Some good advice and some ??? advice from Abby

[conuly]

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FORMER PARENT: As a matter of fact, I can. Tell the questioner, "I have one daughter. We are estranged, and I don't wish to discuss it further." Period. It's the truth.

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*****

2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is ANONYMOUS. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn't have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward.

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Comments

[mrissa]

1. When I was a kid it got back to me that my dad's stepmother was telling people that my dad's father had no grandchildren of his own but was a grandfather to her grandchildren. He was indeed a grandfather to her grandchildren, but that was one of the final nails in the coffin of "maybe someday I will have a relationship with this man." Another was when she tried to get me left out of the list of great-grandchildren in my great-grandmother's obituary (the estrangement did not extend to anyone else in the family, just dad's father and stepmother, so I saw and wrote to Great-Grandma frequently; because of the ages of the people involved I was probably her emotionally closest great-grandchild).

So: you can try to pretend people don't exist when you find it socially inconvenient, but they still do exist. And that can ALSO be socially inconvenient.

How did we find this out? Because one of the times it happened, unbeknownst to them, my dad's father and stepmother were seated next to not only some nice people asking about his grandchildren but also some friends of the other side of my family. Who immediately said, "oh no, John, I'm so sorry, what happened to Marissa?" and made the whole thing TEN MILLION times more awkward than it had to be.

[minoanmiss]

Wow, did your stepmother want to be a fairy tale villainness or something? Sheesh, that sounds absolutely horrible.

[green_grrl]

Love that “hoist on their own petard” consequence, though. Awkward returned to sender by their own actions.