agonyaunt | How to Do It: "I Keep Getting Called a “Bad Feminist” Because I Won’t Do One Thing in Bed"

Dear How To Do It,

I’m a bisexual woman in my late 20s. I’ve dated about the same number of women and men. I hate performing oral sex on women (for what it’s worth, I don’t particularly enjoy receiving it either). There’s something about the smell and taste that really, really grosses me out. I don’t think it’s just a one (or two) time thing because I’ve gone down on around 15 women, and it’s gross every time.

I don’t mind performing oral sex on men (I’ve only encountered one gross-smelling dick before), and most guys are thrilled not to have to go down on me, but women react very differently. I’ve been called a “pillow princess,” a fake bisexual, a bad feminist, etc. when I mention I don’t really like oral sex. I now exclusively date bi women, and they’re less judgmental than lesbians, but some are still put off. My ideal night with a woman involves making out, boobs, and fingering/mutual masturbation (I don’t like strap-ons, either!) to finish the night, but most women don’t want anything besides oral.

Is there some way I can learn to at least tolerate performing oral sex? I can do it for about two minutes before getting grossed out and needing to brush my teeth or get a stick of gum.

—How Many Licks

Dear How Many Licks,

Are you familiar with dental dams? They’re a nonporous sheet of material that you can place over internal genitalia (vulvas and anuses) and are usually found in a safer sex context. I think they may be useful for you. If they can prevent the spread of infectious bacteria, they can prevent your taste buds from coming into contact with vaginal secretions, which may solve your issue.

Part of the difficulty and negative reaction you’re encountering may have something to do with your phrasing. “Gross” is hard to hear. I hope you’re choosing different words when you’re speaking to current or prospective sexual partners. Of course, people are still going to have their opinions on the genuineness of your sexual identity—identity policing isn’t going away anytime soon—but you can do your best to help them remain receptive by using phrases like “I prefer to give and receive digital stimulation” or “I’m generally not into giving or receiving oral.”

Try to remember that dating is a process of sorting through mismatch after mismatch until we find the person, or people, who click with us. When someone calls you a pillow princess as a pejorative, questions your bisexuality, or judges you for your open disinterest in oral, that’s a signal that it’s time to move along.

There very well may be a woman out there who you find attractive and who will be thrilled to never engage in oral sex again. Put your energy into locating her. If you’re going the online dating route, this may mean listing your preference in your bio to keep things efficient. If you’re dating in the wild, I’d be upfront as soon as the subject of sex comes up. Good luck.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ohhhh yeah. I've encountered my fair share of "you haven't done it with me, I can do it better, try it" arguments and having to fend those off is kind of a pain. The niceties of how to say "no really, I'm not into doing Thing X or Thing Y for reasons" without offending the other person.

TBH, this is part of why I gave up on dating (not all of it, but part of it). Even if I can find someone who doesn't care that I'm a trans man and disabled, the whole topic of sex is such a fucking minefield for me that it's more spoons than I have anymore. So tired of the "but I can make you come, promise" posturing (and it's not exclusively men who do it, either) and having to coddle someone about how my lack of interest in Thing X doesn't mean I'm not into them, no really.

How to Do It: "I Keep Getting Called a “Bad Feminist” Because I Won’t Do One Thing in Bed"

Re: My take: contains TMI