Dear Prudence: My Daughter Turned to Her MIL for Help, Not Me!

[minoanmiss]

I just found out that my grandson was diagnosed with a serious illness and instead of telling me, my daughter went to her mother-in-law first! She’s been coordinating babysitting and hospital transit for them for three weeks before anyone thought to tell me about my own grandson. When I tried to set up a schedule to streamline things and get them the right help, my daughter boxed me out. I was so hurt. She claims I chose her brother over her when the grandkids were babies. But that’s not how it was.

My free-spirited son struggled a lot with becoming a dad (it isn’t a role that plays to his strengths, and he felt a lot of shame around not being the primary breadwinner). My daughter has always been responsible so I knew she would be fine. Because I knew they had different needs, I said yes to different things: child care and financial help for my son, and a more laid-back approach for my daughter because she didn’t need the help. Now, she told me I’m only allowed to come to see them during hospital visiting hours, while her MIL comes to the house, spends tons of time with her, while she ignores my calls and drop-by visits. She’s punishing me for being a fair mom by choosing her MIL over me, and I don’t know how to help her see sense.

A: While your intentions with your son were kind and generous, I wonder how many times your daughter has felt overlooked simply because she wasn’t a squeaky wheel. It’s a hard situation for you to be in, I know, but it’s clear she doesn’t feel the treatment was fair. This is something that you two can work through, but it won’t happen now. Now she’s in crisis mode and she’s trying to help her own son. And pushing the boundary that she’s established won’t do anything to aid the situation. I’d suggest you help when you’re invited to help for now and don’t push the matter. Whatever you do, don’t try to “help her see sense.” It’s going to come off as self-serving and will probably push her further away. When conditions improve and your daughter is in a place to have a conversation, then invite her to talk about the disparity she’s felt in the way you treated her and her brother. But when you do have that conversation, go in ready to hear her experience and accept that while it may not have been your intention, it is the way she felt.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW:
This is your account. You want to look as good as possible. And look at what you told us. As soon as you heard the news of your grandson's illness you "tried to set up a schedule to streamline things and get them the right help" thus demonstrating your assumption that both your daughter and her MIL are incompetent to do so.

Do you want to be Right or do you want a relationship with your daughter and her child? (Do you even care if the kid is okay? You certainly didn't mention it.)

Sincerely,
someone who would have done the exact same in your daughter's position, without even a sibling, because my mother is as overbearing as you've shown yourself to be.

[lethe1]

Yes, this. (Without the overbearing mother.)

[raven]

There's so little in this letter about the grandson, a child currently so sick he's in hospital.

[jadelennox]

that stood out to me, rather, as well.

[delight]

for three weeks.

If it's the US, a hospital stay of three weeks for illness is very uncommon!

[minoanmiss]

This. That poor kid must be so ill. Why do I feel like I'm more worried about him than his grandmother is?

[mommy]

This letter writer responded to the situation by "set[ting] up a schedule to streamline things" rather than by just asking how they can help and joining the schedule that had already been established over the prior three weeks. No wonder the daughter left this parent out.

[cereta]

Amid everything in the letter, all I can really see is, "My grandchild is seriously ill. Let's talk about me."

[conuly]

I was so hurt.

Of course she was, and that's what's really important here, isn't it.

[shanaqui]

My free-spirited son struggled a lot with becoming a dad (it isn’t a role that plays to his strengths, and he felt a lot of shame around not being the primary breadwinner). My daughter has always been responsible so I knew she would be fine.

Sounds to me like someone has a favourite and they've made it clear. "Meh, my daughter will be fine with the lifechanging process of becoming a mother and being a parent"... listen to yourself, LW. Of course your daughter wanted your help too. You don't quite mention whether the two even became parents at the same time -- was it a zero-sum game? Or could you have offered the support even if your daughter didn't need it?

[cereta]

In her mid-eighties, forty years after the fact, my mother has slowly realized that I got very little attention, positive or negative, after my father died, simply because I didn't "need" it. In my early fifties, forty years after the fact, as I raise my only child, I've slowly realized that you know, it might have been nice to get, say, a dinner out when I got named one of two National Merit finalists at my school,* or just a little praise for consistently getting good grades and not getting in trouble. I realized in a conversation with my younger brother a week ago that he, and most likely all my siblings, had no idea that I was in a pilot accelerated math program, and placed 14th in the state on a contest algebra test in high school.** I had no idea until I found the certificates ten years after the fact. I mean, I must have known, but I'm honestly not sure I even told my mother at the time.

(I am, however, never getting over my mom letting my older brother demand that she stop helping pay for my college halfway through my junior year, because that was when he had flunked out, and she didn't pay when he started at another school three years later.)

