Oh dear: 'I am happy for her to explore her bisexuality. My only rule is that I have to be there'

[oursin]

Okay, here is an instance in which Pamela Stephenson Connolly, who can be very variable, speaks sense:

My wonderful new wife is everything I have always looked for in a woman. The issue is that she is openly and proudly bisexual. When we first became involved, she even joked that she didn’t want me getting mad when it was time for her to visit her friend on girls’ trips. A threesome with a bisexual woman has always been my fantasy. She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us. But when I set up a meeting, she didn’t seem to want to follow through with it, so I stopped looking. Recently, on holiday, she made a sexual comment about a girl in a bikini, so I again brought up the idea of a threesome. But she said she might have grown out of that phase of her life and just wants to be with me. She also said that adding another person would ruin the marriage, and I worry that things might change between us if we get together with another girl. I am at a loss as to what to do. If she is truly bisexual, I am worried that if those desires are not met, she may pursue them without me. My only rule is that if she is with a girl, I am also present. Most guys would love my situation – am I making this harder than it is?

Listen to your wife. It is true that bringing another person into a relationship can be risky, and needs to be carefully negotiated and managed. And you don’t have to protect her bisexual interests – if she really wants to have sex with another woman, she will make that decision herself. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean one is interested in threesomes. You seem to have assumed it does, but it could be that the last thing your wife wants is to include you during sex with another woman. She implied this early on by saying she did not want you to get upset when she went off on a girls’ trip. It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality. All this is worth a frank conversation. Make sure you avoid blame or judgment, listen carefully, and help her to feel safe to educate you about her true sexual identity.

Comments

[oursin]

Him micromanaging her sex-life to conform with his fantasy would be somewhat of a turn-off, no?

[purlewe]

so much this.

[mommy]

Absolutely.

[purlewe]

Dear LW, guess what? you can both bi and monogamous. Sorry it breaks your little 3some dream bubble of having 2 girls fawn all over you. (ps they might not have fawned all over you.) But believe your wife (Believe women in general but definitely believe your wife!!) when she says she isn't interested in bringing another person into the bedroom with you.

[cereta]

It never fails to puzzle me that people who can easily accept that someone can find multiple members of a different sex attractive without having some overwhelming need to have sex with more than one of them suddenly stumble when attraction to people of more than one sex is added in. Like, I can find Matt Bomer painfully beautiful without compromising my monogamous m/f relationship. Why is that suddenly so hard to believe when the person I find beautiful/attractive/hot like burning is Kate Winslet?

[purlewe]

Like there are definitely people out there who are pan or bi and they are also into being openly non-monogamous. And then there are people who are pan or bi and are completely into being in committed relationships (mostly likely serial relationships, at least it is that way with me). Heck even a triad can be a committed relationship. But dude got his fantasy ideas and held onto them FAR TOO LONG and just accepted that she would give them to him one day. I hope she is ok.

[purlewe]

Oh and yeah.. I should have said that your description is EXACTLY how I explained to others that I was into monogamous relationships. Like I can enjoy looking at another person, but the person i am going home with is the person i am in the relationship with. There were a lot of bi-shy people when I was out in the 90s who really were all about "you'll leave me for the other gender at the drop of a hat"

[castiron]

So much this. I like men built like bears and men built like ferrets. Doesn't mean I have to have simultaneous relationships with men of both body types to be happy. (And certainly doesn't mean that I'd need or want to have threesomes with Bear and Ferret.)

[minoanmiss]

I was goint to comment but I got hung up on envisioning Kate Winslet and Matt Bomer...

[cereta]

Oh, curse you for putting that image in my head. Or bless you. One of these.

[azurelunatic]

I am now fondly reminiscing about what happened when a previous boyfriend became very excited about the fact that I am bisexual, in the context of a curious dorm floormate (mostly heterosexual, had zero interest in my boyfriend-adjacent-person).

One thing led to another and he was allowed to remain in the room but not touch her. The phrase "wanking sadly in the corner" is how I will remember him during this forever after.

