agonyaunt | Stuck in the Suburbs (Dear Prudence)

Stuck in the Suburbs (Dear Prudence)

Q. Stuck in the suburbs: My husband is a good man and I love him. He loves me unconditionally, he supports my goals, and he’s always compassionate to others. But he’s neurodiverse and that makes things difficult for me. When we first got together, he masked so well I had no idea until we left our hometown. I realized his neurodiversity impacted his ability to function. I thought once we got married, he’d be on my insurance and go to the doctor. He’s had issues with every health professional so far. He self-medicates, which helps some, but it’s not enough. I feel like I’m the only adult in the relationship. It’s hard to talk to him about these things because then he feels ashamed. I’ve noticed that all of his neurodiverse quirks tend to be my pet peeves. I feel like I’m obligated to help him because he left our hometown to follow my career. He can’t go back because it’s not a legalized state. I work full-time and am a graduate student. He’s a homemaker but his neurodiversity prevents him from keeping up with the home. I feel like my life is a mess. I don’t enjoy things anymore. I feel like I’m taking care of a child. I also feel like a bad person for feeling this way. I’m doing my best but it’s all getting to me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

A: I don’t want to scold or shame you, but I think you made a classic mistake: marrying someone with the hope or expectation that they would change. Beyond that, your letter leaves some big, important questions unanswered: How does your husband feel about being neurodiverse? What is his relationship to his quirks? Does he have a problem with them, or is he comfortable and happy the way he is? Does he have an issue with the way traditional medications make him feel? Basically: Does he want to change, or is the desire for change mostly coming from you?

If you’re the only one who’s really bothered and wants him to behave differently—or even if you simply care a lot more than he does—you might have to face the fact that you married someone whose behavior you really don’t like. This will likely lead to the end of the marriage and require you to support him as he gets on his feet. If he wants to get help—either because his quirks bother him a lot, too, or because he feels neutral about them and wants to stay happily married to you—you should let him know how urgent it is that he commit to working with a health professional and dedicate himself to his treatment.

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This is truly one of those Dear Prudence letters which leaves me going "Come back Emily Yoffe, all is forgiven." And I loathed Yoffe with the hatred of a thousand fiery suns.

What a useless, victim-blaming answer. As far as Prudie is concerned there are three people in this marriage: the husband, his "quirks" and the OP, and OP is right at the bottom of the heap when it comes to help or support.

Yeah pretty much my reaction to this was "Wow, the new Prudence sucks."

I mean, there isn't even any attempt to probe what either OP or the husband mean by "neurodiverse" and the bit about "he masked so well I had no idea until we left our hometown" suggests that the issues have manifested recently. If I were answering the letter I'd be asking for a lot more detail -- a broad label which covers a whole spectrum of possible conditions isn't a get out adulting for life card.

I had the same thought. The pandemic is forcing people into the kind of isolation suited for no one.

That said, I was faintly impressed withe Prudie not only mentioning ending the marriage, but doing so without jumping through have a dozen hoops. God, could you image?

True, but I was pissed off by the starting point that OP is blamed for making the mistake of marrying someone "hoping to change them" when it sounds from the letter as if the husband was the one who did change after marriage or at least leaving their home town: stopping "masking" and starting self-medicating (presumably with pot.)

This is true, although I suspect (and I could be wrong about this) that simply rehashing has past mistakes isn't going to help her now.

True but nor is Prudie rehashing hers.

Agreed. The answer completely missed on this point.

Also: “you might have to face the fact that you married someone whose behavior you really don’t like. This will likely lead to the end of the marriage and require you to support him as he gets on his feet.”

So LW is meant to stay at the bottom of the heap for some indefinite amount of time going forward when husband has already been treating her like mom. Ugh.

