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agonyaunt2022-05-02 11:31 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-05-02 11:31 am
Entry tags:
How To Do It A Widower's Surprising Second Love
Actual title below cut.
My Wife’s Death Has Led to a Somewhat Shocking Discovery in My Sex Life
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 34-year-old guy who was married for 10 years to a woman I loved very much. She was my high school sweetheart before she was my wife. We had three kids together, and we were very happy. She was killed by a drunk driver four years ago, and I was absolutely devastated and became deeply depressed.
I don’t know what I would have done if not for my friend, “Jack,” stepping up. He has long been probably my best friend. He’s always been a fun “uncle” to our kids, and gets a kick out of spoiling them. He’s spent a lot of time with our family, and is someone I would trust with anything. He would listen when I was upset or pissed or whatever as I was grieving my wife, supported me more than anyone through the awfulness of the legal process to determine what happened to the guy who killed her, and I can’t imagine what I would have done without his day-to-day help with everyday stuff. He helped me transport the kids around to their various activities, fixed a major issue with our house (he’s an electrician who runs his own contracting business) refusing to take anything in return, and has just been a huge emotional support. I feel intense gratitude for everything he’s done for us, and he’s helped me be in a much better place than I was four years ago.
I have realized I think I am developing sexual/romantic feelings for Jack now though, and it has thrown me for a loop. I feel intensely close to him after all his support, he’s so great with my kids, and he’s just such a good guy. Since the COVID-19 pandemic started, he’s been basically living with us to give me a break at times since I’m working from home while trying to do online school for all three of my kids. It’s been such a relief to have him around I can’t even express. I literally don’t see how I could be keeping everything together without him. All of my kids have expressed in various ways that they like “Uncle” Jack living with us. It all feels increasingly domestic, and I feel happier than I’ve been in ages. I find myself feeling intensely jealous and resentful of any hypothetical partner of Jack’s, and increasingly thinking of him as my partner rather than “just” my live-in friend. I think I would be devastated if he got together with someone at this point.
I’d never been attracted to a guy before, so all this has really surprised me. I’ve been unsettled to find myself noticing physical things about Jack, and actively thinking about what it would be like having sex with him. I feel like I am hyper-aware of him in a way that I have only ever felt with girls/women before. The other day I caught myself staring at his hands getting turned on thinking about him touching me. A few times now I’ve also had sexually explicit dreams about Jack. It freaks me out a little because I don’t fully understand what has flipped this switch in my brain. I know Jack has had some experiences with men before (he identifies as “straight but open-minded”), but that he prefers women for relationships, and so maybe he wouldn’t be interested anyway. It’s been pretty clear he cares for me a lot though based on his actions these past few years (he has outright told me he loves me and my kids in way that implies he thinks it should be obvious), he has said things that would plainly imply he thinks I’m good-looking guy, but I really can’t tell if there is anything on Jack’s side besides just deep platonic feelings.
I really don’t know who to talk to about this, as my family is quite conservative evangelical, and I don’t want to talk to a mutual friend (most of my close friends are also friends of Jack). I know my family will flip out and think Jack somehow seduced me into feeling this way. My parents have never liked Jack because they see him as being way too liberal (they are strongly right-wing), he’s gone to BLM protests (my parents are kind of racist), and he’s never settled down in a traditional way (wife, kids, etc). I think Jack drives them kind of crazy because they feel like he should be one of them (he grew up in the rural Deep South like my mom did, he’s a veteran from the same branch my dad served in, etc.), but he’s kind of their polar opposite. Honestly, my parents have been pretty unhappy even about Jack living with me, and have told me repeatedly he’s a “bad role model” for my kids. I have moved pretty far myself from the views I was raised with. Even still, I’m not sure I’m ready to pursue a relationship that has the potential to blow up the most important friendship in my life, will probably make my parents stage an intervention to save me from this “lifestyle,” and may lead to a serious rift between my kids and their grandparents.
