Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband Is Refusing Tuition Help

[minoanmiss]

My older sister and her husband are much, much more well-off than my family. They can afford to travel several times each year, own multiple homes and expensive cars, and were able to pay in full for my nieces’ college and graduate school at private colleges. But despite a rather large age gap and drastically different lifestyles, we are very close, and they are some of the kindest, most genuine people you’ll ever meet. My son is 16 years old, and is a rising junior, and while my husband and I work hard and try to save as much as we can, we know he’ll probably have to take out loans for college, as he doesn’t qualify for financial aid. I have vented to my sister before about how I wish I could pay for his college and how upset it makes me that my son will either continue working throughout high school and college (even though his workload will increase even more next year, and he’s already balancing AP and honors classes and extracurriculars) and also spend extra time applying to scholarships or he’ll be in debt for years.

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My sister and brother-in-law called my husband and I and told us that as their gift to our son for his upcoming birthday, they wanted to cover the rest of the tuition at whatever college our son got into, but only if we felt comfortable with it. I was shocked at their generous offer, but I was going to accept … until my husband told them that we’d think about it and hung up on them shortly after. He went on a rant about how he can provide for our son and we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for college and “he doesn’t take handouts.” I think he’s being ridiculous, and both he and I know that the only thing we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for is if our son went to community college and then transferred to a state school, while his counselor has told him that he has a good shot at getting into his dream college (a prestigious STEM school we could only pay for with my sister’s help). I don’t understand why he’s being so stubborn on this issue—he’s always gotten along with my sister and her husband before! How do I get him to look past his desire to do everything himself and “not take handouts” and instead see what an amazing opportunity this is for our son?

— Tuition Troubles

Patriarchy is really a curse, isn’t it? There are women and nonbinary folks who are too prideful to accept amazing and timely blessings, sure. But it seems to be the case more often than not that it’s a cisgender heterosexual man who’d be trapped by his own conditioning in a situation like this. You need to have a number of long, honest conversations with your husband. Establish why he feels so strongly about this: Is he typically insecure about his finances? Is this triggering something that you knew existed, or a new concern?

Once you’re clear on why this offer bothers him, you can better strategize about how to change his mind. Try to avoid pointing out the absurdity of what he is proposing and instead focus on how much easier this will make your son’s life. Is that not what we want for our children? Be very clear on what your son’s day-to-day may look like with that gift, versus if he has to work frequently and switch to the school of his dreams years later, likely while taking on considerable student debt. Reason with him, politely and patiently.

If that fails, honestly, I think you should put your foot down and accept the gift. Your son has the opportunity of a lifetime; why should he struggle so that his grown father can feel adequate? Do your absolute best to convince your husband, but don’t turn down a present that can change all three of your lives for the better unless you absolutely have to, and if that’s the case, then there’s another conversation to be had about your man.
Wishing you all the best.

Comments

two thoughts

[minoanmiss]

1) I've been in a lot of discussions recently where Person A recognizes something as Part of A Societal Pattern and Person B claims that Person A is making it all up/overreacting to the particular example/etc. I can just imagine a Person B here reacting to the pattern called out by " But it seems to be the case more often than not that it’s a cisgender heterosexual man who’d be trapped by his own conditioning in a situation like this. " as being sexism. But I question myself -- would they have a point?

2) I cannot put myself in the husband's head (an exercise I do a lot since writing is one of my hobbies). The only reason I could fathom would be that Sister cited, say, conversion therapy as a requirement for this tuition offer and Husband is opposing that. (For instance I would never let my parents pay for tuition for one of my little roommates because they would use it to launch an Evangelical Christian invasion of our lives that would cost infinitely more) But assuming LW isn't leaving something like that out -- wow, I cannot fathom that kind of obstinate pride.

[sathari]

1. LW's sister and her husband are wonderful, wonderful human beings and I love them to pieces and I needed to read about good people like them today.

2. LW's husband is a WHOLE DONKEY. It would be one thing to refuse tuition assistance for himself (in fact, that's where I thought this letter was going from the title: that LW's husband was back in school himself and refusing to accept help from whatever source). But, seriously, when "student loan debt" is one of the big, big, systemic, sociopolitical and econmic issues for an entire generation of young people and this guy has members of his son's family who are willing to give the kid that kind of a leg up? Oh. My. God. Dude. Get OVER. Yourself. Seriously, LW's husband needs to... "rethink his life and his choices", and this is me being polite.

[melannen]

LW, I would probably try to frame it with your husband as being about the absurdity of college costs in this day and age; you *should* be able to provide for your son's education, you're right, but because the system is so broken, you can't, and everybody knows the system is broken, and that's not on him, and take this chance to level the field, etc. etc. etc. Turn the anger and resentment and frustrated pride against the system instead of the sister. It might work? Probably more likely than trying to fight 4+ generations of breadwinner brainwashing, at least. Anyway we all need more practice turning the anger against the system instead of the most convenient target.

[azurelunatic]

The kid is 16. I wonder if it would be possible for LW to quietly ask her sister to please sock away the amount they were going to give, less the price of a token birthday gift, and present that to the kid at age 18. And in the intervening two years, take a good hard look at the husband issue.

[cereta]

Seriously, anyone who chooses their macho pride over their offspring's education is kind of a douche bag.