agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: One of my dear friends is Christian. She knows I'm Jewish. I don't expect her to acknowledge many of the Jewish holidays because I'm sure she's unfamiliar with them. However, Hanukkah is ubiquitous, and it would be nice if she would wish me a "Happy Hanukkah."

Every year, she wishes me a "Merry Christmas," buys me a Christmas gift and a Christmas card. She's a truly nice person, and I don't think she's deliberately being dismissive or insensitive. I have mentioned this to her several times over the years, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Without insulting her or seeming ungrateful, how can I let her know this bothers me? -- OBSERVANT IN OHIO

DEAR OBSERVANT: If she's a dear friend, she's not likely trying to upset you. A month before the beginning of Hanukkah this year, "remind" her that you do not celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas. It should allow her enough time to find a suitable card for you. If she forgets after that, do not exile her into the wilderness, but forgive her.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2827119

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It's hard to say what the next step should be, LW, without knowing what your "mentions" were. If you've told her outright that it hurts you to be given Christmas cards and you'd like her to stop, we're in a very different place than if you've just offhand mentioned you're Jewish a few times.

If you haven't outright asked her to stop, it's possible she simply doesn't realize it bothers you. One of the toughest things in situations like this is not knowing what you don't know. You may be her first Jewish friend; or she may have had other Jewish friends who were content to take part in their friends' Christian celebrations. Certainly, the kind of "I have Jewish friends!" narratives that Christian America pushes on young people still often center around "She celebrates Christmas with me, and I celebrate Hannukkah with her, and we all get along!" - she may even be understanding 'sending you a Christmas present' as a demonstration that she accepts your Jewish identity by welcoming you into her family circle as you are instead of excluding you as different.

In that case, the only recourse, I'm afraid, is to have an actual conversation about it with her where you both listen and share POVs.

If you have already repeatedly had that conversation where you're very clear that getting Christmas gifts and greetings from her upsets you, and she's still doing it, you'll have to decide what your friendship with the person is worth. Some Christians are unwilling to step back on something like that, and pushing harder almost certainly won't help. You can decide if you want to step away from the friendship, or if you want to tolerate this. (If you choose tolerate, I suggest making sure to send her a passive-aggressive Hannukkah card every year.)

This. Saying "I'm Jewish" or even "I don't celebrate Christmas" isn't enough of a hint, because there are Jews who really are ok with receiving Christmas cards; they perceive it as a welcoming gesture from members of the common culture. It's possible to be polite yet explicit, along the lines of "I know you mean well, but I'm really not comfortable receiving Christmas cards." If it's not a very deep friendship, it may be better to leave it there rather than go into mutual exchange of views about why some people are comfortable with it and others aren't, and why she thought it was ok or whether or not you should be ok with it...

It's like those great chocolate chip cookies I give all my friends, except Mary who says she's allergic to chocolate. How on earth can she be allergic to chocolate when her twin sister eats it all the time? It doesn't matter. Mary gets a different kind of cookie. Or no cookie. We might possibly discuss genetics and allergies and allergy treatment...but she knows a lot more about that than I do and she might be tired of talking about it.