Dear Care & Feeding: My Son's Therapist

[minoanmiss]

My son is an 18-year-old college freshman. He’s also half-Black and is going to a predominately white private college in the northeast, which is about a two-hour drive from our house. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he wanted to seek a therapist, which is a good thing, and he finally found one who was highly recommended by many people in the area. My son called me the other day to say that he just isn’t “vibing” with her because she’s a white woman who doesn’t understand his challenges as a Black man in a sea of whiteness. I’m a white woman and I understand his challenges, so I don’t think that’s a fair reason for him to find another therapist. If she’s so highly respected in the community, she must be great, right? My husband who is Black, is on my son’s side and thinks that he should find someone else. What do you think?

—Therapist Drama

Dear Therapist Drama,

Yeah, I’m 100 percent on your husband’s side here as a Black man. I wouldn’t care if this therapist won every award under the sun, the bottom line is that your son doesn’t feel comfortable with her, and that’s what matters.

Not to mention, when it comes to therapy, nothing is more important than finding a therapist who gets you. Many years ago I had a white woman as a therapist, and I told her how uncomfortable I felt walking around my predominately-white neighborhood as the only Black man on my street. She chuckled and said, “Come on, you’re such a sweet, handsome guy with a great smile. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” And that’s when I knew I needed to find a new therapist immediately, because she clearly didn’t get me.

Think of it this way—imagine if you just delivered a baby and were suffering from postpartum depression. Now imagine discussing your depression with a male therapist who dismissed you by saying, “Come on, you have such a beautiful baby! What is there to be depressed about?!” You would probably look to find a new therapist immediately who validates your feelings and gets you, right? Also, how do you think you would feel if you told your husband that you weren’t comfortable with that male therapist and he responded by saying, “I’m a man, and I understand what you’re going through, so I don’t think the fact that he’s a man is a fair reason for you to find another therapist.” Chances are that wouldn’t go over very well with you either, and the same rule applies with your son.

Don’t get me wrong here — are there good white therapists providing amazing care to Black clients? Absolutely, and I know that to be the case from firsthand experience. However, you can’t fault your son for stating that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his problems about being a Black man in a mostly white environment with a white woman. Instead, why not help him find a therapist of color that he will feel a sense of psychological safety around? Granted, finding therapists of color in America can be challenging, but it’s way easier than it was twenty years ago thanks to the ease of video conferencing. Clinicians of Color is one of many resources available, and a quick Google search will yield many more options.

The last thing you should do is invalidate your son’s lived experiences. Trust that if he’s bringing this up as a concern, it’s for a good reason.

Comments

[sathari]

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

*tries to stop screaming and make a coherent comment*

Ahem. Okay. Look, if "wanting to leave is reason enough to leave" when it comes to a romantic/sexual relationship, that goes double if not more for therapists. Any reason that client and therapist don't connect is reason enough to find a new therapist. Full stop.