Sense and Sensitivity: my mom won't stop being friends with my X

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her, and I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen. I haven't brought my new girlfriend home because of my mother's close relationship with my ex. Do I just ignore the fact that they are still in contact? My ex and I do not speak. -- Unnecessary BFFs, Denver

DEAR UNNECESSARY BFFS: You and your mother need to get on the same page. Visit her by yourself, and ask her if you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable that she and your ex are close. Acknowledge that you did appreciate how welcoming she was to this woman, but remind her that you are not in a relationship with her now, and you are not even speaking to each other.

Make it clear to your mother that you have a girlfriend whom you would like to bring around to meet your mom, but you have hesitated because your mother is so enmeshed with your ex. Ask your mother to sever or at least reduce her interaction with your ex so that she can create space for your new girlfriend. Further, make it clear to her that you do not want her sharing anything about your new girlfriend with your ex.

Just so you know, this situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Especially if you dated your ex for a long while and she spent considerable time with your mother, it is understandable that they developed a relationship. Still, you really do need your mother to honor your life as it is today. I will add that you should be mindful of whom you bring home. Your mother has already shown you that whomever you bring will be welcomed with open arms. Be conscious and intentional about who deserves to meet your family.

Comments

[tielan]

My first instinct is "I'm sorry, but women's lives do not revolve around you, dudebro; if they've struck up a relationship that is independent of you (although you might be the cause) then you're going to have to grow a pair of ovaries and fuckin' deal."

My second is "okay, so you're not talking to your ex: why not? What's the underlying readon? Does your mother know the ins and outs of why you're not talking? Have you discussed the situation with her without accusing her of disloyalty?"

And my third is "Talk to your mom about the new girlfriend. If mom is inclined to be unwelcoming, then warn the new gf. If she's going to reference how 'ex made a better gf' or some such, then warn the new gf. If she's going to be perfectly okay with the new gf because you're seeing her, then let the new gf know about that, too. Basically: your new gf needs you to back her up whatever happens - and that might mean dealing with your mother's snide comments if she doesn't like new gf vs old gf. Your job is not to get snippy with your mother, or with your ex, but to say firmly and calmly 'hey, this is my new gf and she has my loyalty, i ask you to treat her with respect.'"

Basically, there are a lot of factors behind it all. But my first instinct is that he's demanding his mom and his ex make him more emotionally comfortable by cutting off a connection that they feel towards each other. Which, yeah, mate, FUCK NO.

[vass]

Who says the letter writer is male?

[tielan]

Fair call: heternormativity in the house.

I think the point stands that if the mother and ex have developed a relationship outside the LW, then if it's just the LW feeling uncomfortable (and not, say, the ex sabotaging the new gf) then that's outside their right to control.