Carolyn Hax: If your shiftless fiance won’t take out the trash, put him on the curb

[conuly]

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I love my fiance and until recently thought we had a wonderful partnership. We've lived together for eight years and he makes more money and works longer hours, so I do almost all the housework. He's not only kind and thoughtful but always seemed appreciative of the work I do around the house.

Recently I was hospitalized for two weeks. When I came home I found he had never once walked our dog — just let the poor thing out into our tiny yard, and he didn't clean up. The house was an absolute wreck, he didn't cook or clean anything, left pizza boxes stacked on the counter, and dirty laundry piled on the laundry room floor. I was still recovering and that was kind of a nightmare to come home to.

I asked him why he didn't do anything, and he said he's no good at that stuff and knew I'd want to do it "the right way" when I got back.

We moved in together right out of college so he's never taken care of a place by himself. I asked him if he wanted to learn, but he said he doesn't see a real problem with the shape the house was in. Would you consider this a big enough issue to delay our summer wedding?

— Still in Shock

Still in Shock: Uhhh, yes?

Yes, I would consider it a big enough issue that you’re looking at 100 percent housework for the rest of your life with this man and, worse, his utter comfort with your exerting yourself on your mutual behalf while he does nothing, believing . . . can you hear my print voice rising as I type? . . . it’s a favor to YOU that he does! Right out of your sickbed!

And the poor dog, suffering such neglect. Is it one of those dogs that likes the poop scooped in a certain way that your fiance just isn’t good at?

I was actually leaning sympathetic to the guy at the start, expecting him to have been under duress with you in the hospital and with maybe too much going on at work — and certainly that will stress a partner out significantly. It’s hard to do housework when you’re wearing a groove between your office and a loved one’s hospital room. But “he’s no good at that stuff and knew I’d want to do it ‘the right way’ when I got back”??? A person actually said that!? To a loved one who’s been sick?!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-if-your-shiftless-fiance-wont-take-out-the-trash-put-him-on-the-curb/2019/11/11/c44263a2-0264-11ea-8501-2a7123a38c58_story.html

Comments

[conuly]

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

[onlysmallwings]

When cleaning up the mess the house has become, it is advisable to throw the whole boyfriend out.

[purlewe]

run... RUN! do not stay with this dude. Bc one day you might have to be sick again and every time you get to clean up afterward you will resent it.

[misbegotten]

What a jerk.

[ayebydan]

Keep the dog, lose the man. The dog is a better deal anyway

[jadelennox]

I could think there's a solution beyond DTMFA -- communication! therapy! talking to a pastor or a friend! -- if it weren't for the dog. Cruelty to animals is a hard pass. If you won't walk the dog, hire a goddamn dog walker. Fuck that guy.

[movingfinger]

Dear humans, any "partnership" that involves one person doing more housework in the residence you share because the other "makes more money and works longer hours" is not a partnership. It is a live-in maid arrangement.

He is NOT "kind and thoughtful," he's a self-centered jerk.

[xenacryst]

Someday I'm gonna set up a business called Domesticate Yo Self, and you'll be able to send your boyfriend/spouse/partner/etc. to me, and they'll live with me for a month and I'll turn them into a perfect househusband. They'll learn how to boil water (and maybe even pasta, and for an extra fee I'll introduce them to at least two different cuisines). They'll learn to recognize when the granite countertops have crud on them, and what to do about it. They'll learn to differentiate the smell of an unwashed dishwasher from the smell of an overflowing trash can, and how to make each go away. They'll learn how to separate a load of laundry into darks and lights and reds, how to fill a washer, and how to put in detergent and get everything clean and dry. For a small extra fee they'll learn how to add fabric softener. For a more substantial fee they'll learn how to deal with folding fitted sheets. They'll have the opportunity to fold at least one load of laundry, and I'll even throw in some bras and panties for them to deal with (yes, even the lacy kind). They'll learn how to scoop cat litter, and I'll have them at least observe one full litter box cleanout (sorry, I don't do dogs, but I will give them handouts on dog walking, poop bags, and retractible leashes). They'll learn how to use a toilet brush and a plunger, and they'll have the opportunity to try to pull a wad of hair from the shower drain. They'll be able to spot a lump of white toothpaste on the white ceramic of the bathroom sink, and make it go away.

Various extras: handwashing the heirloom china, polishing real silver flatware, mopping, using a delicates bag in the laundry, cleaning the windows, when to use the beater bar on the vacuum.

Note, your candidate may return with a few small and inconsequential bruises - I will sometimes have to use a padded paddle to get them off the couch. In most cases this will happen within the first couple of weeks and any incurred bruises will have dissipated by the time they return. Your candidate may also have better groomed facial hair, and an appreciation for clothing styles. Note, I will not work on sexual awareness except inasmuch as to point him to female-produced, queer-friendly, body positive porn.

Payment will be accepted in Islay Scotch, Russian Imperial Stout, and aged dark rum, because lordy I will need it.

I have a picture for this!

[sporky_rat]

[lilysea]

Unless

a) the man was so paralysed by worry about the LW's health that he couldn't clean;

b) the man had a really bad Anxiety/Depression flare because of LW's health

or

c) the man didn't clean because he was taking a gazillion extra shifts at work to cover LW's medical bill

No. Just no.

[eleanorjane]

Leaving the dog aside, I could put this down to Extreme Thoughtlessness which might possibly be remedied with some serious conversation.

With the dog... I dunno.