Dear Care & Feeding: Christmas Gift Power Struggle

[minoanmiss]

I have a 2 ½–year-old and a 1-year-old. This year, we’re spending Christmas at my in-laws for the first time, which is lovely as both my kids adore their grandparents. The problem is that my mother-in-law refuses to tell me what she plans to get them for Christmas.

There’s an ongoing issue where she thinks I’m a killjoy, and I think she disrespects my parenting decisions. It’s my right to know what gifts my toddlers receive and have veto power, right?? I asked her what they were getting, and when she refused to tell me I asked why she wouldn’t tell me, and she just walked away. So now I’m worried about ruining Christmas because there are things that I don’t want my kids having (a sandbox, an iPad or tablet, etc.). I’m baffled as to what to do next.

—Battle of the Gifts


Dear Battle,

Ah yes … turning the giving of gifts into an opportunity to remind your daughter-in-law that she’s a joyless nag whose authority you don’t respect—the spirit of Christmas!

I’m so sorry. Everyone has their own parenting rules and philosophies, and sometimes these can be especially hard to translate across the generations. I think you need to enlist your husband in this struggle because yes, it is your right as the parent of such small children to determine what is appropriate for them. If you say no guns and no screens, and your mother-in-law gives them iPads and assault rifles, she is feigning generosity while she acts out some weird, misplaced aggression.

If your mother-in-law still maintains that it’s her right to surprise her grandkids with whatever she wants, you’ll have little choice but to repossess any forbidden gifts. I wouldn’t worry about this making you the bad guy; your kids are young enough that they’re easily fooled. And maybe this will show your mother-in-law that you’re serious about raising your children according to your rules. Good luck!

Comments

[minoanmiss]

*rolls my eyes at both of them*

On the one hand, yes, parents should know what their children are going to be given. MIL is being ridiculous.

On the other hand, how likely is it that MIL is going to give them assault rifles? DIL is being overbearing.

Not to sound like Miss Manners, but I think there is something to be said for accepting a gift, any[1] gift, gracefully and with gratitude, and then later making it disappear if need be. I definitely think this is better than throwing a gift back in someone's face.

[1] Obvious exception for insulting gifts, such as in the letter where the LW's family kept giving him misgendering gifts. But LW hasn't given us any indication that MIL is likely to give a gift like that.

[lemonsharks]

I think it's more likely that MIL plans to give:

• an unreasonable volume of toys
• toys lw disapproves of like fighting toys/toy guns/military dress-up/food sets that include pretend meat (ie some vegan parents)
• Things contradictory to LW's parenting philosophy (ie a leappad and accountrements or kids branded tv (remember those?) for a Montessori parent)
• Age-inappropriate or breakable things (ie an ipad pro, Barbies or Legos with choking hazard parts; LW may have rejected stuffies/teddies when the kids were infants/newborns, as they're no longer recommend for the littlest babies?)
• Properties LW doesn't support (ie Hasbro [because sweatshops], Disney [because sweatshops and also Disney), kids' Kindle fire (because Amazon))
• Media LW doesn't want her kids exposed to, whether that's on the Christianist propaganda end or leftist end of the spectrum, or she just wants to skip having her kids shriek-singing "Let It Go" for as long as she can
• Toys that make noise or musical instruments without age appropriate lessons
• Weirdly sexualizing kid clothes (like these that MIL thinks are cute/funny)

All of which are reasonable DNWs for LW to have but would also add to the dynamic LW and MIL have going. However, the actual issue here is Where The Fuck Is LW's Partner And Why Aren't They Taking Point With Their Mom???

[minoanmiss]

Oh, quite likely. I forget at the moment who suggested the LW supply categories to avoid, but I also think, especially with such little kids, that any gift can be quietly vanished when they're asleep. I think the odds of the vegan toddler insisting on sleeping with the plastic T-bone every night are fairly small. (But not zero, because rule of funny.)

And yes, where is the living link between these two women and why hasn't he[1] stepped up to say something?

[1] playing the odds...

[likeaduck]

Vegan toddler can't let go of plastic T-bone is my favourite mental image today.