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agonyaunt2021-05-05 12:07 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-05-05 12:07 pm
Care and Feeding: My Nonbinary Teen’s Bathroom Choice Makes Me Uncomfortable
Do they have to make this such a big deal?
I have a 14-year-old who came out to us as nonbinary/genderfluid about a year ago. They usually present androgynously, with occasional forays more masculine or feminine. I’ve long been a staunch liberal and ally, and my spouse and I have done all we can to be supportive, accepting, and loving. But I won’t deny that this parenting path has been difficult and confusing for me. My kid came out in the midst of the pandemic, so we don’t leave the house a lot. When we do, my kid uses the restrooms opposite their birth gender. They told their younger brother that they feel like people look at them less suspiciously in that bathroom. This has been really hard for me; it bothers me a lot. I haven’t said anything to my kid about it, as questioning in the past has made them shut down, and the last thing I want is less communication with my teen now that they’re finally engaging with the family again.
Now that the end of the pandemic is in sight, I’m thinking ahead to family trips. My parents are relatively socially conservative—they’ve been inching left since Trump, but they aren’t there in terms of LGBTQ+ acceptance. They know my kid is out and still treat them well, but they use my kid’s old pronouns. I DREAD what will happen when we go somewhere and my kid uses the “wrong” bathroom. I don’t know how to defend my kid because I don’t agree with it! I’ve thought of asking my kid to use their birth gender bathroom when we’re with my parents, but part of me thinks that’s unfair to have them use one they aren’t comfortable with to avoid conflict. On the other hand, if they’re genderfluid, can’t they “flow” that direction for a bit?
—Not the Mama Bear I Thought I’d Be
Dear Not the Mama Bear,
It’s absolutely unfair to ask your 14-year-old to use a different public bathroom—a bathroom they feel less comfortable and safe in (!)—for the sake of either placating you or avoiding conflict with your parents. Please don’t do this! Your child’s identity, their well-being, their right to be not just accepted but affirmed in who they are, is several orders of magnitude more important than whatever discomfort you or your parents feel.
Your concern over having to have a potentially awkward conversation with your parents is not the only stumbling block here. You also seem to be dealing with a lot of your own discomfort, too, mentioning how your child’s coming out has been “difficult” for you, how you’re “bothered” and find it “really hard” to see them use a certain restroom, how you all-caps “DREAD” what will happen when your parents witness it. I’m sure you are having feelings about all of this. Therapy is the ideal place for you to acknowledge and work through those feelings. But you shouldn’t make your issues or struggles—or those of anyone else in the family—your kid’s burden. Nor should you be obsessing over what anyone else will think of the bathrooms they use, or allowing them to be repeatedly misgendered by family members in your presence.
This is your child. Your job is to be on their side. Your parents should be, too, if they love them and want to be in their life. Understanding, education, acceptance, full support from your relatives might not happen overnight. It might not happen at all, in some cases, unfortunately; you cannot control how your child’s grandparents or anyone else reacts.
But you can control what you do and say, and whether and how you choose to see and support your kid. You call yourself an ally. So be their ally, not just when it’s easy or comfortable for you. Otherwise, the communication “shutdown”—perhaps a form of self-preservation on your kid’s part—that you say you don’t want will almost certainly return, and could even give way to a more serious and lasting form of distance.
I have a 14-year-old who came out to us as nonbinary/genderfluid about a year ago. They usually present androgynously, with occasional forays more masculine or feminine. I’ve long been a staunch liberal and ally, and my spouse and I have done all we can to be supportive, accepting, and loving. But I won’t deny that this parenting path has been difficult and confusing for me. My kid came out in the midst of the pandemic, so we don’t leave the house a lot. When we do, my kid uses the restrooms opposite their birth gender. They told their younger brother that they feel like people look at them less suspiciously in that bathroom. This has been really hard for me; it bothers me a lot. I haven’t said anything to my kid about it, as questioning in the past has made them shut down, and the last thing I want is less communication with my teen now that they’re finally engaging with the family again.
