Dear Prudence: Ailing Mother Accuses Black Caregiver of Theft

[minoanmiss]

My family hired home companion care for my mother, who is 82 and has difficulty with household chores. She is also experiencing some cognitive decline: forgetfulness, difficulty keeping track of things and information, poor executive functioning, etc. This week, she accused her caregiver, who is Black, of “taking my bathing suits.” There are no bathing suits, but Mom is insistent. I asked why her caregiver would steal old-lady bathing suits, and Mom said “to sell them on the Internet.” When I pointed out that used bathing suits are akin to used underwear and that no one sells them secondhand, she said, icily: “Cultural differences.” I told her that was a racist thing to say, and she hung up on me. While Mom could eventually be convinced that there were no bathing suits to steal, I can’t guarantee that she will be civil to her caregiver. I am torn between taking a job away from a working person or potentially subjecting them to racist abuse. Do I give the caregiver the option to stay or go? How much do I share with them about my mother’s true feelings and accusation? Or do I tell the home care agency that we are canceling the service, but it has nothing to do with the caregiver?

—Between a Rock and a Bathing Suit

Dear Bathing Suit,

I don’t know if a person experiencing cognitive decline uttering the phrase “cultural differences” is a definite sign of racism, but I’m pretty sure you have some background information on your mother’s worldview that informs your assessment. So let’s go with “Yes, she’s being a bigot.” (Also, second-hand stores do sell swimsuits, but that’s neither here nor there.)

But you don’t really have to do anything. If there’s one thing my research (read: years of casually scrolling social media posts from friends who work in health care) has taught me, it’s that people of color who work in the medical field deal with racism from older white people all the time. Whether they cry about it or laugh it off or mock the perpetrators, it’s tragically part of the job in many cases. So definitely don’t fire this woman because of your discomfort. If she decides to quit, she will quit on her own. It’s not your job to do that for her. And she may need the money more than she needs a pleasant client.

But you’re a good person and you don’t want to just act like this is OK. I get it. So how about a quick chat or a text along these lines: “You may or may not have noticed that my mom is kind of racist. I’m mortified, and I’ve been arguing with her about her comments, but I doubt I can get her to change, given her condition. I know you’ve probably seen it all before, but you don’t deserve to hear these remarks, and if there is anything you want me to know or anything I can do to make your job easier or if you just want to vent about it, please let me know.” And throw in a gift card.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

What is up with the first paragraph of the reply? WTF? either 'cultural differences' is correct, or it's racist, and since in this case it's supposed to explain that the reason a Black aide would steal someone's stuff and sell it is that this is Black culture, I would say it's racist.

That said, "people of color who work in the medical field deal with racism from older white people all the time." is sadly true, and so is the fact that people suffering cognitive decline often spuriously accuse caretakers and support workers of theft in general. The intersection point is really fun, as one can imagine. I do agree with the bulk of the advice -- don't fire someone who needs a job enough to do this difficult job, and don't engage in racism by trying to protect someone from it (the long term solution is to never hire Black aides, which is.... racist) Instead apologize to and thank the aide, and definitely include a gift card.

[ambyr]

I want to say “my grandparents would NEVER,” but this makes me want to send their aide a gift card just in case.

[lemonsharks]

FFFFFFHHH.

If I'd had this happen I'd be apologizing profusely and sitting down with the caregiver to write a severance package clause into her contract, so that she could quit with some cushion against financial hardship. And giving her a raise for working with racist people psychological damage hazard pay, if she'd accept it.

[heavenscalyx]

Ugh ugh. This happened with one of my grandmothers when my mom and uncle tried to get her in-home help. She was so vicious the poor woman called my mother in tears, and my uncle decided that Mom was exaggerating about the problem and sulkily got my grandmother to move in with him and his wife. After my grandmother walked over to the neighbor's house to ask them to call 911 because her son was trying to kill her, she ended up in assisted living, where she promptly fell, broke her hip, and then declined profoundly. That didn't stop her from screaming "rape" every time a black orderly walked into her room, alas.

My other grandmother had more classic Alzheimer's (as well as a sweeter disposition) and *loved* her Caribbean-American in-home caregivers.

[gingicat]

Reaching out to the caregiver along those lines is a good idea.

[conuly]

I wish the columnist had had space to address two off-topic points:

1. You can't use Socratic reasoning to make your dementia patient back down from bizarre accusations or other unreasonable statements, and you shouldn't be badgering them like that in the first place. I don't *know* that LW's mother is suffering from dementia, but it certainly looks likely. And while I don't know what the correct response to this was, I'm sure that this was the wrong one.

2. If LW's mother needs a caregiver, and is suffering any level of cognitive decline, and *especially* if she's making false accusations, then now is the time to put in a nanny cam, because she is at risk of elder abuse, and theft isn't the least of it. Not that I think that this particular caregiver is actually stealing from her, or is any more likely to harm her in any way than any other caregiver, but because you can't guarantee you'll always have the same aide forevermore, and sooner or later you might get somebody who doesn't care who they hurt, and is sure they'll get away with it because who listens to crazy old people?

3. Everybody else's comments addressing the actual topic at hand make good points, and why gild the lily?