I’ve been realizing that Jack just makes me really happy though, and that it makes my kids really happy having him around, and so maybe I should just go for it. I don’t think it would end our friendship for me to talk to Jack about how I feel even if he’s not interested in being more, though I would be pretty down if it fundamentally changed the way he was with me/how close we are, which is a risk, I suppose. I never expected to be having a crisis of sexuality in my mid-30s, and I guess I’m wondering if this actually happens to people? Going through life thinking you’re 100 percent one way, sexually, then realizing maybe there’s that one person who’s the exception? I can honestly say I’ve never had these sorts of feelings towards any other guy before, so do you think I should be more distrustful of what’s motivating them, and their authenticity? I feel like my family is surely going to try to convince me I don’t know my own damn mind if I pursue things with Jack, so I guess I am partly looking for some reassurance that I’m not crazy to take this long to realize I’m maybe a little gay, I guess?
—A Little Gay
Dear A Little Gay,
After all that, I’m swooning, and there is no way on God’s gay Earth that I’m going to dissuade you from pursuing romance with Jack. Duh. You love him, he loves you, and the risk of derailing your friendship by declaring your love is minimal, by your own estimation. If we think about your life as a garden, what you should cultivate (love) and weed out (that which may obstruct love) is clear. Unfortunately for you, that which may obstruct love is your bigoted parents, but fortunately for you, you are a grown man who is not dependent on them in any way that will interfere with your immediate well-being. And furthermore, you’re too old to let your parents dictate your life. I understand their enduring relationship with your children is a concern, and your consideration on this matter speaks highly to your character, but they would ultimately be punishing themselves to hold your decisions against your children. They could also have a change of heart upon learning that their son is in a relationship with another man. Sometimes lived experience melts away abstract bigotry. You know them better than I do, obviously, but it happens.
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All of that seems clear-cut to me. Less obvious is the internal mechanism that has led to this previously unthinkable condition of you perhaps (read: obviously) being in love with another dude. The how of sexuality formation is something we may never completely understand. There are so many variables, so many inextricable factors (nature, for example, is never not nurtured—all biology exists in an environment), so much range within our species. It makes sense that a spectrum ensues. It’s probably more useful to think about your experience not as a switch being flipped by a gradual process that led you to where you are now. It won’t hurt you to ponder whether Jack is the one guy in 7 billion that you were capable of loving and it took you some years to realize it or if something about your closeness allowed that love to happen (keep a journal, write it out, show your work), but what seems true regardless is that you were open enough to allow yourself to feel this love. That level of openness is what I call living right. I think you should trust these feelings as you do your other feelings: Your predispositions and experiences have all led you to where you are right now, and it seems arbitrary to label some as real and others as not. Maybe if your wife’s death were more recent, I’d urge you to tread more lightly so as not to jump into something for the sake of distraction, but it seems like you have a great handle on your situation and have had plenty of time to mourn her death.
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Do people realize things about their sexuality as they mature? I sure as hell hope so. And I hope they keep realizing them. There is certainly documentation of people who previously thought themselves to be straight and then realized they weren’t: About 10 years ago, “later-life lesbians” had their moment in the media sun, following the publication of psychologist Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Less attention and reporting focused on men who understand their sexual fluidity later than what’s typical, but there’s information out there (here’s a recent thread on the subreddit AskGaybrosOver30 that you may find relatable). But even if this weren’t a reported phenomenon, would it make your feelings for this guy any less real? Nope. It wouldn’t. You are who you are, and who you are is someone who caught feelings for a guy you pseudonymously referred to in a letter to an advice column as “Jack.” You know exactly that you need to do, and I couldn’t be happier to tell you to go do it.
My Wife’s Death Has Led to a Somewhat Shocking Discovery in My Sex Life
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 34-year-old guy who was married for 10 years to a woman I loved very much. She was my high school sweetheart before she was my wife. We had three kids together, and we were very happy. She was killed by a drunk driver four years ago, and I was absolutely devastated and became deeply depressed.
