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agonyaunt2022-06-19 04:40 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-06-19 04:40 am
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Dear Prudence: My Fiancée Is Related to a Notorious Criminal...
She's so sensitive that she attacked my cousin over a joke about it.
I’m engaged to a lovely, kind, sensitive woman, “Adele,” who happens to be related to a notorious but long-dead criminal. All her life Adele has been teased about her last name, and sometimes even ostracized when people find out she’s actually related, even though she and her family naturally condemn this man and his actions. We’ve had to postpone our wedding more than two years because of COVID, so finally making it happen is a huge deal.
At the barbecue where we first introduced our extended families, my 15-year-old cousin “Kim” held up a picture of the criminal on her phone and made a terrible joke, despite my whole family having been warned not to mention him. In response Adele threw a small rock at her, unintentionally hitting her in the face and injuring one of her eyes. In Adele’s defense she did not realize Kim was just 15, and assumed (reasonably, due to her clothing and appearance) that she was at least several years older. Kim’s parents raised holy hell, and Adele has been charged with aggravated battery plus aggravated child abuse, which given her personal trauma has been hugely upsetting for her.
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The District Attorney, who knows my family, has agreed to drop the charges if Kim refuses to testify. My uncle “Rob”—my mom’s sister’s husband and Kim’s father—told us she would do so if Adele apologizes to her and we agree to pay for 100 percent of her medical and cosmetic treatment, which is still uncertain and may run to tens of thousands of dollars. Rob has a good job, and I’m sure excellent family health insurance. Kim is also lamenting that her injury may prevent her from becoming a pilot, which she’d expressed only casual interest in before. Worse, my entire family has rallied around Kim—so in support of Adele and the vows we’ve already taken in spirit, I’ve disinvited them all from our wedding.
In retaliation, Rob is now saying Kim will refuse to testify only if, in addition to their previous demands, I re-invite my side of the family (he, his wife, and Kim will stay away). I might be more inclined to cooperate if Kim was equally remorseful—but neither she nor her parents have apologized in the slightest, maintaining it was “just a stupid joke” and even insinuating Adele is violent due to her “blood.”
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I’m now torn because Adele is pushing hard to just apologize, pay the bills, and re-invite my family. Partly because she is mortified by her loss of temper and the blowup it’s become, and wants to try to repair relations with them; partly because she wants a “nice, normal” wedding with both sides present; but mainly because she is terrified of the slightest possibility of having to spend even a day in prison if Kim testifies against her. Should I go along with this, even though it would (A) cost us a lot of money, and (B) feel like giving my family carte blanche to abuse her—and, by extension, disrespect me—thus failing her at the very start of our marriage? Or should we stand firm, have our wedding without them, and trust that with a good defense attorney, no sane judge will sentence her to prison for reacting to such cruelty as she did?
— Torn Apart
Dear Torn Apart,
You have to go with Adele here. I’m thinking mostly about the amount of stress this situation is putting on her already. She’s nervous about going to jail, she’s feeling pressure from your family, and she just wants a “nice, normal wedding.” Prolonging this by drawing a line in the sand with your family is only going to wear on her. Look, there’s plenty of blame to go around here, and at some point, you do need to talk to your family in a serious manner about their treatment of Adele. However, the fact remains she hit a 15-year-old with a rock. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts. It’s hard to come back from. Mend the fences you can; give Adele the day she’s asking for; and then see about reframing your relationship with your family. I suspect that they will continue to make cruel jokes about her and you will probably need to set a hard boundary in the future. But this situation is so complicated, you’re best served by squelching the conflict before it gets worse.
I’m engaged to a lovely, kind, sensitive woman, “Adele,” who happens to be related to a notorious but long-dead criminal. All her life Adele has been teased about her last name, and sometimes even ostracized when people find out she’s actually related, even though she and her family naturally condemn this man and his actions. We’ve had to postpone our wedding more than two years because of COVID, so finally making it happen is a huge deal.
At the barbecue where we first introduced our extended families, my 15-year-old cousin “Kim” held up a picture of the criminal on her phone and made a terrible joke, despite my whole family having been warned not to mention him. In response Adele threw a small rock at her, unintentionally hitting her in the face and injuring one of her eyes. In Adele’s defense she did not realize Kim was just 15, and assumed (reasonably, due to her clothing and appearance) that she was at least several years older. Kim’s parents raised holy hell, and Adele has been charged with aggravated battery plus aggravated child abuse, which given her personal trauma has been hugely upsetting for her.
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The District Attorney, who knows my family, has agreed to drop the charges if Kim refuses to testify. My uncle “Rob”—my mom’s sister’s husband and Kim’s father—told us she would do so if Adele apologizes to her and we agree to pay for 100 percent of her medical and cosmetic treatment, which is still uncertain and may run to tens of thousands of dollars. Rob has a good job, and I’m sure excellent family health insurance. Kim is also lamenting that her injury may prevent her from becoming a pilot, which she’d expressed only casual interest in before. Worse, my entire family has rallied around Kim—so in support of Adele and the vows we’ve already taken in spirit, I’ve disinvited them all from our wedding.
In retaliation, Rob is now saying Kim will refuse to testify only if, in addition to their previous demands, I re-invite my side of the family (he, his wife, and Kim will stay away). I might be more inclined to cooperate if Kim was equally remorseful—but neither she nor her parents have apologized in the slightest, maintaining it was “just a stupid joke” and even insinuating Adele is violent due to her “blood.”
Advertisement
I’m now torn because Adele is pushing hard to just apologize, pay the bills, and re-invite my family. Partly because she is mortified by her loss of temper and the blowup it’s become, and wants to try to repair relations with them; partly because she wants a “nice, normal” wedding with both sides present; but mainly because she is terrified of the slightest possibility of having to spend even a day in prison if Kim testifies against her. Should I go along with this, even though it would (A) cost us a lot of money, and (B) feel like giving my family carte blanche to abuse her—and, by extension, disrespect me—thus failing her at the very start of our marriage? Or should we stand firm, have our wedding without them, and trust that with a good defense attorney, no sane judge will sentence her to prison for reacting to such cruelty as she did?
— Torn Apart
Dear Torn Apart,
You have to go with Adele here. I’m thinking mostly about the amount of stress this situation is putting on her already. She’s nervous about going to jail, she’s feeling pressure from your family, and she just wants a “nice, normal wedding.” Prolonging this by drawing a line in the sand with your family is only going to wear on her. Look, there’s plenty of blame to go around here, and at some point, you do need to talk to your family in a serious manner about their treatment of Adele. However, the fact remains she hit a 15-year-old with a rock. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts. It’s hard to come back from. Mend the fences you can; give Adele the day she’s asking for; and then see about reframing your relationship with your family. I suspect that they will continue to make cruel jokes about her and you will probably need to set a hard boundary in the future. But this situation is so complicated, you’re best served by squelching the conflict before it gets worse.
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