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agonyaunt2019-11-13 10:48 am
lemonsharks) wrote in agonyaunt2019-11-13 10:48 am
Entry tags:
care and feeding: to offer a character reference for unfit adopters or ... not
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.
In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.
They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?
Dear AA?,
If your brother and sister-in-law were able to conceive, your opinion on their fitness as parents would be something you’d have to keep to yourself. Since there is no concrete thing—addiction, criminal behavior—that you see as patently disqualifying (and that you’d be morally bound to disclose), I see a few possible scenarios here.
You write the letter and stick to the facts. (“Bill and Hillary have been married for 15 years; they make a good living; they live in a wonderful school district.”) This will make your in-laws happy, though it might make you feel uncomfortable.
You write the letter, and you are forthright about your opinions. (“Bill is old-fashioned; Hillary is fragile; I worry about their ability to parent a child of another race.”) If they ever read this letter—you don’t address whether this is confidential—your in-laws will feel betrayed, and though it might satisfy you ethically, I’m sure you won’t feel great either.
You don’t write the letter. Their adoption either proceeds or does not. This is clearly the best course of action for everyone involved. It might be impossible for you to decline your in-laws this favor without hurting any feelings. You could claim you’re simply too busy. You could suggest that maybe a friend from church would be more persuasive in this context. You could intimate vaguely that you’re not the right person for this task and let them think of that what they will. It might not be easy, but it’s clearly the right choice. Good luck.
My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.
In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.
They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?
Dear AA?,
If your brother and sister-in-law were able to conceive, your opinion on their fitness as parents would be something you’d have to keep to yourself. Since there is no concrete thing—addiction, criminal behavior—that you see as patently disqualifying (and that you’d be morally bound to disclose), I see a few possible scenarios here.
You write the letter and stick to the facts. (“Bill and Hillary have been married for 15 years; they make a good living; they live in a wonderful school district.”) This will make your in-laws happy, though it might make you feel uncomfortable.
You write the letter, and you are forthright about your opinions. (“Bill is old-fashioned; Hillary is fragile; I worry about their ability to parent a child of another race.”) If they ever read this letter—you don’t address whether this is confidential—your in-laws will feel betrayed, and though it might satisfy you ethically, I’m sure you won’t feel great either.
You don’t write the letter. Their adoption either proceeds or does not. This is clearly the best course of action for everyone involved. It might be impossible for you to decline your in-laws this favor without hurting any feelings. You could claim you’re simply too busy. You could suggest that maybe a friend from church would be more persuasive in this context. You could intimate vaguely that you’re not the right person for this task and let them think of that what they will. It might not be easy, but it’s clearly the right choice. Good luck.
no subject
No? Then be honest.
And I'm going to be blunt here. There are a lot of murders of adopted children by "very religious parents", particularly religious parents of a more conservative bent. Disabled and LGBTQ kids are always at a higher risk of harm than others, but even without those confounding factors.... Some people get into adoption because they want to adopt, and some people do it because they want to Save a Child. And in the latter case, they're not always willing to accept that the child they save may not be brimming over with gratitude for the favor, at every minute of every day, and obedient and complaint and cheerful.
no subject