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Entry tags:
Inlaws, inlaws, inlaws!
1. Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country. I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
Dear Grad: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation, belittling you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.
When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “Something’s been bothering me, and because it’s still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don’t value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention, and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support, and now that you have this advanced degree, you’ll do your best to support him in the style to which he’s accustomed.
Link
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2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
Dear Hurting: Your son and his wife have used you for years. And now that they have the house, the extras, and probably limited need for a babysitter, they are done with you.
Of course they won’t let you see the kids! They’ve been using these kids as leverage, and they don’t seem to care about the impact of this loss on their own children.
I’m very sorry.
Link
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3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
Dear Lonely: You are not obliged to prove your affection for your son and his wife by cleaning their house. I hope you are at least compensated for this work.
And even though your generosity is evident and your motivations understandable, you should not purchase a gift you can’t afford.
You are tempted to retaliate in some way for this embarrassment, but sarcasm or humiliation is not a mature response.
I hope you can summon up the courage to calmly approach your daughter-in-law about this. Tell her, “This is embarrassing, but I want you to know that on Christmas you regifted to me the bag I gave to you – two years ago. I realize that you and I don’t have a very close relationship, but I do want you to know that this has made me feel sad and somewhat unappreciated. I’ve tried my best to get to know you, but I wish our relationship was on a better footing.”
Link
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4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
Dear Concerned Grammy: There is nothing funny about belittling or teasing someone. You sound very psychologically aware, especially to notice that her behavior comes from a place of insecurity based on her own upbringing. But that does not make it right. When people know better, they do better. So my guess is that she doesn't know how damaging her teasing is. Continue to lead by example, but also, talk to your son about your concerns. And in the meantime, continue to praise and support your grandchildren without the putdowns.
Link
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
DEAR INHERITANCE: People become oddly territorial when it comes to the belongings of the deceased. That's why a will is so important, and I recommend that everyone have one -- even if you think you don't own any possessions of value. When you are gone, everything that you owned can seem valuable to your grieving loved ones.
That said, since you are keenly aware of what happened and feel bad about it, you can be proactive. Reach out to your sister-in-law. Tell her that you would like to reconnect with her. Address the elephant in the room. Say that you know you two fell out over your mother's table. You can express your sorrow that this possession caused a fracture in your relationship with her. Tell her you would like to rekindle your bond. Life is too short and precious for the two of you to still be at odds. See what she says.
Link
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6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TIDY: The best way to address this would be the direct approach. Ask your daughter-in-law if she has noticed that you have been helping to clean her house. If the answer is no, explain that you would be glad to continue helping out and you have a few hours a week to work WITH her, if she’s willing. You are a kind and considerate mother-in-law, and I hope she is appreciative.
Link
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
Dear Grad: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation, belittling you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.
When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “Something’s been bothering me, and because it’s still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don’t value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention, and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support, and now that you have this advanced degree, you’ll do your best to support him in the style to which he’s accustomed.
Link
2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
Dear Hurting: Your son and his wife have used you for years. And now that they have the house, the extras, and probably limited need for a babysitter, they are done with you.
Of course they won’t let you see the kids! They’ve been using these kids as leverage, and they don’t seem to care about the impact of this loss on their own children.
I’m very sorry.
Link
3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
Dear Lonely: You are not obliged to prove your affection for your son and his wife by cleaning their house. I hope you are at least compensated for this work.
And even though your generosity is evident and your motivations understandable, you should not purchase a gift you can’t afford.
You are tempted to retaliate in some way for this embarrassment, but sarcasm or humiliation is not a mature response.
I hope you can summon up the courage to calmly approach your daughter-in-law about this. Tell her, “This is embarrassing, but I want you to know that on Christmas you regifted to me the bag I gave to you – two years ago. I realize that you and I don’t have a very close relationship, but I do want you to know that this has made me feel sad and somewhat unappreciated. I’ve tried my best to get to know you, but I wish our relationship was on a better footing.”
Link
4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
Dear Concerned Grammy: There is nothing funny about belittling or teasing someone. You sound very psychologically aware, especially to notice that her behavior comes from a place of insecurity based on her own upbringing. But that does not make it right. When people know better, they do better. So my guess is that she doesn't know how damaging her teasing is. Continue to lead by example, but also, talk to your son about your concerns. And in the meantime, continue to praise and support your grandchildren without the putdowns.
Link
5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
DEAR INHERITANCE: People become oddly territorial when it comes to the belongings of the deceased. That's why a will is so important, and I recommend that everyone have one -- even if you think you don't own any possessions of value. When you are gone, everything that you owned can seem valuable to your grieving loved ones.
That said, since you are keenly aware of what happened and feel bad about it, you can be proactive. Reach out to your sister-in-law. Tell her that you would like to reconnect with her. Address the elephant in the room. Say that you know you two fell out over your mother's table. You can express your sorrow that this possession caused a fracture in your relationship with her. Tell her you would like to rekindle your bond. Life is too short and precious for the two of you to still be at odds. See what she says.
Link
6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TIDY: The best way to address this would be the direct approach. Ask your daughter-in-law if she has noticed that you have been helping to clean her house. If the answer is no, explain that you would be glad to continue helping out and you have a few hours a week to work WITH her, if she’s willing. You are a kind and considerate mother-in-law, and I hope she is appreciative.
Link
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