movingfinger (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
movingfinger) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2021-11-30 08:16 am
movingfinger) wrote in agonyaunt2021-11-30 08:16 am
Dear Amy: I Need to Discipline my 34-Year-Old Daughter
Dear Amy: My daughter said she got the wedding of her dreams.
Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.
It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.
However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.
Even after I asked her to speak to the guests, she entirely ignored my brother, my sister and their families.
He let me know the next day how hurt they were.
Her mother and I were crushed and had no idea she had neglected them in this way.
Of course, I will strongly recommend making amends to these relatives.
I feel as if I have failed as a parent and have failed my daughter by not being aware of this fault at that time.
I thought we had raised her better. She's 34 now.
What would you suggest I add to our conversation?
— Deflated Post-Wedding
Deflated: Rather than add to your conversation with your daughter, I suggest you take away something: your own sense of embarrassment, shame and any responsibility you might be tempted to assume for her rudeness.
You prompted her at her reception to do the right thing. She ignored your prompt.
Yes, she is an adult. This behavior — whether it was an oversight or deliberate — is her responsibility.
Not only is greeting one’s wedding guests basic wedding etiquette, but it is also simply a “nice” thing to do, and for many people, it would be instinctual.
You and your wife should tell her: “Your aunt and uncle let us know that they were so disappointed that you didn’t take the time to greet them at the wedding. This would have taken you two minutes, and it would have made them feel appreciated. We hope you will choose to make things right by apologizing to them.”
Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.
It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.
However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.
Even after I asked her to speak to the guests, she entirely ignored my brother, my sister and their families.
He let me know the next day how hurt they were.
Her mother and I were crushed and had no idea she had neglected them in this way.
Of course, I will strongly recommend making amends to these relatives.
I feel as if I have failed as a parent and have failed my daughter by not being aware of this fault at that time.
I thought we had raised her better. She's 34 now.
What would you suggest I add to our conversation?
— Deflated Post-Wedding
Deflated: Rather than add to your conversation with your daughter, I suggest you take away something: your own sense of embarrassment, shame and any responsibility you might be tempted to assume for her rudeness.
You prompted her at her reception to do the right thing. She ignored your prompt.
Yes, she is an adult. This behavior — whether it was an oversight or deliberate — is her responsibility.
Not only is greeting one’s wedding guests basic wedding etiquette, but it is also simply a “nice” thing to do, and for many people, it would be instinctual.
You and your wife should tell her: “Your aunt and uncle let us know that they were so disappointed that you didn’t take the time to greet them at the wedding. This would have taken you two minutes, and it would have made them feel appreciated. We hope you will choose to make things right by apologizing to them.”
no subject
b. I was also accosted every time I turned my back by guests who stalked me just for this ritual interaction, so, obligation handled, they could then dance and get drunk. Also.
c. Snubbing, ignoring, forgetting, missing, and breezing through are quite different gradations, and there's no context to figure out if she was avoiding the uncle, if it was purposeful, if he made any attempt to go to her, or if he just got silently pissed bc 'kids these days have no respect'.
d. I can only assume the relationship between this niece and uncle isn't very warm to begin with, because he certainly sounds like a real peach of a guy if he can't manage to exchange small talk with a bride at a reception and then makes it her fault.
no subject
If she had a good relationship with her father's side of the family, this wouldn't have happened, but the father's family's culture of hierarchical, structured submission doesn't care about how good her relationships are with family members, only that she is deferential and "respectful" to certain ones because of their greater seniority and importance.
no subject
[eta: spelling]