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Dear Prudence: My Dad is an Asshole
Link.
Dear Prudence,
How can I coexist with my dad more peacefully? For context, I’m a teenager living in my parents’ home while attending university. Generally, I love my life and feel very grateful for all the opportunities they’ve given me, but my relationship with my father erodes the longer we are together. He is completely opposed to me on all political and social issues and constantly makes racist/homophobic jokes in my presence. He lacks empathy for others and criticizes everyone he can’t personally relate to—fat people, trans people, you name it. Honestly, I consider it a good day when we exchange less than 50 words.
It came to a head today when he asked if I was attending a dinner with their old friends. I said no, and he got annoyed. He said I was rude for not wanting to “see people who want to see me” and that “kids these days only care about their friends.” (I only have a couple of close friends, and they both live really far away, but they know me better than most of my family, so I try to make time to call them a lot.) I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life. I love my dad, but I really don’t like him. Help, please!
—War of the Worlds
Dear War of the Worlds,
Even the healthiest parent-child relationships will feel totally infuriating during one’s teen years, and being a university student while living with your parents is bound to bring up a next-level clash of values, not to mention their feelings about your growing independence. Your dad is grappling with the fact that you’re now capable of not only choosing how to spend your time, but also what beliefs to hold, which sound hugely different from his. I think he feels challenged and intimidated by the fact that you’re now a young adult, and he’s trying to regain a sense of control by judging your behavior and waiting for you to magically read his mind RE: choosing to attend the dinner with his friends.
It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily. I wonder if it will help to disarm his need to affirm his role as Dad Knows Best by reassuring him a little. Is it possible to identify one activity (maybe a Friday morning coffee run?) or tradition (cooking your favorite meal together) that doesn’t require much conversation, but still allows you to show your dad that you’re interested in connecting? Frame your request in a way that makes it sound like he’s doing something for you. “I’d really love to pick up groceries tomorrow to make that dish you taught me, will you please come with me so I won’t forget anything?” If he steers into political/social commentary territory, gently set a boundary: “Dad, you know we could fight about this forever, let’s just get these vegetables chopped, OK?” I think if you can reassure your dad about his role in your life, it’ll make him much more relaxed and less defensive, and you guys may even find a topic or two that’s safe for everyone to discuss. It won’t feel fun for you at first, but think of it as your inaugural step toward becoming an adult who takes care of family, and not just the kid who’s always being taken care of.
—Delia
Dear Prudence,
How can I coexist with my dad more peacefully? For context, I’m a teenager living in my parents’ home while attending university. Generally, I love my life and feel very grateful for all the opportunities they’ve given me, but my relationship with my father erodes the longer we are together. He is completely opposed to me on all political and social issues and constantly makes racist/homophobic jokes in my presence. He lacks empathy for others and criticizes everyone he can’t personally relate to—fat people, trans people, you name it. Honestly, I consider it a good day when we exchange less than 50 words.
It came to a head today when he asked if I was attending a dinner with their old friends. I said no, and he got annoyed. He said I was rude for not wanting to “see people who want to see me” and that “kids these days only care about their friends.” (I only have a couple of close friends, and they both live really far away, but they know me better than most of my family, so I try to make time to call them a lot.) I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life. I love my dad, but I really don’t like him. Help, please!
—War of the Worlds
Dear War of the Worlds,
Even the healthiest parent-child relationships will feel totally infuriating during one’s teen years, and being a university student while living with your parents is bound to bring up a next-level clash of values, not to mention their feelings about your growing independence. Your dad is grappling with the fact that you’re now capable of not only choosing how to spend your time, but also what beliefs to hold, which sound hugely different from his. I think he feels challenged and intimidated by the fact that you’re now a young adult, and he’s trying to regain a sense of control by judging your behavior and waiting for you to magically read his mind RE: choosing to attend the dinner with his friends.
It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily. I wonder if it will help to disarm his need to affirm his role as Dad Knows Best by reassuring him a little. Is it possible to identify one activity (maybe a Friday morning coffee run?) or tradition (cooking your favorite meal together) that doesn’t require much conversation, but still allows you to show your dad that you’re interested in connecting? Frame your request in a way that makes it sound like he’s doing something for you. “I’d really love to pick up groceries tomorrow to make that dish you taught me, will you please come with me so I won’t forget anything?” If he steers into political/social commentary territory, gently set a boundary: “Dad, you know we could fight about this forever, let’s just get these vegetables chopped, OK?” I think if you can reassure your dad about his role in your life, it’ll make him much more relaxed and less defensive, and you guys may even find a topic or two that’s safe for everyone to discuss. It won’t feel fun for you at first, but think of it as your inaugural step toward becoming an adult who takes care of family, and not just the kid who’s always being taken care of.
—Delia
no subject
LW, I'm going to assume that moving out is, for whatever reason, not an option. Make it a goal. A really, really important goal. Your Dad is not saying cruel things about BIPOC and trans people because you're growing up. He's saying them because it's who he is. Avoid him as much as you can, and make getting out a priority.
no subject