agonyaunt | Care & Feeding: I Caught My Son Watching Explicit Videos. Then I Sent Him Straight to Therapy.

A few months ago, I caught my 14-year-old son, “Kyle,” watching some pornographic material. I informed my ex about it so Kyle wouldn’t try anything while he’s staying with him, and I signed my son up for therapy.

What has prompted this letter is a message from the therapist. Things are going very badly, and he suggested I talk to my son. I had an awkward conversation with him, and he says that he refuses to talk to the therapist, since he knows “he’s just a spy for you anyway.” I tried to explain doctor–patient confidentiality to him, and he stormed off, saying I must think he’s stupid if I really think he’d “fall for that.”

I wasn’t lying! Doctor–patient confidentiality really is a thing! And I have no idea what to do if he’s going to view any therapist or other support I could get him as some kind of attempt by his mom to spy on him. So now I’ve got this unstable situation where I keep him off the internet, only I know he needs some internet access for things like school and keeping up with his friends, and he’s just getting more and more resentful. How do I break out of this?

—Gone Off Track

Dear Off Track,

You’re right: Things are not going well! Your relationship with Kyle needs a hard reset, starting with giving him a break from therapy for a while. It is not accomplishing anything at this time, and it’s only complicating the problem, which is that you don’t trust Kyle and Kyle doesn’t trust you. Also, I bet it is expensive.

Truthfully, it’s not clear to me why you signed him up for therapy at all. Is Kyle having other emotional problems or struggling in some other way? Or did you put him in therapy because you found him watching porn—a totally unsurprising development, if a distasteful one—and didn’t know what else to do? Therapy should not be a substitute for clear disciplinary boundaries. Nor should it be a punishment, which is, I’m sure, how it feels to Kyle.

Look, if you wish to ban your child from the internet until his 18th birthday, I’m sure history will be on your side, but you’re right that that’s pretty impractical. There are plenty of parental controls you can place on his phone and personal computer that will give you some insight into what he’s doing and limit his ability to view hardcore stuff. Go ahead and install them! If he’s doing schoolwork on a school device, rest assured that most school districts use such draconian content blockers that a kid would be lucky to get even a glimpse of WebMD.

And yet, if Kyle is determined to look at porn, he’s gonna find a way—such is the ingenuity of the desperate, horny 14-year-old. I’d focus not on trying to stop him from ever seeing another nipple, but rather on helping him understand and contextualize what it is he’s seeing. Talking with him about what pornography is, how it’s made, and the often-fantastical version of adult sex it portrays is a much better use of your time, as well as speaking openly about consent, pleasure, and love. (It would be great if his dad would have these conversations with him too!) No doubt those chats will also be awkward as hell, but at the very least they won’t make him feel as if you think he’s a criminal who needs therapy for his perversions.

I know that wasn’t your intention! But that is definitely what he has taken away from this experience. It’s time to step back and do your best to reopen the lines of communication. Later on, when his frontal lobes are slightly more developed, you can explain the concept of doctor–patient confidentiality.

Care & Feeding: I Caught My Son Watching Explicit Videos. Then I Sent Him Straight to Therapy.

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