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Sense and Sensitivity: my mom won't stop being friends with my X
DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her, and I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen. I haven't brought my new girlfriend home because of my mother's close relationship with my ex. Do I just ignore the fact that they are still in contact? My ex and I do not speak. -- Unnecessary BFFs, Denver
DEAR UNNECESSARY BFFS: You and your mother need to get on the same page. Visit her by yourself, and ask her if you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable that she and your ex are close. Acknowledge that you did appreciate how welcoming she was to this woman, but remind her that you are not in a relationship with her now, and you are not even speaking to each other.
Make it clear to your mother that you have a girlfriend whom you would like to bring around to meet your mom, but you have hesitated because your mother is so enmeshed with your ex. Ask your mother to sever or at least reduce her interaction with your ex so that she can create space for your new girlfriend. Further, make it clear to her that you do not want her sharing anything about your new girlfriend with your ex.
Just so you know, this situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Especially if you dated your ex for a long while and she spent considerable time with your mother, it is understandable that they developed a relationship. Still, you really do need your mother to honor your life as it is today. I will add that you should be mindful of whom you bring home. Your mother has already shown you that whomever you bring will be welcomed with open arms. Be conscious and intentional about who deserves to meet your family.
DEAR UNNECESSARY BFFS: You and your mother need to get on the same page. Visit her by yourself, and ask her if you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable that she and your ex are close. Acknowledge that you did appreciate how welcoming she was to this woman, but remind her that you are not in a relationship with her now, and you are not even speaking to each other.
Make it clear to your mother that you have a girlfriend whom you would like to bring around to meet your mom, but you have hesitated because your mother is so enmeshed with your ex. Ask your mother to sever or at least reduce her interaction with your ex so that she can create space for your new girlfriend. Further, make it clear to her that you do not want her sharing anything about your new girlfriend with your ex.
Just so you know, this situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Especially if you dated your ex for a long while and she spent considerable time with your mother, it is understandable that they developed a relationship. Still, you really do need your mother to honor your life as it is today. I will add that you should be mindful of whom you bring home. Your mother has already shown you that whomever you bring will be welcomed with open arms. Be conscious and intentional about who deserves to meet your family.
no subject
My ex-girlfriend is a little too invested in my family. My mother regularly texts her,
So which is it? Is the friendship the result of an intrusive ex trying to hold onto LW's family unfairly, or did LW's mom make the decision that she likes ex and wants to be in contact? It's like they're blaming the ex for mom's texting, but that's mom's choice. And is it "my family" or "my mom?" Did the ex finagle an undeserved invite to LW's uncle's 4th of July BBQ or Thanksgiving at LW's Auntie Linda's? Or is this all about some (occasional?) texting?
I get unnerved when I see her name pop up on my mom's screen.
Why is LW looking at their mother's phone? As a rule, looking at other people's phones to see who's calling or texting them, even glancing because the phone rang or chimed, is an invasion of privacy, and LW isn't justified to be all in their feelings when they're seeking information they're not entitled to.
By use of "brought home" rather than "taken home" or "taken to meet" I'm getting the sense that LW lives with their mother. But that doesn't change how egregious their behavior is, unless there's an element of abuse in the relationship that's unnamed. Absent that, I think LW is being a bit of a jerk, and mother doesn't owe new girlfriend anything other than basic courtesy.