I'm the youngest, and I know my oldest sister has worked really hard to avoid resenting how much easier my parents were on me, in some ways. She hasn't thrown in it my face since we were both in our twenties and I don't think she blames me, but it's real. As we've gotten older, it's balanced out because I think we're both more aware of the ways we both got dicked by birth order in different ways. (I absorbed a huge weight of expectations for everything the other two didn't do, and prioritized School and Job and Feminist success messages; she rebelled against more strictness and blew off school accordingly. She had the right to use a car; I was the kid who went to private school after the other two got really fucked up by public. Honestly I got the better deal and I know it.)
Frustratingly I don't think there's much advice for LW that's useful, except by being open and honest with both daughters that they realize their rules were applied unevenly and had uneven effect. Lily and Jen need to work this out themselves. Although from my own experience, I'd ask the LW to interrogate the way they talk to their kids. Do they praise Lily's husband for being such a good provider? Do they say things about Jen's career that make it sound like they value it over Lily's? Do they comment about the way their kids did in school, or -- leaving their kids out of it -- make bitchy comments when reading the news about people who carry too much debt? I know my mum acknowledges we got unequal treatment, and she still does all of those things, and it does not help.
Also LW should make sure they aren't being scrupulously even handed now about helping the kids. If Lily needs something, LW needs to make sure they don't think, "we can only give Lily the exact same thing we give the others."
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I'm the youngest, and I know my oldest sister has worked really hard to avoid resenting how much easier my parents were on me, in some ways. She hasn't thrown in it my face since we were both in our twenties and I don't think she blames me, but it's real. As we've gotten older, it's balanced out because I think we're both more aware of the ways we both got dicked by birth order in different ways. (I absorbed a huge weight of expectations for everything the other two didn't do, and prioritized School and Job and Feminist success messages; she rebelled against more strictness and blew off school accordingly. She had the right to use a car; I was the kid who went to private school after the other two got really fucked up by public. Honestly I got the better deal and I know it.)
Frustratingly I don't think there's much advice for LW that's useful, except by being open and honest with both daughters that they realize their rules were applied unevenly and had uneven effect. Lily and Jen need to work this out themselves. Although from my own experience, I'd ask the LW to interrogate the way they talk to their kids. Do they praise Lily's husband for being such a good provider? Do they say things about Jen's career that make it sound like they value it over Lily's? Do they comment about the way their kids did in school, or -- leaving their kids out of it -- make bitchy comments when reading the news about people who carry too much debt? I know my mum acknowledges we got unequal treatment, and she still does all of those things, and it does not help.
Also LW should make sure they aren't being scrupulously even handed now about helping the kids. If Lily needs something, LW needs to make sure they don't think, "we can only give Lily the exact same thing we give the others."