#4 strikes me as an actual conundrum. I don't feel like I have enough information about how the children feel, and without it I have a hard time assessing how serious a problem it is, but it *could* be that the teasing is harmful to the children. In the absence of more information, I guess I'd say talk to your son and ask how he feels about it.

For the rest of them, I'd throw out some general rules of life:

- Yes, your mother-in-law is being an asshole, but if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reaction. Take her behavior as information about her character, and make future decisions about her accordingly.

- Don't give any gift or service that (1) you can't afford, or (2) you haven't been asked for, or (3) you're going to resent. Definitely don't do this if no one is even asking you to do it.

- Your children and their spouses get to make decisions about their own families and homes. Assuming that no one is being harmed, judge them quietly in your own mind, if you want to, but don't try to make them change. (When I say "no one is being harmed," don't counter with "but it has to be bad for children to live in a dirty house.")

- All your relationships will be easier if you can stop worrying about "disrespect."