Yes; there is no evidence that her support is likely to achieve his standing on his feet given that all the indications are that the situation has got worse since they married. Whether that's because he's just gone "flump" once he feels there's someone there to take up the slack, and he was holding it together by the skin of his teeth in old home town (possibly, as someone said in another comment, because old home town may not have had legal pot, but it had more of the rest of a support system) or because he's an arsehole in general we simply don't have enough information to judge. But the fact is that OP's support is coming at a massive cost to OP and seems at best to be holding husband in some sort of maintenance pattern, not leading to an obvious exit.

He can’t go back because it’s not a legalized state.

They means this in the sense of "not a state where marijuana use is legal," right? I assume that's the self-medicating they're talking about. So what did he do when he lived there before?

I don't want to dispute that marijuana is medically useful for many conditions. But I cannot help but notice that the pattern here appears to be "He didn't have difficulty functioning in our hometown, but then we moved to a new state where marijuana was legalized and he started smoking, and now he's not functioning any more," and, well, this makes me question some things.

Me too. Including the point about what did he do before.

Also "I’ve noticed that all of his neurodiverse quirks tend to be my pet peeves."

Either this means she's got to BEC stage with him, or the unerring hitting of her hot buttons has intent behind it.

Edited 2021-10-19 14:05 (UTC)

But I cannot help but notice that the pattern here appears to be "He didn't have difficulty functioning in our hometown, but then we moved to a new state where marijuana was legalized and he started smoking, and now he's not functioning any more," and, well, this makes me question some things.

Yeah, this.

Yup, I have those same questions.

Which of the new Prudies was this? There are actually several, and they vary from Jamilah to bland to horrendous.

Looks like it was Jenée Desmond-Harris.

I am unfond of her.

They really are the most awful of the new ones.

Dear LW: the issue here is not "Husband is neurodiverse". The problem is "I feel like husband is making my life hell and there's nothing I can do about it."

Address the actual problem.

Any neurodiverse person has spent their whole life being told "The problem here is you being who you are, we just need to fix that" while neurotypical people fail to listen to their actual suggestions for how to make things better for all of you, because the neurotypical people think they have identified the problem.

Try pretending he's not "neurodiverse" and therefore needs fixed, he's just a person who you love but is doing things you don't like, but you want to listen to him to understand why and work with him to fix them in a way that works for you both. You might be surprised!

If the problem is not specific things that are happening, it's just that you don't like him anymore, I promise that if you don't like him as is, you won't suddenly like him medicated either.

I agree with you that the problem is not "Husband is neurodiverse" but I'd rephrase the actual problem as "LW has carer's burnout, she feels guilty about having carer's burnout and she can't see any way out of the situation."

And the issue is that all the answers including Prudie are focussing on the husband's situation (whether positively or negatively) and not looking at OP's situation. She has already said that she perceives the husband as not open to talking about how to fix things collectively: "It’s hard to talk to him about these things because then he feels ashamed." Now, it's entirely possible that her method of talking to him includes a lot of "How can you have forgotten to put the bins out again, why don't you use lists, it's just so easy to have a system" when he absolutely can't operate in that manner. But it's also possible that he's approaching every attempt by her to get round the problem with a blanket "I know that's not going to work" which, while it may well be an aspect of his condition, still means that the burden remains wholly on her, and she's just not up to it any more.

Edited 2021-10-20 09:05 (UTC)

Huh. I wonder how much of my read on this letter is based on my assuming LW was male for some reason (maybe because I assumed "legalized" referred to LGBT stuff instead of pot.)

Anyway you could be 100% right. But it's impossible to tell in this letter, because the *only* information LW gives us is that he's neurodiverse, he's frustrated at LW's attempts to force him to find a medical solution, and they're frustrated at him not keeping up.

It's possible he's severely impaired in handling daily life, OP has carer's burnout, and they need some kind of external support in order to manage at all.

It's possible he would do fine with a little bit of structure or support but LW doesn't know how to give him anything other than "nothing" or "burnout" and he's constantly saying "Stop helping!" or "give me only this specific help!" at them, and LW is interpreting that as "They're ashamed of their disability" instead of actually listening.