Now that the end of the pandemic is in sight, I’m thinking ahead to family trips. My parents are relatively socially conservative—they’ve been inching left since Trump, but they aren’t there in terms of LGBTQ+ acceptance. They know my kid is out and still treat them well, but they use my kid’s old pronouns. I DREAD what will happen when we go somewhere and my kid uses the “wrong” bathroom. I don’t know how to defend my kid because I don’t agree with it! I’ve thought of asking my kid to use their birth gender bathroom when we’re with my parents, but part of me thinks that’s unfair to have them use one they aren’t comfortable with to avoid conflict. On the other hand, if they’re genderfluid, can’t they “flow” that direction for a bit?
—Not the Mama Bear I Thought I’d Be
Dear Not the Mama Bear,
It’s absolutely unfair to ask your 14-year-old to use a different public bathroom—a bathroom they feel less comfortable and safe in (!)—for the sake of either placating you or avoiding conflict with your parents. Please don’t do this! Your child’s identity, their well-being, their right to be not just accepted but affirmed in who they are, is several orders of magnitude more important than whatever discomfort you or your parents feel.
Your concern over having to have a potentially awkward conversation with your parents is not the only stumbling block here. You also seem to be dealing with a lot of your own discomfort, too, mentioning how your child’s coming out has been “difficult” for you, how you’re “bothered” and find it “really hard” to see them use a certain restroom, how you all-caps “DREAD” what will happen when your parents witness it. I’m sure you are having feelings about all of this. Therapy is the ideal place for you to acknowledge and work through those feelings. But you shouldn’t make your issues or struggles—or those of anyone else in the family—your kid’s burden. Nor should you be obsessing over what anyone else will think of the bathrooms they use, or allowing them to be repeatedly misgendered by family members in your presence.
This is your child. Your job is to be on their side. Your parents should be, too, if they love them and want to be in their life. Understanding, education, acceptance, full support from your relatives might not happen overnight. It might not happen at all, in some cases, unfortunately; you cannot control how your child’s grandparents or anyone else reacts.
But you can control what you do and say, and whether and how you choose to see and support your kid. You call yourself an ally. So be their ally, not just when it’s easy or comfortable for you. Otherwise, the communication “shutdown”—perhaps a form of self-preservation on your kid’s part—that you say you don’t want will almost certainly return, and could even give way to a more serious and lasting form of distance.
no subject
My personal bias made my gut reaction just a fountain of rage at the parents for this because I assumed they care (hence "old" pronouns) and the parent is planning to continue to force the kid into socializing with their bigoted parents, exposing the kid to their harrassment/bullying with no plans to protect or support the kid. Sounds familiar! And I'm really angry that when I was a teen my parents didn't make it SUPER clear to my bigoted grandparents that their homophobic views were unwelcome around me BEFORE I heard them, let alone that they failed to stand up for me when it happened in front of them!
...But I realize on reading your comment that you're perfectly right, and we don't know the kid's feelings. Maybe the kid doesn't care about pronouns or maybe it's a comparatively minor issue to them and they'd rather avoid conflict about it. Maybe being misgendered is something they've explicitly told their parent they don't want to contest.
The LW is still CONTEMPLATING failing their child even worse than mine did in failing to stand up for me, but they might still grow a spine and tell their parents no bigotry towards their kid will be tolerated as a condition of visiting (and, obviously, to back that up with supporting the kid's bathroom use).
no subject
But more and more gnc/nonbinary people these days list their birth pronouns as an okay option, or don't want to make pronouns a big part of their early transition process. And there are plenty of "allies" like LW who think a pronoun change is all they need to do. And LW tells us nothing about either the kid's pronoun choices or the kid's feelings about the grandparents. I'd give even odds the kid is hoping grandparents will be an ally against Mom - they may not be as "woke" to start with, but they seem more willing to learn and less exhausting than Mom.
Anyway, I don't think LW is capable of being a proactive ally on the bathroom thing yet, since she's busy being part of the problem. "Shut up and follow the kid's lead" may be the best you can ask.
no subject
(Even if the kid said "Eh, I guess it's not a battle that's worth fighting," I think it's a matter of basic respect and consideration to use the pronouns that people use to self-identify -- the fact that the parents/grandparents are making it too difficult to be worth the fight doesn't mean that it's not a constant microaggression.)
no subject