Stuck in the Suburbs (Dear Prudence)

[legionseagle]

Q. Stuck in the suburbs: My husband is a good man and I love him. He loves me unconditionally, he supports my goals, and he’s always compassionate to others. But he’s neurodiverse and that makes things difficult for me. When we first got together, he masked so well I had no idea until we left our hometown. I realized his neurodiversity impacted his ability to function. I thought once we got married, he’d be on my insurance and go to the doctor. He’s had issues with every health professional so far. He self-medicates, which helps some, but it’s not enough. I feel like I’m the only adult in the relationship. It’s hard to talk to him about these things because then he feels ashamed. I’ve noticed that all of his neurodiverse quirks tend to be my pet peeves. I feel like I’m obligated to help him because he left our hometown to follow my career. He can’t go back because it’s not a legalized state. I work full-time and am a graduate student. He’s a homemaker but his neurodiversity prevents him from keeping up with the home. I feel like my life is a mess. I don’t enjoy things anymore. I feel like I’m taking care of a child. I also feel like a bad person for feeling this way. I’m doing my best but it’s all getting to me. I don’t know what to do anymore.



A: I don’t want to scold or shame you, but I think you made a classic mistake: marrying someone with the hope or expectation that they would change. Beyond that, your letter leaves some big, important questions unanswered: How does your husband feel about being neurodiverse? What is his relationship to his quirks? Does he have a problem with them, or is he comfortable and happy the way he is? Does he have an issue with the way traditional medications make him feel? Basically: Does he want to change, or is the desire for change mostly coming from you?

If you’re the only one who’s really bothered and wants him to behave differently—or even if you simply care a lot more than he does—you might have to face the fact that you married someone whose behavior you really don’t like. This will likely lead to the end of the marriage and require you to support him as he gets on his feet. If he wants to get help—either because his quirks bother him a lot, too, or because he feels neutral about them and wants to stay happily married to you—you should let him know how urgent it is that he commit to working with a health professional and dedicate himself to his treatment.



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Comments

[legionseagle]

I don't think it can be LGBT stuff because LW specifically says, "He can't go back because it's not a legalized state." If it was a case of their marriage not being recognised, wouldn't it be "we" can't go back?

[melannen]

Well, assuming it's the US, their marriage would be recognized either way, at least for now, but it's possible he could be trans or something? Or there's states where marriages are recognized but you can still be discriminated against based on sexuality, so that even if he goes home by himself he wouldn't be safe now that he's out?

Honestly I don't really understand the "legalized" either way. You're right that marijuana makes more sense, it's just not where my mind went first. But if he was managing fine back home without legal marijuana before, why would that have suddenly changed such that he can't go back even if he would be happier there?

[legionseagle]

It's another of those frustrating omissions in the LW's account.

I've realised why I assumed they were female, btw: it's the use of Prudie's term "scold" (assuming Prudie either knows or can make a guess based on names as to the LW's gender.) I don't think she'd adopt that tone to a man.

[melannen]

Could even be he's undocumented and they're in a sanctuary city. This letter is nearly as frustrating as LW's situation.

(One does come to suspect that the actual issue is the self-medication with pot, as theorized above, and perhaps LW is also culturally oriented toward heavy pot use, which is why they thought "legalized" was self-explanatory.)

[legionseagle]

Do you remember that AAM ( details here ) where Alison Green's views on the legality of pot and the misuse of drug prosecutions totally got in the way of her noting a few salient points about the fact that he was her manager, it was illegal in the state in question and the event happened in his hotel room?

[ambyr]

"a legalized state" is standard legal jargon for states with legal marijuana use and as far as I know is used for nothing else, which is why I assume that's what LW is talking about; if not, they've independently evolved an already existing term.