[vindoletta]

(…) help her to feel safe to educate you

Yes!

about her true sexual identity.

What.

[oursin]

'Bisexual doesn't mean up for performing your dream scenario'? He does seem to have the pernicious stereotype thing going on there.

[vindoletta]

I read this as the columnist doubting the wife was really bi because she chose to stay with her husband and not include a female lover in the relationship.

[oursin]

I read this as she's either bi and not acting on same-sex attraction, which is not uncommon. (As also the reverse.)
OR
Even if she is, she is not interested in him being involved in that aspect, i.e. she's monogamous as far as sexual activity goes. Anymore than she might want him involved in any other activity of hers! (I saw some question to an advice column where the bloke insisted on going everywhere with his partner including on girls' nights out, which was clingy and creepy.)

[vindoletta]

I think we're talking past each other. I did get the same impression from the husband's letter, and I agree with your assessment. However, what I'm talking about is the way the columnist worded that last sentence. (Maybe that's just me being nitpicky and seeing offense where there's none, though.)

[laurajv]

no, I don't think you're being nitpicky. the last few sentences set off my biphobia antennae.

[lethe1]

Yes, "It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality", sounds as if the columnist thinks wife was only bi-curious. Unless it refers back to the LW's "She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us", and only means columnist thinks wife is no longer interested in the idea of a threesome with her husband.

[laurajv]

yeah, it's possible, but something about it rings a little off for me.

(I'll be honest, the fact that the LW even knows what a unicorn in skeeves me out, and might be coloring my response to the columnist. I've been an out bisexual since the 1990s and I'm pretty sure my spouse doesn't know what a unicorn is, why a unicorn is called that, etc. Because he's not a creep about my sexuality.)

[likeaduck]

That was the phrase that icked me too.

[oursin]

I have been wondering if she thought at first he was just joking: 'hah hah let's find a hot girl for 3some', and she thought she was just going along with the joke, and then realised, 'ugh, he actually means it and thinks that's what my being bi is about'.

[castiron]

I agree that the columnist could've worded that better, though in conjunction with the "bisexual ≠ wants threesomes" statement earlier, I read it as "about her true sexual identity, which may involve women but does not involve threesomes".

[oursin]

I read it - rightly or wrongly - as 'educating you that her sexual identity is hers and Not All About You' and that bi =/= performing his fantasies involving 2 women. It's badly expressed, certainly - 'clarifying what being bisexual means to her' might be a better way of putting it.

That very short answer format does not do any favours or allow of much nuance.

[xenacryst]

Dude, and I say this as kindly and lovingly as I can and I'm wearing my boymode face to do so: you are everything that's wrong in this society's treatment of non-heterosexual women. I mean that you can't get past your own misogynist heterosexist views that everything involving the sexual identities of women must revolve around your own desires. You see two women together and automatically insert yourself between them. You see women sitting at the bar having a grand time together on a girls' night and think it would be even grander if you could take them all to bed. Listen up, friend, those boobs are not for you. I'm not going to pretend to know everything that's going on in your wife's mind, but one thing that definitely is, is that she's seeing this side of you and she doesn't want to feed it. She sees you looking at women as sexual objects, first and foremost, and the more the merrier - and guess what, that's a turnoff for her. If adding another woman to your bed turns you into someone who's just looking for body parts to have a good time with, that's not fun for her (and, to be honest, what does that say about the times when she's the only woman in your bed, hmm?). So when she says she's moved out of that phase of life and just wants to be with you, it may be that she believes that acting on that bisexual desire in your presence will bring out parts of you that she really wishes she didn't have to see. Think about that, and think about what you can do to change that. But don't make a threesome the end goal of all your thoughts.

[cereta]

::Applause::

I remain unconvinced that cishet men were a particularly good idea.

[xenacryst]

There do seem to be a lot of bugs in the standard model. Alpha quality, at best, you might say. And I do wish we could get beyond the practice of treating the general public as the QA department.

[cereta]

I'm certainly ready to opt out of beta testing.