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Carolyn Hax: If your shiftless fiance won’t take out the trash, put him on the curb
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I love my fiance and until recently thought we had a wonderful partnership. We've lived together for eight years and he makes more money and works longer hours, so I do almost all the housework. He's not only kind and thoughtful but always seemed appreciative of the work I do around the house.
Recently I was hospitalized for two weeks. When I came home I found he had never once walked our dog — just let the poor thing out into our tiny yard, and he didn't clean up. The house was an absolute wreck, he didn't cook or clean anything, left pizza boxes stacked on the counter, and dirty laundry piled on the laundry room floor. I was still recovering and that was kind of a nightmare to come home to.
I asked him why he didn't do anything, and he said he's no good at that stuff and knew I'd want to do it "the right way" when I got back.
We moved in together right out of college so he's never taken care of a place by himself. I asked him if he wanted to learn, but he said he doesn't see a real problem with the shape the house was in. Would you consider this a big enough issue to delay our summer wedding?
— Still in Shock
Still in Shock: Uhhh, yes?
Yes, I would consider it a big enough issue that you’re looking at 100 percent housework for the rest of your life with this man and, worse, his utter comfort with your exerting yourself on your mutual behalf while he does nothing, believing . . . can you hear my print voice rising as I type? . . . it’s a favor to YOU that he does! Right out of your sickbed!
And the poor dog, suffering such neglect. Is it one of those dogs that likes the poop scooped in a certain way that your fiance just isn’t good at?
I was actually leaning sympathetic to the guy at the start, expecting him to have been under duress with you in the hospital and with maybe too much going on at work — and certainly that will stress a partner out significantly. It’s hard to do housework when you’re wearing a groove between your office and a loved one’s hospital room. But “he’s no good at that stuff and knew I’d want to do it ‘the right way’ when I got back”??? A person actually said that!? To a loved one who’s been sick?!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-if-your-shiftless-fiance-wont-take-out-the-trash-put-him-on-the-curb/2019/11/11/c44263a2-0264-11ea-8501-2a7123a38c58_story.html
Dear Carolyn: I love my fiance and until recently thought we had a wonderful partnership. We've lived together for eight years and he makes more money and works longer hours, so I do almost all the housework. He's not only kind and thoughtful but always seemed appreciative of the work I do around the house.
Recently I was hospitalized for two weeks. When I came home I found he had never once walked our dog — just let the poor thing out into our tiny yard, and he didn't clean up. The house was an absolute wreck, he didn't cook or clean anything, left pizza boxes stacked on the counter, and dirty laundry piled on the laundry room floor. I was still recovering and that was kind of a nightmare to come home to.
I asked him why he didn't do anything, and he said he's no good at that stuff and knew I'd want to do it "the right way" when I got back.
We moved in together right out of college so he's never taken care of a place by himself. I asked him if he wanted to learn, but he said he doesn't see a real problem with the shape the house was in. Would you consider this a big enough issue to delay our summer wedding?
— Still in Shock
Still in Shock: Uhhh, yes?
Yes, I would consider it a big enough issue that you’re looking at 100 percent housework for the rest of your life with this man and, worse, his utter comfort with your exerting yourself on your mutual behalf while he does nothing, believing . . . can you hear my print voice rising as I type? . . . it’s a favor to YOU that he does! Right out of your sickbed!
And the poor dog, suffering such neglect. Is it one of those dogs that likes the poop scooped in a certain way that your fiance just isn’t good at?
I was actually leaning sympathetic to the guy at the start, expecting him to have been under duress with you in the hospital and with maybe too much going on at work — and certainly that will stress a partner out significantly. It’s hard to do housework when you’re wearing a groove between your office and a loved one’s hospital room. But “he’s no good at that stuff and knew I’d want to do it ‘the right way’ when I got back”??? A person actually said that!? To a loved one who’s been sick?!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-if-your-shiftless-fiance-wont-take-out-the-trash-put-him-on-the-curb/2019/11/11/c44263a2-0264-11ea-8501-2a7123a38c58_story.html
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I have other people cook for me *by necessity* (I am physically unable), and even with people who are paid to cook for me, I don't *order* anything. I ask, and I provide recipes, and would respect a "that's too complicated for me" if it were given.
The sense of entitlement some people have is ... impressive.
I'm glad they were "trainable"...
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He is NOT "kind and thoughtful," he's a self-centered jerk.
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When I was in my early 20s I lived with a boyfriend and we both worked 40-45 hours a week, but we lived right across the street from my job and he had to commute 30-90 minutes each way for his, depending on which sites he had to work at. I did more of the cooking because I spent more time at home.
Sometimes having one person do more of the housework is a fair arrangement in a partnership.
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Various extras: handwashing the heirloom china, polishing real silver flatware, mopping, using a delicates bag in the laundry, cleaning the windows, when to use the beater bar on the vacuum.
Note, your candidate may return with a few small and inconsequential bruises - I will sometimes have to use a padded paddle to get them off the couch. In most cases this will happen within the first couple of weeks and any incurred bruises will have dissipated by the time they return. Your candidate may also have better groomed facial hair, and an appreciation for clothing styles. Note, I will not work on sexual awareness except inasmuch as to point him to female-produced, queer-friendly, body positive porn.
Payment will be accepted in Islay Scotch, Russian Imperial Stout, and aged dark rum, because lordy I will need it.
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Huh. I've been washing my own clothes since I was 16/17, and I did NOT know that you were supposed to separate out reds from darks.
My washes have been [white clothes] vs [everything else]
[I'm a cis woman, but self-taught on housework matters, as my parents were extremely neglectful]
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*honestly curious*
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I call shenanigans. Fitted sheets cannot be folded without opening an abyss and summoning deep ones.
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1. fold in half longwise
2. nest the corners together from each long side - I do this by sticking the corners of the top edge one on each hand, and then wrestle the bottom edge on top.
3. bring the corners together, so that your hands touch through four layers of fabric
4. flip one pair of corners on top of the other pair. The top of the sheet should now be four layers thick, and with a bit of shaking (and maybe grabbing the fold diagonal from the corner you are holding) should sit flat
4. Ignoring the short edge, straighten the long edge so that the skirt of the sheet is sitting flat against the big folded section
5. tidy up the corner so that the short section is also sitting flat. Think of it as folding paper for gift wrapping, if that helps.
At this point, you have something that is sufficiently rectangular that you can fold as if it is. Fold 'inwards' so that the elasticated edges are tucked in to the middle. This is the bit where you have to work out what fits on your shelf, and fudge a bit.
As an extra - I find this easiest to do when taking them off the line, as it enables me to get a good grip on the first two corners. I have no idea how one does it if one is using a dryer.
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It's actually not that hard as long as you can put everything you know about folding out of your head
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I have a picture for this!
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Re: I have a picture for this!
* Re: I have a picture for this!
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a) the man was so paralysed by worry about the LW's health that he couldn't clean;
b) the man had a really bad Anxiety/Depression flare because of LW's health
or
c) the man didn't clean because he was taking a gazillion extra shifts at work to cover LW's medical bill
No. Just no.
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With the dog... I dunno.