But, yeah: when my mom says, "I guess I didn't give you much attention," and all I can say is, "I didn't really need it," I'm really lying. I guarantee that daughter is keenly aware just what her mother's idea of "fair" was.

*And yes, that and $5 will get me a cup of coffee today, but at the time, is was a pretty big deal. My godmother saw it in the paper and sent me flowers.
** And yes, it was just an algebra test, but my self esteem is kind of in the toilet right now, so gimme this one.

[minoanmiss]

i will TOTALLY give you that one. When I made NAtional Merit Scholar my parents paraded me in front of my dad's coworkers and it was hella embarassing but at least they APPRECIATED that I accomplished something. I wish I could give you a slice of that.

(Your brother made your mother ztop paying for you going to college. I want to sell him for barbecue.)

[akamarykate]

I will give you that one as well! It's a hell of an accomplishment and your godmother was on the right track with those flowers.

When I made National Merit, my mom said, "Oh, that's great, honey," and my dad said, "Keep it up." Which was baffling because...it was kind of an endpoint, you know? Or maybe he was thinking of what I'd need to do in college to keep a scholarship--no pressure or anything. No dinners or flowers. I had the impression that their biggest emotion was relief that they wouldn't have to pay my college tuition.

I can't compare it to how they treated any of my 6 younger siblings, because I was the only one who had that particular accomplishment. If they had, though, I would have noticed the differences in reactions and treatment, just like LW's daughter.

[conuly]

(I am, however, never getting over my mom letting my older brother demand that she stop helping pay for my college halfway through my junior year, because that was when he had flunked out, and she didn't pay when he started at another school three years later.)

Please don't ever get over that, it's awful. From both of them.

[gingicat]

OMG your mother (and your brother) deserve a non-contagious rash on their private parts that never goes away. (This exists.)

[lassarina]

Absolutely own that! You earned it!

Achievement deserves recognition, and effort deserves reward. I'm sorry your mother couldn't see that.

(Also may your brother step on a lego and may the milk have always just gone off when he wants a bowl of cereal. "I fucked up and flunked out so you should also punish my sibling who did not"? oh fuck that right in the eye.)

[kiezh]

Her kid is sick and in the hospital! That's an absolute nightmare and you, LW, think that she should take time and emotional energy from this crisis to... cater to your hurt feelings? Dance attendance on you so you feel like a Good Mother who is Involved? I'd point you to the "comfort in, dump out" model but I don't think you can comprehend any model that doesn't put you at the center of the universe.

LW is a horrible person who should shut up and go away and let her daughter's actual existing support network continue the supporting they're already doing, rather than sticking her nose into someone else's misery and trying to make it about her. Good God, the invincible self-absorption of defending her favoritism toward her son to her daughter while said daughter's kid is hospitalized!

And, as other commenters pointed out, there's zero actual worry for the kid in this letter. There is more concern expressed for the feelings of LW's son, a person completely not involved in this situation at all, than for any of the people at the center of it. (WTF is that tangent about the son's shame about not being a breadwinner. W. T. F.)

[castiron]

Gee, I can't imagine why LW's daughter went to her MIL instead of her mother for help when a crisis hit, given that LW's first response is "I will set up a schedule to get you the right help" rather than "okay, what's already happening and how can I help with it?"

Gee, I can't imagine why LW's daughter might claim LW shows favoritism when LW helped out her son with child care and money but left daughter to struggle on her own, and then claimed that she did it because daughter was responsible. (So, the woman is responsible and the man is irresponsible, and the man gets rewarded and the woman doesn't! Way to go, LW! Keep holding up that sexist double standard!)

Gee, I can't why LW's daughter would ever be willing to have these conversations with her mother that Prudie is recommending, even long after grandson's health crisis is resolved or stabilized.

[oursin]

Daughter is 'responsible' and yet, mother knows best and is determined to push in and get her 'the right help', when she seems to have everything under control already, with help of MIL. Er.

[neotoma]

Wow, they missing reasons aren't actually very hidden at all. I too would prefer not to have a parent try to dictate to me during a medical crisis. Help is good, trampling all over someone like a pushy elephant isn't. I bet I can guess what the mother-in-law is actually providing as opposed to the disgruntled LW...

[serriadh]

I’d bet a million dollars that the first time her “responsible daughter” felt she was treated differently to her “free-spirited son” was not actually when they had their own children. That sounds like an entrenched pattern of deciding each one’s personality (probably with a big dose of sexism in the mix) early one and pigeon-holing and treating them differently.

[minoanmiss]

Assigned Responsible At Birth?