Dear Carolyn: My son's in-laws help him financially. Is this generation spoiled or what?

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: My kids are 30, 28 and 25. All of them are out of college and on their own. We paid their tuitions, but room and board was on them, so they had some student loans.

My oldest son got married two years ago, and her family is helping them out a lot, even though they both have professional jobs. When her grandmother died, her parents paid off all their student loans. They also handed down an almost brand-new car because nobody else in the family wanted it. He just told me they are all taking a weeklong vacation out of the country next Christmas, hosted by his in-laws.

This level of support makes me uncomfortable. What ever happened to adults being adults and paying their own way? I brought this up to my best friend, and she said that as long as the parents could afford it and wanted to be generous, what’s the problem? It stumped me for a bit.

I know this isn’t directly my business. But it makes me uncomfortable that my son has so much of his life taken care of by other people when he is 30 with an education and a job. Do I need to just accept that this generation’s adults are not really adults?

Helping Adult Children

Helping Adult Children: Really? One windfall and an entire generation earns your contempt? Wow.

By my count, at least two of the three financial boosts your son got are one-off opportunities: the student-loan-erasing inheritance and the hand-me-down car. I’m with your best friend on these. They could do it, so why not?

And while your son is an individual, not a stand-in for an entire generation — if I assume correctly that you’re a baby boomer, then you really don’t want to go there — the fact that your kids’ cohort is staggering under education debt unlike any generation prior makes his in-laws look like guardian angels.

As for the trip, I see why you’d balk. Their making a tradition of it would cut you out of Christmases with your son; their shifting these trips around the calendar would make your turns to host this couple seem plain by comparison; their chewing up his vacation days with irresistible opportunities would leave fewer days for you. These are valid concerns of many.

But I can — and do, in many other letters — also see that grown families tend to be scattered, tightly scheduled and financially taxed, especially the young adults. One way people counteract these family-dividing forces is to plan and (where possible) underwrite all-family trips. It’s a luxury, yes, but a loving and unifying one. I’ll offer it to my kids if I’m able, and if their gratitude meters aren’t broken. And I’ll do it without fear of stunting them because the other 51 weeks of the year will still be theirs to navigate, bankroll and plan.

So please ask yourself, are your in-laws spoiling this couple, or just making their climb less steep? Does that hurt them? Does it hurt you? Think hard on the last one. The in-laws as (or seeming like) “party parents” while you hold a firm line can feel a lot like a rebuke. Absent signs of spoilage, though, consider not seeing it as personal — and be glad they’ve welcomed your kid.


*Hey, it gives me anxiety.

Comments

[recessional]

I just keep thinking there is profound emotional . . . weirdness/wrongness/truncatedness here. To be fair I find that often with people, but, like.

Does the state of the LW's son not . . .affect them? Like does his happiness not make them happy? Does his stress not stress them out? Do they have no kind of caring sympathy?

Like why would you NOT take a financial burden (or any other kind, but those are usually the ones that someone else CAN do anything about) off someone you loved if you could? Would this not make YOU feel better? The LW even outright says that the in-laws passed the car down because NOBODY ELSE WANTED IT - what, should they have given it to a stranger? sold it for second-hand money they clearly didn't care that much about?

Like . . . what? It's very difficult to make LW's stance make sense for anything other than a) an asshole, or b) someone who is so screwed up in terms of emotional issues about worth and money and "independence" that it's making them ACT like an asshole even if they mean well.

Humans. Wtf.

[sathari]

AAAAAUUUUUUGH, YES, THIS. Your above comment, and also this!

(And also echoing watersword: I am so glad you wrote these comments so I don't have to.

About the only thing I could add is, is LW afraid that the in-laws' generosity will make their son like the in-laws better or something? Because... well, as you said, LW sounds like either an asshole, or someone whose perceptions and cognitions around money and value and "independence" are messed up that they act that way without meaning to.

[recessional]

It's like. There is a valid level to be concerned about an adult child's comparative inability to manage their own life etc etc. But it's not like this guy - from the sound of it - is drowning in credit-card debt and doesn't keep his house clean and can't get a job and is genuinely living on handouts that reinforce his learned helplessness! So we are not at that level! So why the hell are you OBJECTING to your child being granted happiness?

HUMANS.

[watersword]

I know -- it's such a perfect mimicry of the dumbass thinkpiece about The Millennials Why Don't They Own Cars And Houses By Twenty-Five that I honestly can't quite believe it's not a troll. And yet.

There has GOT to be something missing from this story.