How to Do it: Husband Pushed Me Into A Sex Contract I Want Out Of

[minoanmiss]

I’m growing more resentful every day.


Several months ago, during a rough patch in my relationship, I finally got the nerve to tell my partner that I have always hated performing oral sex and that it hurts my jaw to do so. That made things even worse—threats of separation came flying. I was told that they will not go forever without it, and that I needed to figure it out. Under threat of separation, I said I’d do it once a month. Despite my partner knowing how I feel, they predictably beg for it at the beginning of every month. I’m having a hard time not getting angry and resentful that they have no problem making me feel like I have to do something I hate. If I say no, I get the silent treatment with the occasional begging for it until I give in. Afterward, I’m pissed at them for making me feel like I have no choice and myself for doing something I know I don’t want to do. Every time they beg, I try offering sex instead, which they turn down. What do I do here?

— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Imagine a future in which this pressure, conflict, coercion, and resentment is just the way things are. Without any effort to change things on either side, that’s what you’re looking at. Is this worth putting up with? Sounds shitty to me! Partly as a tactic and partly out of curiosity, I would ignore them the next time your partner throws their grown-up temper tantrum. Try not giving in and see where that gets you. Just don’t do that thing you hate. In theory, I understand where your partner is coming from—oral sex is great, and I too would have a hard time imagining life without it. But your firm no overrides their entitlement.

Is opening the relationship so that they can get the oral sex they crave an option? If not, you may be looking at even harder choices. Many people feel self-conscious about ending a relationship over sex; we regularly hear from letter writers who think it would seem superficial or silly to do so. Your letter illustrates how what might appear initially as an issue concerning sex actually has many ramifications. The primary one, as I see it, is you and your body are not being respected. If a partner is comfortable treating you that way over sex, I’d bet that they’re comfortable treating you that way in other contexts. That’s not the kind of situation I’d want to be in. If nothing changes, will you?

Comments

[azurelunatic]

What's the worst thing that happens if they decide to separate? Game this out with yourself, a trusted friend, and a lawyer. What would your ideal life without them look like?

In my world, "sex contracts" are for pretendy-funtime games where if you break a rule you get a fun and mutually agreeable "punishment". Not for one partner coercing the other into doing something that is fun for exactly one person.