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agonyaunt2022-08-18 05:29 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-08-18 05:29 pm
Entry tags:
How To Do It: Every Time a Girlfriend Learns My Secret From My College Years … Things Get Awkward
I’m terrified she’ll leave me if she finds out.
I am currently in my early 30s, and I’m almost four years into the most loving, supportive relationship I’ve ever had. My queen (let’s call her Emily) has been there for me through the passing of both of my parents, I helped her get her business up and running, and we weathered the storm of her being a small business owner during a pandemic. I feel like we communicate very well, I only have my frame of reference but I feel like the sex is phenomenal. I bought a ring last November and plan on proposing.
At some point, after I purchased the ring, we had a party and she got very drunk and revealed that she was “kinda weirded out” by bisexual men who hook up with other men. She believes that they MUST be closeted homosexuals, and should stop duping women into believing that they are capable of male-female relationships. I was shocked by this; we are both forward-thinking, seemingly progressive people. The problem is, for about three months in college I was in a same-sex relationship. It started out very innocently, with a few drunk hookups but it was a pretty serious thing for a significant part of my life. I had two or three other flings that were similar, but have not had any desire to do anything with a man since. The only two other girls that I have been remotely serious with, the relationships turned awkward and uncomfortable after I revealed this part of my past to them.
To that end, I have not revealed this information to Emily. I am both uncomfortable with her opinions and terrified that she’ll leave me if she finds out. I am weighing the pros and cons of just burying this part of my past—the friends that I still have who know about that part of my life are people that I trust would never reveal that information. But I do feel like you can never really be in a relationship with someone if things like that are topics you feel uncomfortable disclosing. What do you think that I should do?
—Occasionally Curious Carlos
Dear Carlos,
I think there’s a high-minded, extremely principled answer to the effect of, “Dump her to show her the error of her ways and make the world that much less biphobic.” But I don’t think that’s necessarily practical. People are imperfect, and even the seemingly coolest people may hold onto some outdated and/or toxic beliefs. (Remember how Cher had an issue with her son Chaz’s initially stated sexuality and then gender identity?) Everyone is a work in progress, including the queens among us. You get to set your limit for what you will tolerate in a partner. You also get to say, “I would like to continue being with this person who practices bi-erasure as a matter of course,” and then continue being with that person.
Emily is coming from a place of ignorance that your life experience could in theory obliterate, if she is open to enlightenment. That’s a big if. Whether tempting fate is worth it depends on how important your past experiences with men are to you. Did they contribute to the formation of your identity, or are they merely discrete encounters that happened and were nice, but will be relegated strictly to your past? Do you think you’ll get curious again and want to act on it? If your bisexuality is mostly circumstantial and won’t really come up again other than in conversation, I think you’re justified in letting her comments slide. Her ignorance needn’t blow up your life; it’s bad enough that it colors her worldview. If you foresee a time when you’ll be in an open arrangement and theoretically available to hook up with another dude, or if it’s too big a part of your identity that suppressing all acknowledgement would qualify as effective deception, you should reveal and hope for the best. I’m guessing you’re leaning more toward the circumstantial scenario as it had not yet come up in your years together prior to her reveal.
Also! She was drunk when she said this, which could mean that she really feels like bi dudes aren’t a thing. It could also mean she was exaggerating for effect, or even better, that she was just talking shit. Alcohol can be a truth serum, yes, but it can also be liquid bullshit. I think you need to engage her on the topic when she’s sober to get a better grip on her actual position. You can take the opportunity then to push back on her misconceptions about bi men without divulging your personal experience. If you position the conversation as a thought exercise, you can collect information that could help you plan the next step.
I am currently in my early 30s, and I’m almost four years into the most loving, supportive relationship I’ve ever had. My queen (let’s call her Emily) has been there for me through the passing of both of my parents, I helped her get her business up and running, and we weathered the storm of her being a small business owner during a pandemic. I feel like we communicate very well, I only have my frame of reference but I feel like the sex is phenomenal. I bought a ring last November and plan on proposing.
At some point, after I purchased the ring, we had a party and she got very drunk and revealed that she was “kinda weirded out” by bisexual men who hook up with other men. She believes that they MUST be closeted homosexuals, and should stop duping women into believing that they are capable of male-female relationships. I was shocked by this; we are both forward-thinking, seemingly progressive people. The problem is, for about three months in college I was in a same-sex relationship. It started out very innocently, with a few drunk hookups but it was a pretty serious thing for a significant part of my life. I had two or three other flings that were similar, but have not had any desire to do anything with a man since. The only two other girls that I have been remotely serious with, the relationships turned awkward and uncomfortable after I revealed this part of my past to them.
To that end, I have not revealed this information to Emily. I am both uncomfortable with her opinions and terrified that she’ll leave me if she finds out. I am weighing the pros and cons of just burying this part of my past—the friends that I still have who know about that part of my life are people that I trust would never reveal that information. But I do feel like you can never really be in a relationship with someone if things like that are topics you feel uncomfortable disclosing. What do you think that I should do?
—Occasionally Curious Carlos
Dear Carlos,
I think there’s a high-minded, extremely principled answer to the effect of, “Dump her to show her the error of her ways and make the world that much less biphobic.” But I don’t think that’s necessarily practical. People are imperfect, and even the seemingly coolest people may hold onto some outdated and/or toxic beliefs. (Remember how Cher had an issue with her son Chaz’s initially stated sexuality and then gender identity?) Everyone is a work in progress, including the queens among us. You get to set your limit for what you will tolerate in a partner. You also get to say, “I would like to continue being with this person who practices bi-erasure as a matter of course,” and then continue being with that person.
Emily is coming from a place of ignorance that your life experience could in theory obliterate, if she is open to enlightenment. That’s a big if. Whether tempting fate is worth it depends on how important your past experiences with men are to you. Did they contribute to the formation of your identity, or are they merely discrete encounters that happened and were nice, but will be relegated strictly to your past? Do you think you’ll get curious again and want to act on it? If your bisexuality is mostly circumstantial and won’t really come up again other than in conversation, I think you’re justified in letting her comments slide. Her ignorance needn’t blow up your life; it’s bad enough that it colors her worldview. If you foresee a time when you’ll be in an open arrangement and theoretically available to hook up with another dude, or if it’s too big a part of your identity that suppressing all acknowledgement would qualify as effective deception, you should reveal and hope for the best. I’m guessing you’re leaning more toward the circumstantial scenario as it had not yet come up in your years together prior to her reveal.
Also! She was drunk when she said this, which could mean that she really feels like bi dudes aren’t a thing. It could also mean she was exaggerating for effect, or even better, that she was just talking shit. Alcohol can be a truth serum, yes, but it can also be liquid bullshit. I think you need to engage her on the topic when she’s sober to get a better grip on her actual position. You can take the opportunity then to push back on her misconceptions about bi men without divulging your personal experience. If you position the conversation as a thought exercise, you can collect information that could help you plan the next step.
Re: In vino iraeque veritas.
I didn't date someone for being a creationist and I didn't become someone's roommate because she vocally and frequently hated on transformative works – I certainly wouldn't date either of these people, either!