Carolyn Hax: WTF?

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I am a stepparent to a teenage girl who has recently moved in with us while her mom works in another city. So last week I got buttonholed by another kid’s parent for one of those, “You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ” talks. This other parent’s son had asked the Kid out to a school dance, Kid said, “Thanks, but no,” and asked out her crush. (He said yes, my door hinges thank him.)

According to the other parent, if she didn’t want to go with the first boy who asked her, then she can’t go at all and should stay at home knitting her nun’s habit or something.

Is this a thing? Or is this other parent just being a tool because her son got his feelings hurt?

Dance With the One That Brought You?: No, it’s not a thing, she can dance if she wants to.

Also not a thing: “those, ‘You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ’ talks.” Even if they are a thing, please treat them as if they are not, because the surest way to alienate your fellow parents as you negotiate this newish role is to approach them as if you are the eye-rolling rebel to their monolithic sense of superiority. They’re doing their thing; you’re doing yours. Take each exchange as a conversation unto itself.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, what the fuck is this? This is the second time I have encountered this weird idea in an agony aunt column (the first was a Dear Abby that may or may not have posted it here.) Where the hell does this come from? It's not even an "old-fashioned" idea; in no historical period have I seen this idea at ALL, let alone as the norm.

(Also, btw, I tagged this "male privilege" because, even if this is entirely the mother's doing and the son is utterly mortified that she did this, it's still part and parcel of the cultural attitude that women/girls "owe" men/boys their time, attention, and bodies just because the men/boys want them.)

[ellen_fremedon]

I think the etiquette rule that's being perverted here is that if you make up a nonexistent prior engagement, then you need to preserve that fiction or look kind of silly. But if you just say "no thank you" without making up an excuse, there's no cover story to preserve.

[jadelennox]

it's incredibly dangerous in this day and age to perpetuate that,given that there are multiple examples of girls being killed because they turned a boy down for a date. No, you have no obligation to structure your social life around people just because they have sexual (or otherwise) feelings about you. And while I agree that you would need to preserve a nonexistent prior engagement (especially to avoid the madripoor_rose-described sitcom plot below), the rule will always apply: you have absolutely no obligation to structure your social life around people just because they have sexual feelings about you. None.

I mean, what, are stalker boys allowed to ruin your social life by basically DDOS-ing your dating? "well, I don't want her to go out with Jeff, so if I ask her out and she says no, she's obliged to say no to Jeff."

(Just making it clear that I don't think anybody here is reinforcing that idea--it's only Other Mom doing anyways implying that this is some kind of rule.)

[the_rck]

I remember this coming up as a thing in Cheaper By the Dozen (the book), but it was something that the girl's older brothers insisted that she do.

[cereta]

Oh, even creepier.