Dear Prudence: My Brother-in-Law Is Secretly Sleeping With a Married Couple for Cash

[ermingarden]

Dear Prudence,

My brother-in-law disclosed to me that he had multiple sexual encounters with a married couple in exchange for money. He and my sister are struggling financially, and when he first mentioned that he was propositioned, I urged him to decline the offer because no good would come of it. That was about a year ago; then recently he said he gave in (at least twice, I guess) because they needed the cash. However, he has not told my sister. I am upset that he thought it OK to engage in an affair like this and upset that he disclosed this to me and expects me to keep it from my sister. They have two young children, and I know if I said anything to my sister, their family would implode. Keeping it from her also feels bad because if she were ever to find out that I knew, it would destroy my relationship with her.

—No Good Options

Dear No Good Options,

Why would he tell you this? Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your sister. Perhaps she can tell him to stop? Or she can know how hard he’s working to support the family? I really have no idea. But you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to keep this secret. Tell your sister, and she can decide whether or not her family implodes over it. This is a much better scenario than risking your relationship with her by hiding what you know.

Comments

Re: See? Word Girl applies!

[cereta]

I absolutely don't disagree that his doing so without telling his wife was wrong on pretty much all levels. I actually have very strong feelings about adultery (the lying part, not the sex part, and thus not to be confused with polyamory) absent coercion, and frequently curse the Courtly Love tradition for making it seem romantic.

I'm just really ooged out by how the LW and to a lesser extent Prudie are constructing this as a...recreational? sexual relationship whose only ethical issue is sex outside marriage, without mentioning even the possibility that this couple is exploiting the BiL's dire financial straits (which include supporting two young children) to persuade him to do something he didn't want to do. I mean, maybe he's enthusiastically participating, but if, as you say, he's being honest about things at all, including number of transactions and timing of at least one, it does vibe more like his reasons are financial, specifically pretty dire financial straits. Perhaps I am engaging in the very stereotyping I am decrying, but I would have expected him to have done it more than twice if it was because he wanted/enjoyed it. I know, I know: guilt, conflicted feelings about fidelity, sex, and sexuality, used the money as an excuse. I'm Catholic; I know the narrative. And maybe it's just some recently serious examination of my own views of prostitution (long story short: I'm a lot less convinced that it can be benign under the "right" circumstances), but, well, it bugs me.

Re: See? Word Girl applies!

[ermingarden]

I do think the framing has to do in large part with the LW's situation: The question isn't really "Is BIL's behavior ethical?", it's "Should I tell my sister about this?", and the answer to that is yes regardless.

But I agree with you that the couple's behavior is potentially really, really skeevy, especially depending on how much they know about BIL's financial situation – and especially because it sounds like BIL may have turned them down the first time they asked. And it might have been good for Prudie to push back a little on the "affair" framing.

Re: See? Word Girl applies!

[cereta]

I can see that for Prudie, who is, ahem, prudently answering the question that was asked and not really getting into the narrative the LW has constructed about the situation. I'm much less okay with the LW themself and the narrative they've constructed.