1 - Wife doesn't have an in law problem, she has a husband problem. This should have been nipped in the bud by the husband the moment it started. When husbands get graduate degrees, no one goes all out to give their wife congratulations and thanks for performing household/child care tasks (because it's often *expected* wives will do this). Household and child care tasks are gender neutral. They're part of being an adult and having kids (should a couple choose to have them). No one should be getting over the top praise for taking actions required of being a responsible adult.
3 - First mistake was purchasing a gift you couldn't afford. Second mistake - so much emotion attached to the gift. Recognize there are annual gift giving holidays where you are socially obligated to give people gifts, in turn, the gift receivers are socially obligated to like them (or pretend to like them if they don't), and some people are incredibly difficult to shop for. LW swung and missed with her gift, DIL swung and missed with the regift, it happens. Maybe have an honest discussion about what can be given of actual value in the future (gift cards instead? experience gifts like movies, museum, dinner, mani/pedis, spa, etc?).
4 - Different strokes for different folks. Some parents do have such a relationship with their kids where they joke about the emotionally heavy stuff and it's fine. It sounds like that may be the case with your DIL and grands, while your husband is handling the more heavy emotional lifting. I would also recommend examining the mindset of "my DIL looks to me as a role model" - generally people accept advice/suggestions from role models. This sounds more like things from previous generations of "set a good example for your younger siblings/younger kids," as if everyone is even paying that close of attention/putting that much weight into something one person is doing.
6 - When you say the house is "dirty" - what kind of dirty? Are the kids not able to move around/use the space? Are there moldy dishes and food left out? Or is it just cluttered? If the space is functional and sanitary - leave her alone. People have different preferences for their living spaces. It's fine. If there is a sanitization concern, talk to your son about helping out around the house and helping with childcare. There are two adults who likely live there who should be able to manage the space just fine.
no subject
3 - First mistake was purchasing a gift you couldn't afford. Second mistake - so much emotion attached to the gift. Recognize there are annual gift giving holidays where you are socially obligated to give people gifts, in turn, the gift receivers are socially obligated to like them (or pretend to like them if they don't), and some people are incredibly difficult to shop for. LW swung and missed with her gift, DIL swung and missed with the regift, it happens. Maybe have an honest discussion about what can be given of actual value in the future (gift cards instead? experience gifts like movies, museum, dinner, mani/pedis, spa, etc?).
4 - Different strokes for different folks. Some parents do have such a relationship with their kids where they joke about the emotionally heavy stuff and it's fine. It sounds like that may be the case with your DIL and grands, while your husband is handling the more heavy emotional lifting. I would also recommend examining the mindset of "my DIL looks to me as a role model" - generally people accept advice/suggestions from role models. This sounds more like things from previous generations of "set a good example for your younger siblings/younger kids," as if everyone is even paying that close of attention/putting that much weight into something one person is doing.
6 - When you say the house is "dirty" - what kind of dirty? Are the kids not able to move around/use the space? Are there moldy dishes and food left out? Or is it just cluttered? If the space is functional and sanitary - leave her alone. People have different preferences for their living spaces. It's fine. If there is a sanitization concern, talk to your son about helping out around the house and helping with childcare. There are two adults who likely live there who should be able to manage the space just fine.