Dear Prudence: I found my ex's cash stash

[minoanmiss]

I just got out of a financial and romantic wreck. My boyfriend moved his mistress into my guest bedroom, telling me she was a co-worker who “needed a place to stay.” During this time, he sideswiped a fence while driving my car (his had stopped running), causing $2,000 in damage. When I found out the truth, I kicked them both out; she stole some clothing and electronics from me before leaving town. My ex refused to pay for the damage to my car and called me last week, accusing me of taking more than $10,000 in cash that his parents had given him to buy a new car. I told him he was out of his mind and hung up.

He also left a lousy old couch at my place and refused to come pick it up. I asked him if he was ever going to haul it away, and he told me to throw it out. While I was pushing it out to the curb, I found an envelope full of cash under one of the cushions. I haven’t told anyone what I found. I heard from mutual friends that my ex now thinks his other girlfriend stole the money. Part of me wants to wait a few months, then use the cash to fix my car and celebrate. I think that would be fair, given the pain and suffering they put me through—and they actually owe me more than that for the food and shelter I was conned into giving them. I really don’t want to have any further contact with him. The only thing giving me pause is that it is technically his parents’ money and they were always kind to me. I used to consider myself a kind and generous person, but all of this has made me very cynical. I can’t tell anyone I know about the money, so I am asking you.

—

This is the setup to an amazing O. Henry story, or at the very least a mid-career Carrie Underwood music video, but it’s probably a lot less fun when it’s your real life and you have to deal with the prospect of either dealing with your awful ex or feeling guilty whenever you think about his parents. I think the best option is for you to contact his parents directly, tell them that you found the money when you were getting rid of some of his things, and return it to them directly. You can attempt to collect the money your boyfriend owes you either through your insurance company or small claims court, which will take more time and energy than just taking the $2,000 directly out of the envelope you found. Part of me wishes I could tell you to keep the money as payment for services rendered, but (and we both knew this was coming) this isn’t just your ex’s money. It’s his parents’, and I think you would find it hard to live with yourself if you thought of the anguish they might have experienced to think the $10,000 they set aside for their son to buy a replacement car is gone, even if their son is an unmitigated creep and coward.

If nothing else, think of how awful it would feel to lose the moral high ground if your ex ever learned that you’d found his money and took you to court over it. He sounds exactly like the kind of guy who’d do that.

Comments

[fox]

Call the parents, tell them the ex left behind the $10k and you understand it was from them, so you're happy to return it to them so they can get it back to him if they want (because you don't know where he is now, he's not your boyfriend anymore), and mention that before he left he damaged your car? Will they tell you to only return them $8k?

Also, though, $10k in cash to buy a new car? CASH?!

[starfleetbrat]

I love that everyone believes this dude when he says the cash is from his parents. He lied about the mistress, he lied about crashing the car, but -this- he is telling the truth about. Sure. For all anyone knows he stole it from the parents.

Also, even it wasn't the parent's money, it doesn't mean LW can keep it, as depending on where you live there might be a "theft by finding" law.

[jadelennox]

I'd contact a lawyer, personally. I don't believe that the money was a gift from his parents', and I have two questions:

1. Is it legally now LW's money wherever she lives, given the conversation she had with the ex about the couch?
2. If the money is ill-gotten gains, does she have to do something to make sure she isn't liable, whether she keeps the money or turns it over to the parents?

I suspect that would vary massively by state, and I'd want a lawyer's advice before I went further. And I disagree that she has an ethical obligation to turn it over to the parents. Again, even assuming he's telling the truth that they gave it to him (big if!), is she any more liable to the parents for the ex's carelessness than they are to the LW for their dick son's theft and car damages? I would argue not.

[sara]

Call the parents and discuss the situation with them.

And there's a third option, which is that bad debts can be taken off your taxes. You don't recover the full amount but it's better than nothing.

The problem with small claims court is that once you get a judgement you have to collect the money from the person who owes you. When I had one I ended up selling the judgement to a collection agency and I got back about forty percent of what I was owed. By the time I was done, counting my time it would have been better to take the tax break.

Usually, getting the crapsack out of your life is worth whatever it will cost you.

[lavendertook]

What I’m afraid of is that when she contacts the parents, now that she isn’t with their precious boy, she’ll find out where he learned his awful behavior toward people in how they treat her over this exchange. I hope she doesn’t get pushed into further disillusionment. So getting legal advice and some legal representation first might be a good idea before contacting the parents. Also, if they gifted their son the money it is not technically theirs--it is his money, so she needs legal advice on giving it to them as well I would think.

Another thought, because I am fully down the path of jadedness, something about her story doesn't sit right. The kind of person who would move in a second gf with a false cover story, wreck her car without paying, leave his first gf with a crummy heavy couch to move, and accuse everyone around him of stealing his money, is not the kind of person to quickly move out when upset, cheated on gf LW wants him and his new gf out. It is not that easy to kick someone out, let alone 2 people out if they want to be crappy about it once you invite them in. I don’t think most if any PD’s help with that. So I dunno about this scenario.

[movingfinger]

It's not the ex's parents' money. It was given to the ex, at which point it became the ex's money. He left it there.

LW should get receipts when she gets her car repaired and replaces her stolen items and return any leftover cash with copies in the envelope. But maybe spending some of it on an hour of a lawyer's time first would be wise.

[likeaduck]

This is so obviously Danny for the weird O. Henry/Carrie Underwood reference and clear glee in making it. #knowyourprudies