Miss Manners: My partner’s daughter took all the best Thanksgiving leftovers

[ermingarden]

(Not, strictly speaking, a follow-up to this letter, but certainly on the same theme.)

Dear Miss Manners: I spent two days cooking a flawless Thanksgiving dinner for immediate family (because of coronavirus restrictions). It was just us, my partner's daughter and her family (husband, toddler and mother-in-law). That's it.

The guests were assigned to either bring a pie and/or wine. That was their only contribution. After the meal was over, my partner's daughter got up from the table and opened a large backpack, which I had assumed was for the toddler's things.

Nope. It was full of food containers. She asked whether I wanted any leftovers, to which I said, "Yes, of course."

She then proceeded to take all the best cuts of the turkey, all the trimmings and side dishes, the stuffing that was in the bird (the best part) and even 90 percent of the leftover desserts: a pie she brought, a pecan pie I provided and a cake her mother-in-law made. She left us one piece of pecan and two small pieces of pumpkin.

I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't speak. I thought the Grinch Who Stole Christmas had arrived early. She just packed it all up and left.

I still cannot get over it. I am angry, resentful and more than annoyed. It is not that I wouldn't have offered her some leftovers. Of course I would have. But she just marched in as if they were hers.

Her father said nothing, and I know better than to broach the subject with him. Not wise.

Am I being too sensitive? I thought it was just about the rudest, most entitled and most disrespectful behavior I had ever witnessed, and I took it entirely personally, as an affront toward me and my position in the family. I am not her meal cooker or servant. I lost all respect for her. What would you suggest I do?

Serve plated food at Christmas, accepting no contributions from others.

Of course it was rude and crass, but so many people are doing this that you should not take it personally. Miss Manners has speculated on the possible reasons:

1. So many meals (not just holiday feasts) are now cooperative that those who bring food are sharing the duties of the host — and claiming the privileges.

2. The habit of eating in restaurants, where diners may take home the leftover food for which they have paid, has unfortunately been extended to private dinners.

3. Adult children may feel as if a parent’s home is still their own, which includes raiding the refrigerator.

4. Rampant greed is everywhere, and people are grabbing whatever they can get away with taking.

Comments

[cimorene]

Well, one feels for anyone who is too flabbergasted to speak up and prevent someone being rude in general, or stealing their food in particular.

But on the other hand, the real answer to the first half of this letter starts with talking to your partner, so once again we have a case of buried lede. Anytime at all a letter contains "I know better than to broach the subject [that has had me upset for days, so much so that I wrote to an advice columnist] with [my partner]. Not wise" is actually about a dysfunctional partner relationship. That's her real problem.

[movingfinger]

Always pack those takeaway leftovers for your guests yourself, lady!

[shirou]

I cannot comment on the practice of taking home leftovers from someone else's house. The concept is foreign to me and frankly seems outrageous, but that doesn't mean it isn't acceptable in some contexts.

However, this letter isn't really about leftovers. It's about communication. LW, you can talk to your partner, you can talk to his daughter, or you can remain silent, angry, and resentful. Up to you.

[likeaduck]

IIRC Miss Manners's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior prohibits setting a filled plate before a guest, so that can't be what's meant by "serve plated food": rather I must assume that she means to arrange the portion of food estimated to be needed on platters to be served around the table, and keep whatever's presumed to be left-over back out of the view of guests until and unless needed.

[naath]

It's not... a thing I'd do, although I have had leftovers forced on me more than once. I'd read that as her (and the *child*) being hungry, so hungry she is prepared to be rude. Make huge meals, press leftover on her, buy her grocery vouchers.

[tielan]

As someone whose family does leftovers (and how!), when leftovers loom the presumed ettiquette is to ask how much you can take (ie. how much does the host want to keep). If it's the best bits that they want to keep, well, that's sad but you're a guest. So taking the best bits? Uh. No.

That said, I agree with everyone saying there's a communication problem between LW and partner and stepdaughter.