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agonyaunt2021-10-19 12:05 pm
legionseagle) wrote in agonyaunt2021-10-19 12:05 pm
Stuck in the Suburbs (Dear Prudence)
Q. Stuck in the suburbs: My husband is a good man and I love him. He loves me unconditionally, he supports my goals, and he’s always compassionate to others. But he’s neurodiverse and that makes things difficult for me. When we first got together, he masked so well I had no idea until we left our hometown. I realized his neurodiversity impacted his ability to function. I thought once we got married, he’d be on my insurance and go to the doctor. He’s had issues with every health professional so far. He self-medicates, which helps some, but it’s not enough. I feel like I’m the only adult in the relationship. It’s hard to talk to him about these things because then he feels ashamed. I’ve noticed that all of his neurodiverse quirks tend to be my pet peeves. I feel like I’m obligated to help him because he left our hometown to follow my career. He can’t go back because it’s not a legalized state. I work full-time and am a graduate student. He’s a homemaker but his neurodiversity prevents him from keeping up with the home. I feel like my life is a mess. I don’t enjoy things anymore. I feel like I’m taking care of a child. I also feel like a bad person for feeling this way. I’m doing my best but it’s all getting to me. I don’t know what to do anymore.
A: I don’t want to scold or shame you, but I think you made a classic mistake: marrying someone with the hope or expectation that they would change. Beyond that, your letter leaves some big, important questions unanswered: How does your husband feel about being neurodiverse? What is his relationship to his quirks? Does he have a problem with them, or is he comfortable and happy the way he is? Does he have an issue with the way traditional medications make him feel? Basically: Does he want to change, or is the desire for change mostly coming from you?
If you’re the only one who’s really bothered and wants him to behave differently—or even if you simply care a lot more than he does—you might have to face the fact that you married someone whose behavior you really don’t like. This will likely lead to the end of the marriage and require you to support him as he gets on his feet. If he wants to get help—either because his quirks bother him a lot, too, or because he feels neutral about them and wants to stay happily married to you—you should let him know how urgent it is that he commit to working with a health professional and dedicate himself to his treatment.
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A: I don’t want to scold or shame you, but I think you made a classic mistake: marrying someone with the hope or expectation that they would change. Beyond that, your letter leaves some big, important questions unanswered: How does your husband feel about being neurodiverse? What is his relationship to his quirks? Does he have a problem with them, or is he comfortable and happy the way he is? Does he have an issue with the way traditional medications make him feel? Basically: Does he want to change, or is the desire for change mostly coming from you?
If you’re the only one who’s really bothered and wants him to behave differently—or even if you simply care a lot more than he does—you might have to face the fact that you married someone whose behavior you really don’t like. This will likely lead to the end of the marriage and require you to support him as he gets on his feet. If he wants to get help—either because his quirks bother him a lot, too, or because he feels neutral about them and wants to stay happily married to you—you should let him know how urgent it is that he commit to working with a health professional and dedicate himself to his treatment.
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Address the actual problem.
Any neurodiverse person has spent their whole life being told "The problem here is you being who you are, we just need to fix that" while neurotypical people fail to listen to their actual suggestions for how to make things better for all of you, because the neurotypical people think they have identified the problem.
Try pretending he's not "neurodiverse" and therefore needs fixed, he's just a person who you love but is doing things you don't like, but you want to listen to him to understand why and work with him to fix them in a way that works for you both. You might be surprised!
If the problem is not specific things that are happening, it's just that you don't like him anymore, I promise that if you don't like him as is, you won't suddenly like him medicated either.
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And the issue is that all the answers including Prudie are focussing on the husband's situation (whether positively or negatively) and not looking at OP's situation. She has already said that she perceives the husband as not open to talking about how to fix things collectively: "It’s hard to talk to him about these things because then he feels ashamed." Now, it's entirely possible that her method of talking to him includes a lot of "How can you have forgotten to put the bins out again, why don't you use lists, it's just so easy to have a system" when he absolutely can't operate in that manner. But it's also possible that he's approaching every attempt by her to get round the problem with a blanket "I know that's not going to work" which, while it may well be an aspect of his condition, still means that the burden remains wholly on her, and she's just not up to it any more.
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Anyway you could be 100% right. But it's impossible to tell in this letter, because the *only* information LW gives us is that he's neurodiverse, he's frustrated at LW's attempts to force him to find a medical solution, and they're frustrated at him not keeping up.
It's possible he's severely impaired in handling daily life, OP has carer's burnout, and they need some kind of external support in order to manage at all.
It's possible he would do fine with a little bit of structure or support but LW doesn't know how to give him anything other than "nothing" or "burnout" and he's constantly saying "Stop helping!" or "give me only this specific help!" at them, and LW is interpreting that as "They're ashamed of their disability" instead of actually listening.
It's possible he's got mild Tourette's that triggers LW's undiagnosed sensory issues, and also they have different housekeeping standards, which they have never actually sat down and discussed because LW keeps having the "We need to fix your disability" conversation instead of the "we need to discuss the housekeeping" conversation.
It's possible he's just not doing well with being a homemaker and it would all go away if he got a job or steady volunteer position, which is why he's super-frustrated at LW pushing him at meds and doctors instead.
It's possible he's not neurodiverse at all, just an asshole, but LW has read too many woke advice columns and thinks it's disablist to call an asshole an asshole and so is trying to put him on meds he doesn't need instead of dtmfa.
No idea!
But framing the whole thing as the neurodiversity being the only problem is helping nothing.
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Honestly I don't really understand the "legalized" either way. You're right that marijuana makes more sense, it's just not where my mind went first. But if he was managing fine back home without legal marijuana before, why would that have suddenly changed such that he can't go back even if he would be happier there?
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I've realised why I assumed they were female, btw: it's the use of Prudie's term "scold" (assuming Prudie either knows or can make a guess based on names as to the LW's gender.) I don't think she'd adopt that tone to a man.
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(One does come to suspect that the actual issue is the self-medication with pot, as theorized above, and perhaps LW is also culturally oriented toward heavy pot use, which is why they thought "legalized" was self-explanatory.)
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