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agonyaunt2021-12-22 01:00 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-12-22 01:00 pm
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Care & Feeding: I Think My Husband’s Constant Demand to Get a Dog Is Sexist
Is this like when people tell women they’ll change their minds about kids?
Dear Care and Feeding,
Let me start by saying I think it’s great that other people have pets. I just don’t want one in my house. I’ve frankly never understood the appeal of having an animal who needs daily care throughout its life, especially if that care is going to involve shedding, excrement, and a smelly house. I’ve always wanted children, but part of what excited me about them was that they grow, learn, and slowly begin to take care of themselves more and more. Now I have a child (a toddler), and I adore him. My husband seems to be of the opinion that every child needs a pet. I don’t agree with that sentiment and have explained why. He seems mostly contented with that for now. But what’s really bothering me is my husband’s seeming insistence on the inevitability that our child will someday wear us (me) down on the issue. Is it really so unreasonable to maintain that we are going to have a pet-free household? Is it possible that this is just a version of people continually telling women that they’re going to change their minds about having kids?
—Pet-Free Please
I chuckled when you said you don’t want the responsibility of picking up an animal’s poop and dealing with a smelly house when that is literally what raising a tiny human is like. Sure, tiny humans grow into not-so-tiny humans eventually, but it certainly isn’t clear sailing from that point. Also, people have been trying to convince other people to do things they aren’t interested in since the beginning of time. Hell, I think I received five calls in the past week from salespeople trying to get me to extend my car’s warranty. It’s nothing new, really.
Not that this matters to you, but I also share the same belief that your husband has about pets, in that every child should grow up with one. There are plenty of animals that don’t shed and make the house smell (my dog is one of them), and if pets were such horrifically annoying creatures, then 70 percent of Americans wouldn’t own them as they currently do now. That’s because the pros far outweigh the cons in terms of pet ownership, and one of the pros is what pets can teach our children. Responsibility and empathy are two of the biggest ones.
In your defense, my wife was very similar to you and offered the same concerns that you had. I kept pushing because I knew my kids wanted a puppy (especially during the pandemic when we were all stuck at home), and I knew it would benefit them. Then I finally struck a deal with her. I said that the kids and I would handle 100 percent of the walks, feedings, vet bills, poop cleanup, etc., and she could just enjoy the fun parts of dog ownership — namely the snuggles and belly rubs. She ended up taking us up on it, and she completely loves our puppy and couldn’t imagine her life without him in it.
You may believe that you’ll never do what my wife did, and that’s fine—but what will happen when your kid gets older, and he wants to have a dog or cat? It will be two votes against one— so consider the feelings of everyone in your household. Like I said earlier, I think a fair deal would be to have your husband and son handle everything pet-related. The healthiest families I know are the ones who believe in compromise.
—Doyin
Dear Care and Feeding,
Let me start by saying I think it’s great that other people have pets. I just don’t want one in my house. I’ve frankly never understood the appeal of having an animal who needs daily care throughout its life, especially if that care is going to involve shedding, excrement, and a smelly house. I’ve always wanted children, but part of what excited me about them was that they grow, learn, and slowly begin to take care of themselves more and more. Now I have a child (a toddler), and I adore him. My husband seems to be of the opinion that every child needs a pet. I don’t agree with that sentiment and have explained why. He seems mostly contented with that for now. But what’s really bothering me is my husband’s seeming insistence on the inevitability that our child will someday wear us (me) down on the issue. Is it really so unreasonable to maintain that we are going to have a pet-free household? Is it possible that this is just a version of people continually telling women that they’re going to change their minds about having kids?
—Pet-Free Please
I chuckled when you said you don’t want the responsibility of picking up an animal’s poop and dealing with a smelly house when that is literally what raising a tiny human is like. Sure, tiny humans grow into not-so-tiny humans eventually, but it certainly isn’t clear sailing from that point. Also, people have been trying to convince other people to do things they aren’t interested in since the beginning of time. Hell, I think I received five calls in the past week from salespeople trying to get me to extend my car’s warranty. It’s nothing new, really.
Not that this matters to you, but I also share the same belief that your husband has about pets, in that every child should grow up with one. There are plenty of animals that don’t shed and make the house smell (my dog is one of them), and if pets were such horrifically annoying creatures, then 70 percent of Americans wouldn’t own them as they currently do now. That’s because the pros far outweigh the cons in terms of pet ownership, and one of the pros is what pets can teach our children. Responsibility and empathy are two of the biggest ones.
In your defense, my wife was very similar to you and offered the same concerns that you had. I kept pushing because I knew my kids wanted a puppy (especially during the pandemic when we were all stuck at home), and I knew it would benefit them. Then I finally struck a deal with her. I said that the kids and I would handle 100 percent of the walks, feedings, vet bills, poop cleanup, etc., and she could just enjoy the fun parts of dog ownership — namely the snuggles and belly rubs. She ended up taking us up on it, and she completely loves our puppy and couldn’t imagine her life without him in it.
You may believe that you’ll never do what my wife did, and that’s fine—but what will happen when your kid gets older, and he wants to have a dog or cat? It will be two votes against one— so consider the feelings of everyone in your household. Like I said earlier, I think a fair deal would be to have your husband and son handle everything pet-related. The healthiest families I know are the ones who believe in compromise.
—Doyin
no subject
what will happen when your kid gets older, and he wants to have a dog or cat? It will be two votes against one
For one thing, husbando wants a dog, so if kiddo wants a cat it will be 1 vs 1 vs 1. Not 2 vs 1.
For another thing, pet ownership is not a democracy and every adult in the household has the right to unilaterally hard no the addition of a new household member. Like a dog.
For ANOTHER another thing, if husbando were so dead set of having a dog he should have married a dog person.
(I have yes cats and reptiles no dogs in my dating profile. The only exception I would make would be if a household member came to need a service dog after we were already committed, and even then it would have to be a comes already trained service dog. I don't date people who have or want dogs, including service dogs, period. Because I don't like dogs and I don't want to live with them.)
no subject
Love my cats, never want to live under the same roof as a dog — not because I’m a dog-hater (I like my friends’ dogs if they’re well-behaved/trained), but I don’t want all the lifestyle adjustments required to properly care for a dog, I’m disabled and can’t walk a dog regularly, and I got attacked by one as a child and am always hypervigilant around them, and want to be able to relax in my own home.
LW has an entirely reasonable boundary, and this is shitty advice. We all know who would wind up taking care of the dog, in the end.
(I don’t date people for whom dog ownership is a dealbreaker, unless it’s clear that we will never live together.)
no subject
Yeah. I wish I could say that "people with an old software ok as long as it's the last dog we have" but it's never "the last dog we have". Dog people are always going to want dog, and I'd rather not set myself up for the very real possibility of coming home to find Partner got a puppy expecting I'd come around one I met it.
I've cared for upwards of 60-70+ puppies in my day and I am completely Dogged Out.
(Visiting someone with a well behaved dog is fine, because I pet the dog once or twice and then leave it behind when I go home. Which is about as much dog as I want in my life per year.)
no subject
Neither the columnist nor the father care what the child actually wants. The child is a stand-in, a way to express the father's desires. The advantage of expressing them that way is that you can't argue with a child who can't talk. ("We have to spend the weekend with my parents because the baby would be so disappointed to miss Christmas with Grandma and all the cousins.") It's even harder to argue with a child who doesn't exist yet, this child of 2027 whose father says will love dogs and share his father's desires and not care about his mother's feelings at all.
no subject
This exactly.
The entire letter is about husbando wanting a dog. Edit: for himself. Which 80/20 odds he will let his wife take primary care of.