I am in my late 30s and have a good relationship with my parents. We speak on the phone weekly. Last Sunday, my mother informed me that they gave my sister a chunk of money to help with a down payment on a house. She told me I wouldn’t receive a matching sum because my husband and I already own a house and his parents gave us a generous gift when we were buying it. My parents aren’t wealthy, so I understand their decision. Still, it stings! I think my parents are making assumptions about my financial position. I also believe their choice to give money to my younger sister is a declaration of greater love for her. Should I bring this up again?
SARAH
You should definitely bring it up if this gift is going to interfere with your relationship with your parents or your sister. (I can’t tell if this is a passing sting or one that may lead to lasting resentment.) Before you do, though, consider a few points to make the conversation more productive.
Our parents’ money is theirs. Whether they are fabulously rich or just squeaking by, they can spend it however they like. And adult children have no entitlement to it. Here, for instance, your parents decided they wanted both daughters to enjoy the economic advantages of homeownership. This meant giving money to one child but not to another (who already owns a home). Broadly speaking, they put you in the same position.
Still, I am sympathetic with your feelings. Sibling rivalry for parental love can be painful. So, while I recommend talking to your parents, it’s not to air a grievance. It’s to let them know that your feelings are hurt by your (likely false!) perception that their gift to your sister signals greater love for her.
Add quickly that you understand their decision and aren’t trying to wheedle a gift out of them. You simply want to be open with them. I hope the ensuing conversation reassures you. (And for parents: If you intend to make unequal gifts, it can be helpful to discuss the issue in advance. Feelings about parental gifts can run strong!)
no subject
I am in my late 30s and have a good relationship with my parents. We speak on the phone weekly. Last Sunday, my mother informed me that they gave my sister a chunk of money to help with a down payment on a house. She told me I wouldn’t receive a matching sum because my husband and I already own a house and his parents gave us a generous gift when we were buying it. My parents aren’t wealthy, so I understand their decision. Still, it stings! I think my parents are making assumptions about my financial position. I also believe their choice to give money to my younger sister is a declaration of greater love for her. Should I bring this up again?
SARAH
You should definitely bring it up if this gift is going to interfere with your relationship with your parents or your sister. (I can’t tell if this is a passing sting or one that may lead to lasting resentment.) Before you do, though, consider a few points to make the conversation more productive.
Our parents’ money is theirs. Whether they are fabulously rich or just squeaking by, they can spend it however they like. And adult children have no entitlement to it. Here, for instance, your parents decided they wanted both daughters to enjoy the economic advantages of homeownership. This meant giving money to one child but not to another (who already owns a home). Broadly speaking, they put you in the same position.
Still, I am sympathetic with your feelings. Sibling rivalry for parental love can be painful. So, while I recommend talking to your parents, it’s not to air a grievance. It’s to let them know that your feelings are hurt by your (likely false!) perception that their gift to your sister signals greater love for her.
Add quickly that you understand their decision and aren’t trying to wheedle a gift out of them. You simply want to be open with them. I hope the ensuing conversation reassures you. (And for parents: If you intend to make unequal gifts, it can be helpful to discuss the issue in advance. Feelings about parental gifts can run strong!)
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/16/style/parents-money-down-payment.html