Oh dear: 'I am happy for her to explore her bisexuality. My only rule is that I have to be there'

[oursin]

Okay, here is an instance in which Pamela Stephenson Connolly, who can be very variable, speaks sense:

My wonderful new wife is everything I have always looked for in a woman. The issue is that she is openly and proudly bisexual. When we first became involved, she even joked that she didn’t want me getting mad when it was time for her to visit her friend on girls’ trips. A threesome with a bisexual woman has always been my fantasy. She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us. But when I set up a meeting, she didn’t seem to want to follow through with it, so I stopped looking. Recently, on holiday, she made a sexual comment about a girl in a bikini, so I again brought up the idea of a threesome. But she said she might have grown out of that phase of her life and just wants to be with me. She also said that adding another person would ruin the marriage, and I worry that things might change between us if we get together with another girl. I am at a loss as to what to do. If she is truly bisexual, I am worried that if those desires are not met, she may pursue them without me. My only rule is that if she is with a girl, I am also present. Most guys would love my situation – am I making this harder than it is?

Listen to your wife. It is true that bringing another person into a relationship can be risky, and needs to be carefully negotiated and managed. And you don’t have to protect her bisexual interests – if she really wants to have sex with another woman, she will make that decision herself. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean one is interested in threesomes. You seem to have assumed it does, but it could be that the last thing your wife wants is to include you during sex with another woman. She implied this early on by saying she did not want you to get upset when she went off on a girls’ trip. It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality. All this is worth a frank conversation. Make sure you avoid blame or judgment, listen carefully, and help her to feel safe to educate you about her true sexual identity.

Comments

[laurajv]

no, I don't think you're being nitpicky. the last few sentences set off my biphobia antennae.

[lethe1]

Yes, "It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality", sounds as if the columnist thinks wife was only bi-curious. Unless it refers back to the LW's "She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us", and only means columnist thinks wife is no longer interested in the idea of a threesome with her husband.

[laurajv]

yeah, it's possible, but something about it rings a little off for me.

(I'll be honest, the fact that the LW even knows what a unicorn in skeeves me out, and might be coloring my response to the columnist. I've been an out bisexual since the 1990s and I'm pretty sure my spouse doesn't know what a unicorn is, why a unicorn is called that, etc. Because he's not a creep about my sexuality.)

[likeaduck]

That was the phrase that icked me too.

[oursin]

I have been wondering if she thought at first he was just joking: 'hah hah let's find a hot girl for 3some', and she thought she was just going along with the joke, and then realised, 'ugh, he actually means it and thinks that's what my being bi is about'.