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DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.
After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"
When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.
They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND
DEAR KEEP OFF: Some parents don't understand that what they do can affect their children for the rest of their lives. Your parents are a prime example.
A way to get the message across to them would be to explain it to them just as you have to me: You were young and defenseless, and in spite of your protests, they forced you into physical contact with people. Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are. NO ONE has the right to touch you if you do not want to be touched.
If your parents continue forcing their physical demonstrations of "affection" (which seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance) over your protests, recognize it for what it is -- a mild form of sadism (no, I'm not kidding). See them less often, and be sure they know why.
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After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"
When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.
They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND
DEAR KEEP OFF: Some parents don't understand that what they do can affect their children for the rest of their lives. Your parents are a prime example.
A way to get the message across to them would be to explain it to them just as you have to me: You were young and defenseless, and in spite of your protests, they forced you into physical contact with people. Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are. NO ONE has the right to touch you if you do not want to be touched.
If your parents continue forcing their physical demonstrations of "affection" (which seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance) over your protests, recognize it for what it is -- a mild form of sadism (no, I'm not kidding). See them less often, and be sure they know why.
Link
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I love that kids now are being taught about consent and bodily autonomy from a young age, and I try very hard to respect that with my nieces and nephews - like, it's one thing to grab the 2-year-old if she's about to run headfirst into a table or fall off the stairs, completely different to insist on a hug when she doesn't want one. These kids only see me a couple times a year, I'm not going to force them into anything they aren't comfortable with.