Dear Care & Feeding: Christmas Gift Power Struggle

[minoanmiss]

I have a 2 ½–year-old and a 1-year-old. This year, we’re spending Christmas at my in-laws for the first time, which is lovely as both my kids adore their grandparents. The problem is that my mother-in-law refuses to tell me what she plans to get them for Christmas.

There’s an ongoing issue where she thinks I’m a killjoy, and I think she disrespects my parenting decisions. It’s my right to know what gifts my toddlers receive and have veto power, right?? I asked her what they were getting, and when she refused to tell me I asked why she wouldn’t tell me, and she just walked away. So now I’m worried about ruining Christmas because there are things that I don’t want my kids having (a sandbox, an iPad or tablet, etc.). I’m baffled as to what to do next.

—Battle of the Gifts


Dear Battle,

Ah yes … turning the giving of gifts into an opportunity to remind your daughter-in-law that she’s a joyless nag whose authority you don’t respect—the spirit of Christmas!

I’m so sorry. Everyone has their own parenting rules and philosophies, and sometimes these can be especially hard to translate across the generations. I think you need to enlist your husband in this struggle because yes, it is your right as the parent of such small children to determine what is appropriate for them. If you say no guns and no screens, and your mother-in-law gives them iPads and assault rifles, she is feigning generosity while she acts out some weird, misplaced aggression.

If your mother-in-law still maintains that it’s her right to surprise her grandkids with whatever she wants, you’ll have little choice but to repossess any forbidden gifts. I wouldn’t worry about this making you the bad guy; your kids are young enough that they’re easily fooled. And maybe this will show your mother-in-law that you’re serious about raising your children according to your rules. Good luck!

Comments

[redbird]

I think there's room for a parent asking someone else not to give their child specific things, or kinds of things. I suspect that a more specific request, even if it's as broad as "no tablets or ipods, and nothing really messy unless it's going to be kept at your house for when they visit" might have gone over better than "please tell me exactly what you're giving the kids so I can decide if it's appropriate.

Though if it's gotten to "she thinks I'm a killjoy and I think she doesn't respect my parenting decisions" that's larger than Christmas gifts. And where is the children's father in all this?

[goljerp]

My wife and I had a very simple request: no screens and nothing that needed batteries. (No, we're not luddites. Our son got screens... eventually.)

[lemonsharks]

In the unlikely event that I have a kid it's going to be "nothing that makes high pitched noise and no musical instruments without at least a year of age appropriate lessons included". Because sensory hell.

(Sensory hell is a huge part of the reason I'm almost definitely not having a kid.)

[goljerp]

Ooh, yeah. The 'no batteries' thing was to try to reduce the noise factor in our small apartment. There are a lot of toys nowadays which do lots of noise, and kids like repetition. There are lots of quiet toys out there, and of course kids did fine 100 years ago.