agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: My Daughter Turned to Her MIL for Help, Not Me!

I just found out that my grandson was diagnosed with a serious illness and instead of telling me, my daughter went to her mother-in-law first! She’s been coordinating babysitting and hospital transit for them for three weeks before anyone thought to tell me about my own grandson. When I tried to set up a schedule to streamline things and get them the right help, my daughter boxed me out. I was so hurt. She claims I chose her brother over her when the grandkids were babies. But that’s not how it was.

My free-spirited son struggled a lot with becoming a dad (it isn’t a role that plays to his strengths, and he felt a lot of shame around not being the primary breadwinner). My daughter has always been responsible so I knew she would be fine. Because I knew they had different needs, I said yes to different things: child care and financial help for my son, and a more laid-back approach for my daughter because she didn’t need the help. Now, she told me I’m only allowed to come to see them during hospital visiting hours, while her MIL comes to the house, spends tons of time with her, while she ignores my calls and drop-by visits. She’s punishing me for being a fair mom by choosing her MIL over me, and I don’t know how to help her see sense.

A: While your intentions with your son were kind and generous, I wonder how many times your daughter has felt overlooked simply because she wasn’t a squeaky wheel. It’s a hard situation for you to be in, I know, but it’s clear she doesn’t feel the treatment was fair. This is something that you two can work through, but it won’t happen now. Now she’s in crisis mode and she’s trying to help her own son. And pushing the boundary that she’s established won’t do anything to aid the situation. I’d suggest you help when you’re invited to help for now and don’t push the matter. Whatever you do, don’t try to “help her see sense.” It’s going to come off as self-serving and will probably push her further away. When conditions improve and your daughter is in a place to have a conversation, then invite her to talk about the disparity she’s felt in the way you treated her and her brother. But when you do have that conversation, go in ready to hear her experience and accept that while it may not have been your intention, it is the way she felt.

Dear Prudence: My Daughter Turned to Her MIL for Help, Not Me!

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