It's possible he's got mild Tourette's that triggers LW's undiagnosed sensory issues, and also they have different housekeeping standards, which they have never actually sat down and discussed because LW keeps having the "We need to fix your disability" conversation instead of the "we need to discuss the housekeeping" conversation.

It's possible he's just not doing well with being a homemaker and it would all go away if he got a job or steady volunteer position, which is why he's super-frustrated at LW pushing him at meds and doctors instead.

It's possible he's not neurodiverse at all, just an asshole, but LW has read too many woke advice columns and thinks it's disablist to call an asshole an asshole and so is trying to put him on meds he doesn't need instead of dtmfa.

No idea!

But framing the whole thing as the neurodiversity being the only problem is helping nothing.

I don't think it can be LGBT stuff because LW specifically says, "He can't go back because it's not a legalized state." If it was a case of their marriage not being recognised, wouldn't it be "we" can't go back?

Well, assuming it's the US, their marriage would be recognized either way, at least for now, but it's possible he could be trans or something? Or there's states where marriages are recognized but you can still be discriminated against based on sexuality, so that even if he goes home by himself he wouldn't be safe now that he's out?

Honestly I don't really understand the "legalized" either way. You're right that marijuana makes more sense, it's just not where my mind went first. But if he was managing fine back home without legal marijuana before, why would that have suddenly changed such that he can't go back even if he would be happier there?

It's another of those frustrating omissions in the LW's account.

I've realised why I assumed they were female, btw: it's the use of Prudie's term "scold" (assuming Prudie either knows or can make a guess based on names as to the LW's gender.) I don't think she'd adopt that tone to a man.

Could even be he's undocumented and they're in a sanctuary city. This letter is nearly as frustrating as LW's situation.

(One does come to suspect that the actual issue is the self-medication with pot, as theorized above, and perhaps LW is also culturally oriented toward heavy pot use, which is why they thought "legalized" was self-explanatory.)

Edited 2021-10-20 16:32 (UTC)

Do you remember that AAM ( details here ) where Alison Green's views on the legality of pot and the misuse of drug prosecutions totally got in the way of her noting a few salient points about the fact that he was her manager, it was illegal in the state in question and the event happened in his hotel room?

"a legalized state" is standard legal jargon for states with legal marijuana use and as far as I know is used for nothing else, which is why I assume that's what LW is talking about; if not, they've independently evolved an already existing term.

As a neurodiverse person, I wonder if some of that "masking" in your hometown was having access to support systems that aren't available in a different city.

Also which flavor of neurodiverse? Because my advice for ADHD is different from dyspraxia is different from dyslexia is different from autism.

Then again I also know several dudes who use their neurodiversity as an excuse for their shitty behavior.

I wish LW had included more specifics bc it's hard to give advice without knowing at least what the quirks are. That term implies something harmless like being super literal, but everything else in the letter suggests it's more serious like forgetting to eat/clean/feed pets or having regular, serious breakdowns.

I do think, generally, if they can separate the biggest issues from his neurodivergeance would help (though easier said than done). You can't grow as a couple if every household management conflict is overshadowed by the kind of deep shaming that seems to be present here. I know, for example, with my friend with ADHD, we've reached a point where he sees reminders from friends as an expression of love rather than a sign he's a bad friend. But it took a while and a lot of honesty about past hurt & resentment.

He loves me unconditionally,

No, he loves getting to sit home, smoke marijuana, and fail at even the most basic housekeeping tasks while you do everything for him. He loves having you to rely on.

he supports my goals,

Verbally, perhaps. He does literally nothing to help you achieve your goals. He makes your life harder.

and he’s always compassionate to others.

And for you? Has he shown any empathy for the position he has put you in?

Neurodiversity of any flavor is no excuse for being a leech and a jerk. DTMFA.

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Stuck in the Suburbs (Dear Prudence)

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