Dear Care & Feeding: Christmas Gift Power Struggle

[minoanmiss]

I have a 2 ½–year-old and a 1-year-old. This year, we’re spending Christmas at my in-laws for the first time, which is lovely as both my kids adore their grandparents. The problem is that my mother-in-law refuses to tell me what she plans to get them for Christmas.

There’s an ongoing issue where she thinks I’m a killjoy, and I think she disrespects my parenting decisions. It’s my right to know what gifts my toddlers receive and have veto power, right?? I asked her what they were getting, and when she refused to tell me I asked why she wouldn’t tell me, and she just walked away. So now I’m worried about ruining Christmas because there are things that I don’t want my kids having (a sandbox, an iPad or tablet, etc.). I’m baffled as to what to do next.

—Battle of the Gifts


Dear Battle,

Ah yes … turning the giving of gifts into an opportunity to remind your daughter-in-law that she’s a joyless nag whose authority you don’t respect—the spirit of Christmas!

I’m so sorry. Everyone has their own parenting rules and philosophies, and sometimes these can be especially hard to translate across the generations. I think you need to enlist your husband in this struggle because yes, it is your right as the parent of such small children to determine what is appropriate for them. If you say no guns and no screens, and your mother-in-law gives them iPads and assault rifles, she is feigning generosity while she acts out some weird, misplaced aggression.

If your mother-in-law still maintains that it’s her right to surprise her grandkids with whatever she wants, you’ll have little choice but to repossess any forbidden gifts. I wouldn’t worry about this making you the bad guy; your kids are young enough that they’re easily fooled. And maybe this will show your mother-in-law that you’re serious about raising your children according to your rules. Good luck!

Comments

[lemonsharks]

I mean, possibly she is planning to get you a sandbox and a pile of AK-47s, and will do so no matter what you say, because she thinks that's an effective way of registering her opinion of your parenting style. But in that case nothing you say to her is going to result in you getting gifts you actually want.

I'm thinking it's more likely Barbies/Legos with choking hazard pieces, toy guns, age appropriate but LOUD toys, and/or weirdly sexualizing childrens' clothing that MIL thinks is cute/funny for some reason.

If MIL is my mom's age, half the toys she and grandma got me as a toddler with no issues are either frowned on or flat out banned. Ah, choking hazard Polly pocket and eye injury causing strangulation hazard Skydancers, how I miss you.

Your solutions, however, are chef's kiss excellent

[melannen]

I had a great-aunt who thought ceramic figurines and battery-operated dolls that cried *just like a real baby* were good toddler gifts. My parents got a lot of mileage out of "we'll save this to play with later" and "let's take out the batteries now so we don't waste them, we can put them back in later when you really need them*"

*Never

[resonant]

My parents got a lot of mileage out of "we'll save this to play with later" and "let's take out the batteries now so we don't waste them, we can put them back in later when you really need them*"

And the advantage of doing it that way is that it doesn't give the MIL the opportunity to set up a power struggle where you argue with her about what your own children are allowed to do in your own house.

When Dr. Spock tells parents they need to have an air of cheerful assurance, that's not just useful in dealing with preschoolers -- it's also useful in dealing with other adults. You don't even need to say "I get final veto over what comes into my house." You just do it.

[melannen]

Yeah, and it's also, like, kinder? Aunt Lucille wasn't trying to engage in a power struggle - she just had no idea about kids. What would have been the point of attempting to force her to give us something else? It wasn't like a great tragedy that a five-year-old got a creepy clown figurine that they would never see again, my parents got to model how to graciously handle things like that for their kids, and it made Aunt Lucy happy.

If Grandma is going to be a huge part of the kids' lives you should definitely put in the relationship-building work to teach her the kinds of gifts that work, but if you see her once a year at Christmas, then take the chance to teach the kids that gifts are sometimes more about making the giver happy.