Oh dear: 'I am happy for her to explore her bisexuality. My only rule is that I have to be there'

[oursin]

Okay, here is an instance in which Pamela Stephenson Connolly, who can be very variable, speaks sense:

My wonderful new wife is everything I have always looked for in a woman. The issue is that she is openly and proudly bisexual. When we first became involved, she even joked that she didn’t want me getting mad when it was time for her to visit her friend on girls’ trips. A threesome with a bisexual woman has always been my fantasy. She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us. But when I set up a meeting, she didn’t seem to want to follow through with it, so I stopped looking. Recently, on holiday, she made a sexual comment about a girl in a bikini, so I again brought up the idea of a threesome. But she said she might have grown out of that phase of her life and just wants to be with me. She also said that adding another person would ruin the marriage, and I worry that things might change between us if we get together with another girl. I am at a loss as to what to do. If she is truly bisexual, I am worried that if those desires are not met, she may pursue them without me. My only rule is that if she is with a girl, I am also present. Most guys would love my situation – am I making this harder than it is?

Listen to your wife. It is true that bringing another person into a relationship can be risky, and needs to be carefully negotiated and managed. And you don’t have to protect her bisexual interests – if she really wants to have sex with another woman, she will make that decision herself. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean one is interested in threesomes. You seem to have assumed it does, but it could be that the last thing your wife wants is to include you during sex with another woman. She implied this early on by saying she did not want you to get upset when she went off on a girls’ trip. It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality. All this is worth a frank conversation. Make sure you avoid blame or judgment, listen carefully, and help her to feel safe to educate you about her true sexual identity.

Comments

[xenacryst]

Dude, and I say this as kindly and lovingly as I can and I'm wearing my boymode face to do so: you are everything that's wrong in this society's treatment of non-heterosexual women. I mean that you can't get past your own misogynist heterosexist views that everything involving the sexual identities of women must revolve around your own desires. You see two women together and automatically insert yourself between them. You see women sitting at the bar having a grand time together on a girls' night and think it would be even grander if you could take them all to bed. Listen up, friend, those boobs are not for you. I'm not going to pretend to know everything that's going on in your wife's mind, but one thing that definitely is, is that she's seeing this side of you and she doesn't want to feed it. She sees you looking at women as sexual objects, first and foremost, and the more the merrier - and guess what, that's a turnoff for her. If adding another woman to your bed turns you into someone who's just looking for body parts to have a good time with, that's not fun for her (and, to be honest, what does that say about the times when she's the only woman in your bed, hmm?). So when she says she's moved out of that phase of life and just wants to be with you, it may be that she believes that acting on that bisexual desire in your presence will bring out parts of you that she really wishes she didn't have to see. Think about that, and think about what you can do to change that. But don't make a threesome the end goal of all your thoughts.

[cereta]

::Applause::

I remain unconvinced that cishet men were a particularly good idea.

[xenacryst]

There do seem to be a lot of bugs in the standard model. Alpha quality, at best, you might say. And I do wish we could get beyond the practice of treating the general public as the QA department.

[cereta]

I'm certainly ready to opt out of beta testing.