I don’t know what I would have done if not for my friend, “Jack,” stepping up. He has long been probably my best friend. He’s always been a fun “uncle” to our kids, and gets a kick out of spoiling them. He’s spent a lot of time with our family, and is someone I would trust with anything. He would listen when I was upset or pissed or whatever as I was grieving my wife, supported me more than anyone through the awfulness of the legal process to determine what happened to the guy who killed her, and I can’t imagine what I would have done without his day-to-day help with everyday stuff. He helped me transport the kids around to their various activities, fixed a major issue with our house (he’s an electrician who runs his own contracting business) refusing to take anything in return, and has just been a huge emotional support. I feel intense gratitude for everything he’s done for us, and he’s helped me be in a much better place than I was four years ago.
I have realized I think I am developing sexual/romantic feelings for Jack now though, and it has thrown me for a loop. I feel intensely close to him after all his support, he’s so great with my kids, and he’s just such a good guy. Since the COVID-19 pandemic started, he’s been basically living with us to give me a break at times since I’m working from home while trying to do online school for all three of my kids. It’s been such a relief to have him around I can’t even express. I literally don’t see how I could be keeping everything together without him. All of my kids have expressed in various ways that they like “Uncle” Jack living with us. It all feels increasingly domestic, and I feel happier than I’ve been in ages. I find myself feeling intensely jealous and resentful of any hypothetical partner of Jack’s, and increasingly thinking of him as my partner rather than “just” my live-in friend. I think I would be devastated if he got together with someone at this point.
I’d never been attracted to a guy before, so all this has really surprised me. I’ve been unsettled to find myself noticing physical things about Jack, and actively thinking about what it would be like having sex with him. I feel like I am hyper-aware of him in a way that I have only ever felt with girls/women before. The other day I caught myself staring at his hands getting turned on thinking about him touching me. A few times now I’ve also had sexually explicit dreams about Jack. It freaks me out a little because I don’t fully understand what has flipped this switch in my brain. I know Jack has had some experiences with men before (he identifies as “straight but open-minded”), but that he prefers women for relationships, and so maybe he wouldn’t be interested anyway. It’s been pretty clear he cares for me a lot though based on his actions these past few years (he has outright told me he loves me and my kids in way that implies he thinks it should be obvious), he has said things that would plainly imply he thinks I’m good-looking guy, but I really can’t tell if there is anything on Jack’s side besides just deep platonic feelings.
I really don’t know who to talk to about this, as my family is quite conservative evangelical, and I don’t want to talk to a mutual friend (most of my close friends are also friends of Jack). I know my family will flip out and think Jack somehow seduced me into feeling this way. My parents have never liked Jack because they see him as being way too liberal (they are strongly right-wing), he’s gone to BLM protests (my parents are kind of racist), and he’s never settled down in a traditional way (wife, kids, etc). I think Jack drives them kind of crazy because they feel like he should be one of them (he grew up in the rural Deep South like my mom did, he’s a veteran from the same branch my dad served in, etc.), but he’s kind of their polar opposite. Honestly, my parents have been pretty unhappy even about Jack living with me, and have told me repeatedly he’s a “bad role model” for my kids. I have moved pretty far myself from the views I was raised with. Even still, I’m not sure I’m ready to pursue a relationship that has the potential to blow up the most important friendship in my life, will probably make my parents stage an intervention to save me from this “lifestyle,” and may lead to a serious rift between my kids and their grandparents.
I’ve been realizing that Jack just makes me really happy though, and that it makes my kids really happy having him around, and so maybe I should just go for it. I don’t think it would end our friendship for me to talk to Jack about how I feel even if he’s not interested in being more, though I would be pretty down if it fundamentally changed the way he was with me/how close we are, which is a risk, I suppose. I never expected to be having a crisis of sexuality in my mid-30s, and I guess I’m wondering if this actually happens to people? Going through life thinking you’re 100 percent one way, sexually, then realizing maybe there’s that one person who’s the exception? I can honestly say I’ve never had these sorts of feelings towards any other guy before, so do you think I should be more distrustful of what’s motivating them, and their authenticity? I feel like my family is surely going to try to convince me I don’t know my own damn mind if I pursue things with Jack, so I guess I am partly looking for some reassurance that I’m not crazy to take this long to realize I’m maybe a little gay, I guess?
