Dear Prudence: "Is it wrong to do sex acts in someone’s house?"

[minoanmiss]

Is it wrong to do sex acts in someone’s house? My boyfriend “Leo” and I (two men) stayed at my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving weekend. It was really crowded and we were on an air mattress in the walk-in pantry. The house is way out in the country, so a hotel was not an option. A few older people pretended Leo and I were just friends, but everyone who really mattered liked him, and was happy I’ve been with someone so long (we met during the pandemic so this is his first time meeting the family). It went well, but he’s an introvert so by the last day he was pretty stressed. We were awake before everyone else, and … this isn’t How to Do It, so let’s just say I decided to help him out.
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My aunt burst in the pantry looking for something and caught us. I was mostly under the blanket, but it was still obvious. She raised the whole house yelling. My grandparents were a little exasperated but think it comes with the territory of hosting. My mom said it was rude but assured me she’d be equally disappointed if Leo was “Leah.” My dad thinks we shouldn’t have done it because the door doesn’t lock. My older sister and brother-in-law defended me and think my aunt should have knocked if the space was being used as a bedroom. Most people took the opinion “we’re all adults here, let’s just let it go,” but my aunt and uncle went on about immorality until my grandpa yelled at them.

We’re supposed to go see them again at Christmas. Do I need to apologize to my grandparents? How do I deal with homophobic remarks? In the holiday planning chat, my aunt has already suggested we stay in separate rooms but none of the straight couples have to do that.

— Wrong Place, Wrong Time

Dear Wrong Place,

You shouldn’t do sex acts in other people’s pantries, or any place in their home where someone might have to see or hear a sex act they don’t want to see or hear. But the reason is that to do this creates discomfort and awkwardness, not anger about immorality. When your aunt took it beyond “Whoops, sorry!” to being legitimately upset, that’s where her homophobia jumped out. Your grandparents seem to be fine. You can give them another brief apology combined with a thank you for defending you. And your script for your aunt is: “I want to talk about the Thanksgiving incident. Leo and I used bad judgment and I’m sorry you walked in on an intimate moment. What I’m not sorry for is being gay, and I am deeply hurt by your comments about immorality and your suggestion that we follow different rules than the straight couples. Those remarks are homophobic, and the whole family agrees. We expect this conversation to be closed before Christmas.”