Someday I'm gonna set up a business called Domesticate Yo Self, and you'll be able to send your boyfriend/spouse/partner/etc. to me, and they'll live with me for a month and I'll turn them into a perfect househusband. They'll learn how to boil water (and maybe even pasta, and for an extra fee I'll introduce them to at least two different cuisines). They'll learn to recognize when the granite countertops have crud on them, and what to do about it. They'll learn to differentiate the smell of an unwashed dishwasher from the smell of an overflowing trash can, and how to make each go away. They'll learn how to separate a load of laundry into darks and lights and reds, how to fill a washer, and how to put in detergent and get everything clean and dry. For a small extra fee they'll learn how to add fabric softener. For a more substantial fee they'll learn how to deal with folding fitted sheets. They'll have the opportunity to fold at least one load of laundry, and I'll even throw in some bras and panties for them to deal with (yes, even the lacy kind). They'll learn how to scoop cat litter, and I'll have them at least observe one full litter box cleanout (sorry, I don't do dogs, but I will give them handouts on dog walking, poop bags, and retractible leashes). They'll learn how to use a toilet brush and a plunger, and they'll have the opportunity to try to pull a wad of hair from the shower drain. They'll be able to spot a lump of white toothpaste on the white ceramic of the bathroom sink, and make it go away.
Various extras: handwashing the heirloom china, polishing real silver flatware, mopping, using a delicates bag in the laundry, cleaning the windows, when to use the beater bar on the vacuum.
Note, your candidate may return with a few small and inconsequential bruises - I will sometimes have to use a padded paddle to get them off the couch. In most cases this will happen within the first couple of weeks and any incurred bruises will have dissipated by the time they return. Your candidate may also have better groomed facial hair, and an appreciation for clothing styles. Note, I will not work on sexual awareness except inasmuch as to point him to female-produced, queer-friendly, body positive porn.
Payment will be accepted in Islay Scotch, Russian Imperial Stout, and aged dark rum, because lordy I will need it.
no subject
Various extras: handwashing the heirloom china, polishing real silver flatware, mopping, using a delicates bag in the laundry, cleaning the windows, when to use the beater bar on the vacuum.
Note, your candidate may return with a few small and inconsequential bruises - I will sometimes have to use a padded paddle to get them off the couch. In most cases this will happen within the first couple of weeks and any incurred bruises will have dissipated by the time they return. Your candidate may also have better groomed facial hair, and an appreciation for clothing styles. Note, I will not work on sexual awareness except inasmuch as to point him to female-produced, queer-friendly, body positive porn.
Payment will be accepted in Islay Scotch, Russian Imperial Stout, and aged dark rum, because lordy I will need it.