Sense and Sensitivity: my mom won't stop being friends with my X

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her, and I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen. I haven't brought my new girlfriend home because of my mother's close relationship with my ex. Do I just ignore the fact that they are still in contact? My ex and I do not speak. -- Unnecessary BFFs, Denver

DEAR UNNECESSARY BFFS: You and your mother need to get on the same page. Visit her by yourself, and ask her if you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable that she and your ex are close. Acknowledge that you did appreciate how welcoming she was to this woman, but remind her that you are not in a relationship with her now, and you are not even speaking to each other.

Make it clear to your mother that you have a girlfriend whom you would like to bring around to meet your mom, but you have hesitated because your mother is so enmeshed with your ex. Ask your mother to sever or at least reduce her interaction with your ex so that she can create space for your new girlfriend. Further, make it clear to her that you do not want her sharing anything about your new girlfriend with your ex.

Just so you know, this situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Especially if you dated your ex for a long while and she spent considerable time with your mother, it is understandable that they developed a relationship. Still, you really do need your mother to honor your life as it is today. I will add that you should be mindful of whom you bring home. Your mother has already shown you that whomever you bring will be welcomed with open arms. Be conscious and intentional about who deserves to meet your family.

Comments

[cereta]

Man, reading Harriette always makes me feel exhausted-by-proxy.

I think it's fair for the LW to ask that (a) their new relationship not be discussed with the ex (possibly even that they avoid discussing the LW themselves in any detail) and (b) that the ex not be brought up around the new girlfriend. Beyond that...I'm not sure the LW gets to say that Mom has to discontinue a friendship that she obviously finds value in.

I dunno. Kind of curious what others think.

[azurelunatic]

For me it would kind of depend on what the context is for not speaking to the ex. Is it because they have nothing more to say to each other, because of a painful breakup, or because of some bad behavior on the ex's part?

If there was some egregious bad behavior, I can see how the mother staying in close contact would feel like choosing the ex over the child.

[cereta]

*nods* I tend to assume people would include things like that in a letter like this, but that's not a good assumption. Yes, if there was some kind of bad behavior, I could definitely see that being a real problem.

[torachan]

Yeah, if the ex was abusive or something like that, absolutely ask your mom not to have anything else to do with her, but otherwise, nah. It's not all about you, and you don't get to demand that your mom stop being friends with someone just because you no longer have a relationship with them.

[jadelennox]

Good point. But absent the bad behavior or other fraught issues, it's none of the LW's business. They have the right to ask they not be exposed to the ex or conversation about them, but that's it.

[eleanorjane]

Pretty much exactly this.

[tielan]

My first instinct is "I'm sorry, but women's lives do not revolve around you, dudebro; if they've struck up a relationship that is independent of you (although you might be the cause) then you're going to have to grow a pair of ovaries and fuckin' deal."

My second is "okay, so you're not talking to your ex: why not? What's the underlying readon? Does your mother know the ins and outs of why you're not talking? Have you discussed the situation with her without accusing her of disloyalty?"

And my third is "Talk to your mom about the new girlfriend. If mom is inclined to be unwelcoming, then warn the new gf. If she's going to reference how 'ex made a better gf' or some such, then warn the new gf. If she's going to be perfectly okay with the new gf because you're seeing her, then let the new gf know about that, too. Basically: your new gf needs you to back her up whatever happens - and that might mean dealing with your mother's snide comments if she doesn't like new gf vs old gf. Your job is not to get snippy with your mother, or with your ex, but to say firmly and calmly 'hey, this is my new gf and she has my loyalty, i ask you to treat her with respect.'"

Basically, there are a lot of factors behind it all. But my first instinct is that he's demanding his mom and his ex make him more emotionally comfortable by cutting off a connection that they feel towards each other. Which, yeah, mate, FUCK NO.

[vass]

Who says the letter writer is male?

[tielan]

Fair call: heternormativity in the house.

I think the point stands that if the mother and ex have developed a relationship outside the LW, then if it's just the LW feeling uncomfortable (and not, say, the ex sabotaging the new gf) then that's outside their right to control.

[amadi]

Red flags, red flags everywhere!

My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her,

So which is it? Is the friendship the result of an intrusive ex trying to hold onto LW's family unfairly, or did LW's mom make the decision that she likes ex and wants to be in contact? It's like they're blaming the ex for mom's texting, but that's mom's choice. And is it "my family" or "my mom?" Did the ex finagle an undeserved invite to LW's uncle's 4th of July BBQ or Thanksgiving at LW's Auntie Linda's? Or is this all about some (occasional?) texting?

I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen.

Why is LW looking at their mother's phone? As a rule, looking at other people's phones to see who's calling or texting them, even glancing because the phone rang or chimed, is an invasion of privacy, and LW isn't justified to be all in their feelings when they're seeking information they're not entitled to.

By use of "brought home" rather than "taken home" or "taken to meet" I'm getting the sense that LW lives with their mother. But that doesn't change how egregious their behavior is, unless there's an element of abuse in the relationship that's unnamed. Absent that, I think LW is being a bit of a jerk, and mother doesn't owe new girlfriend anything other than basic courtesy.