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Some good advice and some ??? advice from Abby
1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"
I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.
Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FORMER PARENT: As a matter of fact, I can. Tell the questioner, "I have one daughter. We are estranged, and I don't wish to discuss it further." Period. It's the truth.
Link one
*****
2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.
I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).
I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is ANONYMOUS. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn't have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward.
Link two
I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.
Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FORMER PARENT: As a matter of fact, I can. Tell the questioner, "I have one daughter. We are estranged, and I don't wish to discuss it further." Period. It's the truth.
Link one
2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.
I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).
I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is ANONYMOUS. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn't have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward.
Link two
no subject
Definitely the latter.
(And I didn't catch the weird mixed messaging. You're right - if you tell somebody not to tell others, you gotta expect they might not understand who's on the list.)