agonyaunt | (no subject)

How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?

—Where’s the Floor

Dear Floor,

I guess my first piece of advice is to try to separate yourself emotionally from the whole (literal) mess? Don’t turn it into a character flaw, or a sign that your daughter isn’t responsible. It’s pretty normal for a kid her age to not notice or be particularly bothered by clutter.
If it really upsets you to look at it, then don’t constantly monitor its status; check only as needed.

My mom used to have a refrigerator magnet that read “Creative minds are rarely tidy,” and I think about it every time I glance into my artist child’s chaotic room. I would prefer it if she noticed, cared, and cleaned it without being told, but it’s just not a priority for her, and arguing with her about it just annoys us both. I wish I had a magic solution for you, but I just … tell my daughter to pick up her room every couple of weeks, usually when the rest of us are working to clean other rooms. I’m a big fan of the routine, because then it’s not an impromptu order or parental power trip—it’s just that time when we clean whatever is messy. (Those of you who clean your house more than once or twice a month: I’m super happy for you.)

Of course, I know that her room will soon be messy again. But she also knows that she’ll be tasked with picking it up again. It’s the expectation—and a slightly frustrating cycle, I grant you—but not an ongoing fight.

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As an ADHD person who struggles to keep areas clean, here are the rules I would require:

* Dirty laundry should go in the hamper. (This makes it possible to wash the dirty laundry, which she should also get a role in if she doesn't already.) When it comes off, either it goes in a specific staging area (if it's not too dirty to wear) or it goes in the hamper.
* There should be a place for clean laundry; if that place is a heap in a hamper, make sure there are enough hampers to go around.
* Food that is not actively in the process of being eaten, or securely contained in whatever your area needs in order that it won't become a pest magnet, must not be in the room. (This is for sanitary reasons.)
* Dishes must be bussed promptly, and that's her responsibility. No dirty plates or half-consumed drinks. (Also for sanitary reasons.)
* Piles on the floor cannot stay there indefinitely; they must be picked up and put somewhere periodically in order to vacuum. If this means putting half the room at a time on her bed and vacuuming under where it was before putting it back down, then that's what it means.
* There should be a regular schedule for her to clean her room, whether it needs cleaning or not. Weekly is a good idea here, since it's a complete tip after a week. If doing it all at once is A Lot for her, talk about what incremental cleaning would look like. (Schedule Cleaning O'Clock for a time when something fun is NOT usually happening, and if there happens to be something fun in any particular week, have some times where the process could get moved earlier.)

If food or drinks other than water aren't allowed in the bedrooms at all, you also don't have to worry about dishes or half-eaten food or food-related trash.

I'm also a firm believer in setting up my (probably ADHD) kid for success as much as possible, which means I have rules like 'no food in the bedroom' because that way I don't have to get mad when she inevitably forgets to bus her dishes promptly or knocks her chocolate milk over on the rug.

OP has two choices: don't look, or offer more support than you think an eleven-year-old could possibly need to clean her room. My ten-year-old gets entirely overwhelmed when faced with the disaster that's her room, but I can come in and tell her to pick up all of the [category] and she can. Sometimes she'll ask for me to set a timer for five minutes so that she can clean as much as she can get done in that time; basically whatever works for your kid.

I follow this gal on Insta,

nottheworstcleaner, a social worker who volunteers to clean the spaces of people living in hoarder conditions due to mental health issues, and her suggestion is to start in a one-square-foot area and then gradually move around the space a square foot at a time. This method also has the benefit of having immediately visible results, which picking up all of the [object] might not, because while picking up all of the stuffed animals will have a big impact, picking up all of the markers probably won't. (That's also why I start with something big and impactful, like stuffed animals, and gradually work down to smaller things as the floor gets cleaner.)

"More support than you think a [category of person] should need" is such a good idea not just for this. Because "I have decided that you should be able to do this" and "you can do this" are not always the same thing, and it's so very clear to me that theory of mind is super-hard: we are all very bad at figuring out what is hard and what is easy for other people.

I once had somebody lose their shit at me, really, for suggesting that their child needed a checklist and daily review to get their daily chores done. They were the one who asked for advice, but somehow this was offensive to them? Pilots have checklists, ffs!

No food or drinks in the bedroom is a generally good idea but it does depend heavily on the kid and the way food and private space is handled in the household generally - especially as they get to their teen years it might just lead to a secret stash of food kept in the bedroom that you don't know about at all (which may or may not be kept in a sanitary manner.) The rule that more or less worked for me was no *dishes* in the bedroom - a bottle of juice or a cookie or orange was fine, but nothing complicated enough that I'd have to remember to take the dishes out. (It still led to bits of cookie or orange peels occasionally lingering but that is far preferable to dirty plates, and it let me eat what/when I wanted but keep it to relatively tidy options in the bedroom.)

It's a rule I'm willing to revisit as the need arises - right now Bug is a strongly rule-abiding, highly sociable solo kid and we live in a two-bedroom condo where the snacks are basically always available. I'm the kind of parent who's always willing to reconsider rules if you make a good argument against it.

If food or drinks other than water aren't allowed in the bedrooms at all, you also don't have to worry about dishes or half-eaten food or food-related trash.

Would that it were so, but just because something is against the rules doesn’t mean a pre-teen won’t do it, every day and twice on Sundays

Which brings us back to "don't expect what you won't inspect". If you have a rule like this then it's on you to make sure it's being followed.

Admitted my kid is one whose anxiety is triggered by rule breaking and I'm very chill about what and when she eats, but I feel like a kid who's sneaking food into their room is signaling a different kind of problem that needs to be discussed.

The problem might just be “I like to eat in my bedroom but, let’s be clear, I’m not so good at clearing up after”. That’s my problem anyway.

I mean, I'm like 99% sure the problem is "I'm 12 and you can't monitor my every move and I want to so nyah".