Sense and Sensitivity: my mom won't stop being friends with my X

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her, and I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen. I haven't brought my new girlfriend home because of my mother's close relationship with my ex. Do I just ignore the fact that they are still in contact? My ex and I do not speak. -- Unnecessary BFFs, Denver

DEAR UNNECESSARY BFFS: You and your mother need to get on the same page. Visit her by yourself, and ask her if you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable that she and your ex are close. Acknowledge that you did appreciate how welcoming she was to this woman, but remind her that you are not in a relationship with her now, and you are not even speaking to each other.

Make it clear to your mother that you have a girlfriend whom you would like to bring around to meet your mom, but you have hesitated because your mother is so enmeshed with your ex. Ask your mother to sever or at least reduce her interaction with your ex so that she can create space for your new girlfriend. Further, make it clear to her that you do not want her sharing anything about your new girlfriend with your ex.

Just so you know, this situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Especially if you dated your ex for a long while and she spent considerable time with your mother, it is understandable that they developed a relationship. Still, you really do need your mother to honor your life as it is today. I will add that you should be mindful of whom you bring home. Your mother has already shown you that whomever you bring will be welcomed with open arms. Be conscious and intentional about who deserves to meet your family.

Comments

[cereta]

Man, reading Harriette always makes me feel exhausted-by-proxy.

I think it's fair for the LW to ask that (a) their new relationship not be discussed with the ex (possibly even that they avoid discussing the LW themselves in any detail) and (b) that the ex not be brought up around the new girlfriend. Beyond that...I'm not sure the LW gets to say that Mom has to discontinue a friendship that she obviously finds value in.

I dunno. Kind of curious what others think.

[azurelunatic]

For me it would kind of depend on what the context is for not speaking to the ex. Is it because they have nothing more to say to each other, because of a painful breakup, or because of some bad behavior on the ex's part?

If there was some egregious bad behavior, I can see how the mother staying in close contact would feel like choosing the ex over the child.

[cereta]

*nods* I tend to assume people would include things like that in a letter like this, but that's not a good assumption. Yes, if there was some kind of bad behavior, I could definitely see that being a real problem.

[torachan]

Yeah, if the ex was abusive or something like that, absolutely ask your mom not to have anything else to do with her, but otherwise, nah. It's not all about you, and you don't get to demand that your mom stop being friends with someone just because you no longer have a relationship with them.

[jadelennox]

Good point. But absent the bad behavior or other fraught issues, it's none of the LW's business. They have the right to ask they not be exposed to the ex or conversation about them, but that's it.

[eleanorjane]

Pretty much exactly this.