—A Little Gay
Dear A Little Gay,
After all that, I’m swooning, and there is no way on God’s gay Earth that I’m going to dissuade you from pursuing romance with Jack. Duh. You love him, he loves you, and the risk of derailing your friendship by declaring your love is minimal, by your own estimation. If we think about your life as a garden, what you should cultivate (love) and weed out (that which may obstruct love) is clear. Unfortunately for you, that which may obstruct love is your bigoted parents, but fortunately for you, you are a grown man who is not dependent on them in any way that will interfere with your immediate well-being. And furthermore, you’re too old to let your parents dictate your life. I understand their enduring relationship with your children is a concern, and your consideration on this matter speaks highly to your character, but they would ultimately be punishing themselves to hold your decisions against your children. They could also have a change of heart upon learning that their son is in a relationship with another man. Sometimes lived experience melts away abstract bigotry. You know them better than I do, obviously, but it happens.
ADVERTISEMENT
All of that seems clear-cut to me. Less obvious is the internal mechanism that has led to this previously unthinkable condition of you perhaps (read: obviously) being in love with another dude. The how of sexuality formation is something we may never completely understand. There are so many variables, so many inextricable factors (nature, for example, is never not nurtured—all biology exists in an environment), so much range within our species. It makes sense that a spectrum ensues. It’s probably more useful to think about your experience not as a switch being flipped by a gradual process that led you to where you are now. It won’t hurt you to ponder whether Jack is the one guy in 7 billion that you were capable of loving and it took you some years to realize it or if something about your closeness allowed that love to happen (keep a journal, write it out, show your work), but what seems true regardless is that you were open enough to allow yourself to feel this love. That level of openness is what I call living right. I think you should trust these feelings as you do your other feelings: Your predispositions and experiences have all led you to where you are right now, and it seems arbitrary to label some as real and others as not. Maybe if your wife’s death were more recent, I’d urge you to tread more lightly so as not to jump into something for the sake of distraction, but it seems like you have a great handle on your situation and have had plenty of time to mourn her death.
ADVERTISEMENT
Do people realize things about their sexuality as they mature? I sure as hell hope so. And I hope they keep realizing them. There is certainly documentation of people who previously thought themselves to be straight and then realized they weren’t: About 10 years ago, “later-life lesbians” had their moment in the media sun, following the publication of psychologist Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Less attention and reporting focused on men who understand their sexual fluidity later than what’s typical, but there’s information out there (here’s a recent thread on the subreddit AskGaybrosOver30 that you may find relatable). But even if this weren’t a reported phenomenon, would it make your feelings for this guy any less real? Nope. It wouldn’t. You are who you are, and who you are is someone who caught feelings for a guy you pseudonymously referred to in a letter to an advice column as “Jack.” You know exactly that you need to do, and I couldn’t be happier to tell you to go do it.
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I desperately wish this were a novel because we can give a novel a happy ending. If I were to add anything to this advice it would be for LW to contact a family lawyer yesterday, as I would bet $5 that his parents will retaliate by accusing Jack of molesting the children and/or by trying to get custody of them.
If I still prayed I'd pray for LW and Jack to live happily ever after (but then one of the reasons I left is that that would be an ironically inappropriate prayer.)
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...I'll be right back.
Right. Where where we? I agree with both the columnist's advice and your addition.
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Someone should email Chuck Tingle. :)
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and I really want to wallow in a series (books, movies, whatev) about their growing relationship and complete HEA.
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But I am crossing fingers that this conversation will go well and that the worst-case scenario is some awkwardness.
As for the parents complaining about Jack as a bad role model, Jack stepped up in a way that none of their Good Christian Right-Thinking(TM) friends and family did. They can stuff it.
I hope that this story will have a happy ending!
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But this is so sweet. I really hope he and Jack get a happy ending with each other!
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