Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband Is Refusing Tuition Help

[minoanmiss]

My older sister and her husband are much, much more well-off than my family. They can afford to travel several times each year, own multiple homes and expensive cars, and were able to pay in full for my nieces’ college and graduate school at private colleges. But despite a rather large age gap and drastically different lifestyles, we are very close, and they are some of the kindest, most genuine people you’ll ever meet. My son is 16 years old, and is a rising junior, and while my husband and I work hard and try to save as much as we can, we know he’ll probably have to take out loans for college, as he doesn’t qualify for financial aid. I have vented to my sister before about how I wish I could pay for his college and how upset it makes me that my son will either continue working throughout high school and college (even though his workload will increase even more next year, and he’s already balancing AP and honors classes and extracurriculars) and also spend extra time applying to scholarships or he’ll be in debt for years.

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My sister and brother-in-law called my husband and I and told us that as their gift to our son for his upcoming birthday, they wanted to cover the rest of the tuition at whatever college our son got into, but only if we felt comfortable with it. I was shocked at their generous offer, but I was going to accept … until my husband told them that we’d think about it and hung up on them shortly after. He went on a rant about how he can provide for our son and we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for college and “he doesn’t take handouts.” I think he’s being ridiculous, and both he and I know that the only thing we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for is if our son went to community college and then transferred to a state school, while his counselor has told him that he has a good shot at getting into his dream college (a prestigious STEM school we could only pay for with my sister’s help). I don’t understand why he’s being so stubborn on this issue—he’s always gotten along with my sister and her husband before! How do I get him to look past his desire to do everything himself and “not take handouts” and instead see what an amazing opportunity this is for our son?

— Tuition Troubles

Patriarchy is really a curse, isn’t it? There are women and nonbinary folks who are too prideful to accept amazing and timely blessings, sure. But it seems to be the case more often than not that it’s a cisgender heterosexual man who’d be trapped by his own conditioning in a situation like this. You need to have a number of long, honest conversations with your husband. Establish why he feels so strongly about this: Is he typically insecure about his finances? Is this triggering something that you knew existed, or a new concern?

Once you’re clear on why this offer bothers him, you can better strategize about how to change his mind. Try to avoid pointing out the absurdity of what he is proposing and instead focus on how much easier this will make your son’s life. Is that not what we want for our children? Be very clear on what your son’s day-to-day may look like with that gift, versus if he has to work frequently and switch to the school of his dreams years later, likely while taking on considerable student debt. Reason with him, politely and patiently.

If that fails, honestly, I think you should put your foot down and accept the gift. Your son has the opportunity of a lifetime; why should he struggle so that his grown father can feel adequate? Do your absolute best to convince your husband, but don’t turn down a present that can change all three of your lives for the better unless you absolutely have to, and if that’s the case, then there’s another conversation to be had about your man.
Wishing you all the best.

Comments

Re: two thoughts

[cimorene]

I don't think observing correlations is INHERENTLY sexist; it's the context which usually provides the implied moral/ethical/whatever judgment. In this case, I think there's probably a connection to toxic masculinity, which actually is sexism, while pointing it out is not.

But the husband isn't just PRIDEFUL, he's talking about refusing on behalf of his son. This isn't like not letting someone buy your kid a sportscar, or an ipod, or whatever, because the kid definitely IS going to college and definitely DOES have to pay himself if he wants to go to *prestigious-school and therefore has to choose now as a teenager if he's willing to gamble decades of debt for the reputedly better education and likely better opportunities it leads to! Imagine being this kid and finding out LATER that your dad turned it down FOR you and that's why you're a hundred thousand in debt, or that's why you couldn't go to your #1 choice school?! If he's applying to college, the kid is likely no longer even a minor! Fully legally responsible for financial debts but unable to accept financial gifts because Daddy's masculinity was threatened! Just... YIKES.

Re: two thoughts

[eva_rosen]

My biological grandfather wouldn't let my grandmother work or accept help even if their six children were starving, because no one but him should provide for his family. Her second husband (whom I consider my real grandfather) was also willing to starve himself if he couldn't make enough money, but would accept any kind of help or even ask it himself if it was for his wife or the children. When he couln't get work (he was a handyman) my grandmother would clean houses or do laundry for the neighbours, but he wouldn't let her buy anything for him with her money. But this was more than sixty years ago, one would think men would have progressed a bit?