(no subject)

[conuly]

How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?

—Where’s the Floor

Dear Floor,

I guess my first piece of advice is to try to separate yourself emotionally from the whole (literal) mess? Don’t turn it into a character flaw, or a sign that your daughter isn’t responsible. It’s pretty normal for a kid her age to not notice or be particularly bothered by clutter.
If it really upsets you to look at it, then don’t constantly monitor its status; check only as needed.

My mom used to have a refrigerator magnet that read “Creative minds are rarely tidy,” and I think about it every time I glance into my artist child’s chaotic room. I would prefer it if she noticed, cared, and cleaned it without being told, but it’s just not a priority for her, and arguing with her about it just annoys us both. I wish I had a magic solution for you, but I just … tell my daughter to pick up her room every couple of weeks, usually when the rest of us are working to clean other rooms. I’m a big fan of the routine, because then it’s not an impromptu order or parental power trip—it’s just that time when we clean whatever is messy. (Those of you who clean your house more than once or twice a month: I’m super happy for you.)

Of course, I know that her room will soon be messy again. But she also knows that she’ll be tasked with picking it up again. It’s the expectation—and a slightly frustrating cycle, I grant you—but not an ongoing fight.

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[conuly]

When the niblings were in middle school and being homeschooled, I hung around on a homeschooling-and-afterschooling forum where they had a phrase they threw around like candy: don't expect what you won't inspect.

Which is to say, if you want the room to be clean you have to get in there every day and take a look around and tell your child that the dirty clothes go in the hamper, the makeup goes on top of the dresser, the clean clothes go in the drawers, and so on, and also, that she needs to take a shower or at least clean under her arms. (The deodorant habit seems to be particularly hard to develop. Sometimes I see people elsewhere freaking out over their too-young-to-stink kids wanting to put on deodorant "like grown-ups", and guys, don't freak out, encourage it. The sooner that habit starts, the more secure it is by middle school!) You don't pretend to yourself that you have some other child than the one you actually have, one that is magically tidy at the age of eleven.

Alternatively, if you're not willing to do this every single day you go with option two - shut the door!

[conuly]

To date, btw, it looks like all the commenters at Slate are on Team Close the Door, excepting one person who is busy handwringing over an eleven year old having skincare products.